DOI issue:
January 19, 1856
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16617#0031
January 19, 1S56.J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23
AN EASTERN COUNTIES LYRIC.
(As sung at the various Stations on the Line)
" While History's Muse.'—Moobe.
While the vengeful Committee were
savagely heaping
Their stories of bankruptcy, jobbing,
and thieves,
Beside them there linger'dthe Officers,
weeping,
For black was the record that blotted
the leaves.
- But. 0 how the tear on their eyelids
3 grew bright
^ When David made signal for stop-
ping the game,
And they grinn'd with delight
As they saw him indite
His " Answer," and sign it with
Waddington's name.
" Hail, David our boy," cried the
Officers, sparkling
Like lottery investors who've just
drawn a prize,
" The case did look dismal, and dole-
ful, and darkling,
But now you've upset the Com-
mittee's sad lies.
The shares that you number'd you
righteously got,
And then very wisely allotted the
same,
And, O, there is not
One dishonouring blot
On the wreath that encircles our
Waddington's name.
"But personal charges are met and
forgotten,
Let feats rather more to the purpose
be thine,
Remove the split piles and the viaducts rotten,
And lessen the danger of working the line.
For woe to the day should a smash have occurr'd,
And the publio and press have burst out in a flame,
And a jury be heard
To affix a bad word,
That begins with an " M. " to our Waddington's name."
THE SPRING PARLIAMENTARY CAMPAIGN.
Frederick Peel rehearses every day, before a cheval-glass. Bernal
Osborne has nearly finished sharpening a splendid quatern of Jokes,
which he intends introducing early in the session as " His Four Points."
Lord Palmerston has just returned from the East, whither he had
been to see the morning performance of the pantomime at the City of
London Theatre. Henry Drummond has a witticism on the stocks
about the rise there would be in Swedes, supposing there was to be a
Revolution in Sweden; and Mr. Brotherton for the last month has
been rigidly insisting upon having the doors closed, and seeing the
House in bed regularly by twelve o'clock every night! It is also
with peculiar pleasure we state that Mr. Williams has bought a
copy of Lindley Murray! In these days of testimonials, such zeal
as Mr. Williams's should not go unrewarded.
FINE SCHIEDAM.
The Adelaide Times has the following paragraph :
" A correspondent, whose word we have no reason to doubt, assures us that a quantity
of gin in which the body of a Dutch captain recently brought here, was preserved
during a great part of a sea-voyage, has been sold out of bond and disposed of to the
public as the very best Old Tom.",
But Old Tom is a synonym of Gin. Should not the spirit, to which
the Dutch captain imparted body, rather have been called Hollands ?
PIETY AT A DISCOUNT.
_ We rather suspect that the market has been glutted lately with pious
pieces of goods; and the result is, that the serious dodge is beginning
to fail of its customary effect in obtaining good situations for serious
butlers, evangelical cooks, and low church kitchen-maids. The tables
seem to be turned upon the canting candidates for employment, who
instead of commanding high wages, are now subjected to starvation
salaries, and the other evils of fierce competition. The following
advertisements evidently proceed from the same source, and they
exhibit a determination to take advantage of the present depressed
condition of the piety-mongers, who find the traffic in seriousness so
thoroughly overdone, that they have been compelled to resort to some
other species of imposture for a livelihood.
TO DISABLED PIOUS SOLDIERS.—WANTED in a gentleman's
*- school, a truly pious soldier, to act as HOUSE-DOOR and HALL PORTER, aud
as General Inspecior. He will receive only board and lodging, with livery, for his
services. One who has lost a leg or an arm not objected to, as labour is not required,
but principle. No smoker need apply. Address full particulars to A. B. C., Mr.
Oakey's, publisher, Warwick Lane, City.
TO TAILORESSES.—WANTED, in an educational establishment,
J- near town, a first-rate TAILORESS, to repair and occasionally to make. She must
be from the country, pious and conscientious, and middle-aged. Salary, with board,
£16. No perquisites. Address full particulars to A. B. C., Mb. Oakey's, publisher,
Warwick Lane, City.
We agree with Her Majesty and Mr. Caird in appreciating the
religion of every-day life; but we must confess we doubt the sincerity
of a demand for piety in a hall-porter, who will probably have to give
all sorts of evasive answers, with every variety of " Not at home,"
when opening the door to unwelcome visitors. The real object of the
advertiser seems to be economy; and "piety" being rather down in the
market, he probably hopes to get a hall-porter cheap, if he is tainted
with cant.
In order that the article may be obtained at the advertiser's very low
price, mutilation is invited to compete for the vacant situation ; and the
double disadvantage of hypocrisy and a wooden leg is not objected to
by A. B. O, who is as plain as his initials imply in the object he
contemplates.
" MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES."
The world, that is that part of the world best worthy of homage and
consideration, have become tired of " giving and taking in marriage."
They very properly refine upon the act, and therefore redeem it from
the vulgarity into which it has lapsed by its familiar treatment. John
Jenkins is about to take Mary Jones for his wife, Thomas Brown
intends to marry Susan Smith, and this is all very well; they are mere
flesh of clay, and so may become flesh of flesh; they are made of frame-
work of mere bones, and may therefore be bone of one another's bone.
It is otherwise, however, as we ascend the primrose way of May Fair.
There it ceases to be mere vulgar marriage; the chain is so beautifully
wreathed with flowers (never mind if they are artificial) that it never
rattles. Does Lord Grateswell take the Hon. Miss Waspaint for
his wife? By no means. The fashionable world is never outraged by
so rude, so vulgar an announcement of the coming event. The catas-
trophe is thus delicately hinted:—
" We understand that Lord Grateswell, is about to form a matrimonial alliance
with the Hon. Miss Waspaint."
Were the parties engaged as partners at whist, the engagement
could scarcely sound less ominous. A matrimonial alliance ! Why,
the words do not sound like the marriage-tie, but have a nobility, a
slipperiness, that slides off like a running knot. And there is no doubt
that the new phraseology is all to nothing the best. We think so well
of it, that we are only anxious to improve it. Thus, wherefore should
Lord Grateswell introduce his wife as "Lady Grateswell?"
Why, rather, should he not present her as " My Matrimonial Ally ? "
By the way, are these alliances to be considered offensive or
defensive ? Or both ?
the great peace question and its most obvious answer.
A Verse from " The Waterman."
Tom Tug by a Gallant Admiral.
Then farewell, my Lindley Murray,
Johnson, Bilworth, Vyse, farewell;
Never more a Dictionary
Shall your Charley take to spell!
roley, poley, gammon.
No less than ten thousand Attorneys are said to be at the present
moment on the Roll. It is, indeed, a marvel, when we consider that,
although there is but one Roll, they all manage to get their Bread.
"What Next? and Next?" First Next—Mr. Cobden will be i The French have blown up one of the grand Sebastopol basins,
turned out of the West Riding; and Second Next—Mr. Bright will j What a pity that the criminal originators of the War were not then it
be turned out of Manchester. I their right place—the Dock.
AN EASTERN COUNTIES LYRIC.
(As sung at the various Stations on the Line)
" While History's Muse.'—Moobe.
While the vengeful Committee were
savagely heaping
Their stories of bankruptcy, jobbing,
and thieves,
Beside them there linger'dthe Officers,
weeping,
For black was the record that blotted
the leaves.
- But. 0 how the tear on their eyelids
3 grew bright
^ When David made signal for stop-
ping the game,
And they grinn'd with delight
As they saw him indite
His " Answer," and sign it with
Waddington's name.
" Hail, David our boy," cried the
Officers, sparkling
Like lottery investors who've just
drawn a prize,
" The case did look dismal, and dole-
ful, and darkling,
But now you've upset the Com-
mittee's sad lies.
The shares that you number'd you
righteously got,
And then very wisely allotted the
same,
And, O, there is not
One dishonouring blot
On the wreath that encircles our
Waddington's name.
"But personal charges are met and
forgotten,
Let feats rather more to the purpose
be thine,
Remove the split piles and the viaducts rotten,
And lessen the danger of working the line.
For woe to the day should a smash have occurr'd,
And the publio and press have burst out in a flame,
And a jury be heard
To affix a bad word,
That begins with an " M. " to our Waddington's name."
THE SPRING PARLIAMENTARY CAMPAIGN.
Frederick Peel rehearses every day, before a cheval-glass. Bernal
Osborne has nearly finished sharpening a splendid quatern of Jokes,
which he intends introducing early in the session as " His Four Points."
Lord Palmerston has just returned from the East, whither he had
been to see the morning performance of the pantomime at the City of
London Theatre. Henry Drummond has a witticism on the stocks
about the rise there would be in Swedes, supposing there was to be a
Revolution in Sweden; and Mr. Brotherton for the last month has
been rigidly insisting upon having the doors closed, and seeing the
House in bed regularly by twelve o'clock every night! It is also
with peculiar pleasure we state that Mr. Williams has bought a
copy of Lindley Murray! In these days of testimonials, such zeal
as Mr. Williams's should not go unrewarded.
FINE SCHIEDAM.
The Adelaide Times has the following paragraph :
" A correspondent, whose word we have no reason to doubt, assures us that a quantity
of gin in which the body of a Dutch captain recently brought here, was preserved
during a great part of a sea-voyage, has been sold out of bond and disposed of to the
public as the very best Old Tom.",
But Old Tom is a synonym of Gin. Should not the spirit, to which
the Dutch captain imparted body, rather have been called Hollands ?
PIETY AT A DISCOUNT.
_ We rather suspect that the market has been glutted lately with pious
pieces of goods; and the result is, that the serious dodge is beginning
to fail of its customary effect in obtaining good situations for serious
butlers, evangelical cooks, and low church kitchen-maids. The tables
seem to be turned upon the canting candidates for employment, who
instead of commanding high wages, are now subjected to starvation
salaries, and the other evils of fierce competition. The following
advertisements evidently proceed from the same source, and they
exhibit a determination to take advantage of the present depressed
condition of the piety-mongers, who find the traffic in seriousness so
thoroughly overdone, that they have been compelled to resort to some
other species of imposture for a livelihood.
TO DISABLED PIOUS SOLDIERS.—WANTED in a gentleman's
*- school, a truly pious soldier, to act as HOUSE-DOOR and HALL PORTER, aud
as General Inspecior. He will receive only board and lodging, with livery, for his
services. One who has lost a leg or an arm not objected to, as labour is not required,
but principle. No smoker need apply. Address full particulars to A. B. C., Mr.
Oakey's, publisher, Warwick Lane, City.
TO TAILORESSES.—WANTED, in an educational establishment,
J- near town, a first-rate TAILORESS, to repair and occasionally to make. She must
be from the country, pious and conscientious, and middle-aged. Salary, with board,
£16. No perquisites. Address full particulars to A. B. C., Mb. Oakey's, publisher,
Warwick Lane, City.
We agree with Her Majesty and Mr. Caird in appreciating the
religion of every-day life; but we must confess we doubt the sincerity
of a demand for piety in a hall-porter, who will probably have to give
all sorts of evasive answers, with every variety of " Not at home,"
when opening the door to unwelcome visitors. The real object of the
advertiser seems to be economy; and "piety" being rather down in the
market, he probably hopes to get a hall-porter cheap, if he is tainted
with cant.
In order that the article may be obtained at the advertiser's very low
price, mutilation is invited to compete for the vacant situation ; and the
double disadvantage of hypocrisy and a wooden leg is not objected to
by A. B. O, who is as plain as his initials imply in the object he
contemplates.
" MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES."
The world, that is that part of the world best worthy of homage and
consideration, have become tired of " giving and taking in marriage."
They very properly refine upon the act, and therefore redeem it from
the vulgarity into which it has lapsed by its familiar treatment. John
Jenkins is about to take Mary Jones for his wife, Thomas Brown
intends to marry Susan Smith, and this is all very well; they are mere
flesh of clay, and so may become flesh of flesh; they are made of frame-
work of mere bones, and may therefore be bone of one another's bone.
It is otherwise, however, as we ascend the primrose way of May Fair.
There it ceases to be mere vulgar marriage; the chain is so beautifully
wreathed with flowers (never mind if they are artificial) that it never
rattles. Does Lord Grateswell take the Hon. Miss Waspaint for
his wife? By no means. The fashionable world is never outraged by
so rude, so vulgar an announcement of the coming event. The catas-
trophe is thus delicately hinted:—
" We understand that Lord Grateswell, is about to form a matrimonial alliance
with the Hon. Miss Waspaint."
Were the parties engaged as partners at whist, the engagement
could scarcely sound less ominous. A matrimonial alliance ! Why,
the words do not sound like the marriage-tie, but have a nobility, a
slipperiness, that slides off like a running knot. And there is no doubt
that the new phraseology is all to nothing the best. We think so well
of it, that we are only anxious to improve it. Thus, wherefore should
Lord Grateswell introduce his wife as "Lady Grateswell?"
Why, rather, should he not present her as " My Matrimonial Ally ? "
By the way, are these alliances to be considered offensive or
defensive ? Or both ?
the great peace question and its most obvious answer.
A Verse from " The Waterman."
Tom Tug by a Gallant Admiral.
Then farewell, my Lindley Murray,
Johnson, Bilworth, Vyse, farewell;
Never more a Dictionary
Shall your Charley take to spell!
roley, poley, gammon.
No less than ten thousand Attorneys are said to be at the present
moment on the Roll. It is, indeed, a marvel, when we consider that,
although there is but one Roll, they all manage to get their Bread.
"What Next? and Next?" First Next—Mr. Cobden will be i The French have blown up one of the grand Sebastopol basins,
turned out of the West Riding; and Second Next—Mr. Bright will j What a pity that the criminal originators of the War were not then it
be turned out of Manchester. I their right place—the Dock.