Punch (30.1856)

,1 ajtdary 26, 1856. ]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.


HARD CASE.
A. B. Seaman. " Here 's a go. Bill ! Yeh might knock me down with the
butt-end of a muskit, a'mOST ! blow'd if the GaME ain't over, and we
ain't had no Innings ! "

"PUKE AND SIMPLE."
Vox—prceterea nihil Vox !
Launch your gun-boats, blast his docks !
Pur et simple—pretty words,
Deftly strewn to catch old birds;
Simon " Puke " is spreading lime on
Twigs to trap a " Simple " SmoN;
Not so simple, Mastbk Puke,
As to jump at such a lure.
Vox—prceterea nihil Vox !
Launch your gun-boats, blast his docks 1
Talk—that's what he wants to do—
Let him talk, then, till all's blue.
Let the humbug council meet,
Bid each envoy take his seat,
Let the tricksy game begin
Where the honest never win,
And where England ever loses
What she gains with blows and bruises,
Always victor with the sword,
Always cheated at the Board.
Talk—but while the tricksters chatter.
We go on to storm and batter ;
Eye at sight-hole, touch on trigger,
Push the War with doubled vigour ;
Work the mortars, till the echo
Startles ev'n bemuddled Clicquot,
Till a blazing Cronstadt tells
Tales of England's Feast of Shells ;
Till ou Kars the Moon once more
Floats—beside the Tricolor.
If, while Freedom's sword is Hashing,
And the tyrant's dens are crashing,
He, in downright earnest tenor,
Sees, at length, his ghastly error ;
Flings a truce-flag on the breeze,
And himself upon his knees ;
Then we'll talk of Terms and Basis,
And the llight Men in Right Places ;
But the Trap last April set
w on't seduce again, just yet;
Vox—prceterea nihil Vox—
Launch your gunboats, blast his docks !

PENNY-A-LLN1NG IN PULL PLAY.
There has recently been a perfect glut of matter for the penny-a-

cmnot forget that the false statement was made by the reporters them-
selves ; who, after getting a penny a line for saying what is not true,
are paid another penny a line for setting the public right again.
The reader will be much struck by the graphic powers of the writer,

liners, who have been enabled to make a series of rather satisfactory | who describes the appearance of " the upper apartments of the house,
meals by helping the public *o sup full of horrors during the last whicil he shrewdly imagines to have been untenanted; an inference
^ni?'l1\L "?01s?mn?_ !.u J6 un'_0T.COUi?5'i* .^ellcl0us which has been acutely drawn by the keen-sighted observer, from the
fact that, "a board affixed outside announces that they are to let."
We wonder the writer did not go on to speculate on the possibility
that the bill might have been allowed to remain in the window after
the apartment had been taken. This would have given an opportunity
for a few guesses at the terms on which the rooms might have been
had, with a speculative glauce at the fixtures, and a passing peep up
the chimney ; all of which would have been admissible under the
attractive heading of " Further Particulars."
Some readers will admire the boldness and candour with which the
reporter admits, that " there is nothing whatever to be seen ; " and we
can only wonder that where " there is notbing to be seen,'' there is so
much to be written. The allusion to "the beadles of the district"
gives to the concluding part of the report a degree of dignity, but not
much force ; for, if they " have had some trouble in persuading people
to move on," the beadledom of the district must be in a condition of
feebleness bordering ou incapacity. We hope "the beadles of the
district" will pluck up the courage to make the penny-a-liner himself
" move on," when lie is next found prying about the premises.

topic for the paragraph-mongers, who have been literally living upon
poison for nearly a month, and who get a fresh dinner bv every fresh
discovery of a little arsenic. The taste of the penny-a-liners having
been once tickled by the deadly mineral, they have been going about
in all directions searching for poisons ; and, not satisfied with the cases
actually in hand, they have been ransacking the graves of those who
have been long dead, and endeavouring to grub up from their remains
a few grains of arsenic out of which a dinner may be concocted.
Everyone who has died suddenly within the last five years is pronounced
to have been the victim of poison, and it is probable that, if the penny-
a-liners had their way, the Secretary of State would be fully employed
m signing orders for exhumation in all cases that would admir, of a
series of paragraphs.
No sooner was the interest in the poisoning beginning to abate than
the " gentlemen of the press " have had what they will call another
"lucky hit" in the melancholy catastrophe at Bedford Row, which
they are making the most of, as will be seen from the following
paragraph:—
" The chambers of the deceased are not, as has been stated, within a few doors of
Bedtord Street, but are fully a Btreet and a half off. The upper apartments of the
house appear not to have been tenanted, tor a board affixed outside announces that they
are to let. Here again there has been a crowd of idlers assembled throughout the
day, although there is nothing whatever to be seen, and the beadles of the district have
had some trouble in persuading people to ' move on.' "
It is not very important to the public to know the exact geographical
position of the chambers of the deceased; and though we may admire
t.he scrupulous accuracy with which the reporter corrects an erroneous
statement as to their being " within a few doors of Bedford Street," we

A Subject for Sculptors.
A Letter from Modena, in the Monitore Toscano states that Mgr.
Gaetano Balueei, Archbishop of lmola, apostolic delegate, is charged
with the execution of a bull. This may suggest to Italian sculptors a
notion for a new Mithraic group, m which the execution of the bull
shall be symbolised by the sacrifice of the animal so named, Mr.
Baluffi in full canonicals operating as the pontifical caniifex.