Punch (30.1856)

May 31, 1856.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

213

THE HOLY STATE IN THE HIGHEST LIFE.
HE Morning Herald prints the
subjoined handsome offer from
a nobleman to any lady, "not
necessarily above the middle
class" We think we can trace
the aristocratic hand of a mar-
quis in every line.
MATRIMONY IN HIGH
LIFE.— From £2000 to £3000
will be paid to any person who can
INTRODUCE a LADY, from 25 to 35
years, to a MATRIMONIAL CON-
NECTION with a NOBLEMAN, of
distinguished appearance, able to raise
her with an alliance with the first
families in England and on the Conti-
nent. The lady must be ,fair, attrac-
tive, not necessarily above the middle
class, and possess a fortune adequate
to the title she will receive. As this
advertisement is genuine, the strictest
investigation will be afforded, the
fullest particulars treated with honour-
able confidence, and a contract entered
into to pay the hum stated for commis
sion upon the marriage being com-
pleted. References will be given to
the most detailed answers, which are
to be addressed to--
(but for further particulars, says
Mr. Punch, see his respected
contemporary, the M.H.)
With one or two hard condi-
tions excepted, the nobleman of
distinguished appearance offers
liberal terms. "The lady must be fair;" and this is rather hard upon the brunettes.
Had black eyes not been objectionable, Mr. Punch—but purely as a matter of disinterested
benevolence—could have introduced a young lady of the Hebrew prejudice, a budding
rose of Sharon to the nobleman, whilst at the same time Mr. Punch would have handed
over the sum "from £2 000 to £3,000" to that invaluable body, the Society for the Con-
version of Houndsditch and Holy well-street. Again, what will be considered adequate in;
the way of fortune P If a marquis, must the lady bring £10,000 per annum ; if an earl,!
may she be happy yet, if she can only muster £8,000? These are really hard times, whe^
rank has fallen so low that, without sinking the offal, aristocracy is so ready to sell itself io
much in the pound.


THE TEMPLE OF HUMBUG
A Pastoral.
Tell me, shepherds, tell me, pray,
Unio Humbug's Fane the way;
Shepherd swains, this pilgrim tell,
Whereabouts doth Humbug dwell ?
Gentle stranger, take thy way,
On a morn in jocund May,
Walking Eastward up the Strand;
Humbug dwells on thy left hand.
Yea, but shepherds, what may I
Know the dome of Humbug by ?
Shepherds, kindly tell me what
Signs denote the hallowed spot ?
Crowds of votaries who wait,
Thronging round the Temple gate,
Over whom sleek Humbug reigns,
Serious nymphs and solemn swains.
Are they, then, so clearly seen
By their countenance and mien ?
May they be so surely known,
By their garb, for Humbug's own ?
By their visages severe
Nymphs and swains revealed appear ;
These in black with ties of white,
Those in saddest hues bedight.
Thanks, kind shepherds—now I'll go
Where Cant's tumid rivers flow,
Floods which Mawworm poureth out,
And the Sabbatarians spout.
Go where wild fanatics stray,
If, like them, thou lose thy way,
Ask for guidance to the Hall
Exeter which shepherds call.

England in a Line. — Palmebston rules,
but Cant governs.

A TENDER TOPIC.
So the Lord Chancellor's Divorce and Matrimonial Causes Bill
is shelved, referred to a Select Committee, on account of the defects
and absurdities with which it abounds. Lawyers appear to be
very bad hands at makiog laws—if the Lord Chancellor is a lawyer.
We were going to say that lawyers can no more make laws than actors
can write plays ; but Mr. Buckstone is an actor, and has written some
very good plays; Mr. Webster is both an actor and a dramatist; so
was Mr. Shakspeare. To be sure we are told that the last-named gen-
tle man was not much of an actor, how eminent soever he may be con-
sidered as a dramatist, but we believe him to have been the greatest
ac'or, as well as to be the greatest dramatist, that ever lived, only that
his acting was not appreciated (much more than his dramas were) by
his audiences, who were doubtless many times as stupid and ignorant
as those that fill the lowest pit at the present day. Tne fact seems to
be, that an actor has the advantage of a lawyer in possessing some
amount of common sense, an endowment of which there is nothing in
his profession peculiarly calculated to deprive him—when his vanity is
not concerned. Without, then, attempting to draw a comparison which
w-ould be incorrect as well as odious, we will be content with stating
the plain unvarnished truism, that lawyers are bad legislators.
If the law-officers of the Crown are incompetent to frame those enact-
ments which the Crown's advisers propose to Parliament, it is quite
clear that somebody else should be employed in that business. We
think that proper persons for the work could be procured by throwing
it open to competition. When the Government wants to legislate upon
a given subject, let it advertise itself as ready to receive tenders of legis-
ative schemes on that subject, embodied in the forms of Acts of Par-
liament. In determining its preference, of tenders we would not have
:t ma£e mere cheapness the sole or even the principal consideration-
and then it will be likely to get a sound and serviceable article, and
not a miserable, imperfect, and rotten parcel of stuff.

Rejoicing at Leeds.— On the night of the Peace fireworks,
we understand, a desperate attempt will be made to illuminate
Mr. Baines

THE ARCHBISHOP'S STAINED WINDOW.
Lambeth Pala.ce was not attacked, although there was no Sunday
music in the Parks. Nevertheless, it is not possible to overpraise the
vigilance of the police, who, upon their own responsibility, had assured
Sir Ricbard Mayne, who had confided the story to Sir George
Grey, who had lost no time in imparting the intelligence to his Grace
of Canterbury that, on the SuncUy, when the music ceased, the popu-
lace proposed to attack and sack Lambeth Palace, and afterwards blow
up the Established Church. Will the reader be surprised, when he
learns that—his Grace, the Archbishop, went out of town ? However,
absent and safe in the flesh, his Grace was present in the spirit.
Now, it so happens that Lambeth Palace is enriched with " a stained
glass window of considerable beauty and richness; " the radiant legacy
of meek and mild Archbishop Howley. " A mob in the Bishop's-walk
armed with stones could demolish this beautiful specimen of modern
art." Whereupon were placfd "a strong tarpaulin in front of the
window, av such a distance, and with strong pieces of timber behind, as
to ward off any missile that might be thrown." But all was quiet: no
pebble was throwc
Unconsciously has the Archbishop illustrated the bigotry that has
hushed Sunday music. Music, even as the stained window aforesaid, is a
thing of beauty; and being so, it is allowed, a joy for ever. Now this thing
of beauty—out of the very weakness of fear that it may excite the evil
passions of mankind, provoking envy, and thereupon violence—this very
piece of loveliness the Archbishop shrouds in tarpaulin aud buttresses
with timber. Is not the tarpaulin the darkening bigotry of the over-
righteous ; and the timber the wooden heads of the saints ?

Philosophy and Fireworks

It is all very well to call the 29th instant a day of rejoicing, but in
celebrating our deliverance _ from the misery and horrors of war by
letting off squibs, and burning unnecessary candles, in order to show
the delight, which, if we felt it, we might be content with feeling, we
exhibit a soectacle, which will probably cause some philosophers to
regard that day, for themselves, considering that the authors of this
tomfoolery are their fellow-creatures, as a day of humiliation.