DOI issue:
March 15, 1856
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16617#0111
March 15, 1856.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A TALE OF AN ARMY TAILOR.
(See United Service Gazette?)
What wondeiful things are our officers' skirts,
Corresponding in lenjth to the tails of their shirts !
T'je Artist who ventured their tunics to clip,
iou perceive, at a mere glance, was no common Snip.
A right gallant Colonel of late went to Court,;
For his name s^e the recent C-imean Repot t,
Where his evidence figures—not, quite, it is said,
To the pleasure of Quarters call'd, commonly, Head.
To Heb Majesty's levee went he in the rig
In vernacular language described as full fig ,
Of his rank in the uniform strictly attired,
Not forgetting the tunic so vastly admired.
Now this Colonel was tall, and a journal rela'es—
—But, who can depend upon what, the Press states ?
That his height did an optical error impose
On the two eyes that flank a particular nose.
That the skirts of his tunic in length did appear
To exceed by some inches the measure severe
Prescribed by the Genius of Thimble anrl Goose,
Whose glory that garment it was to produce.
For the witness this Colonel to bear had presumed,
The report is, that he to those rations was doom'd,
By the name of " cold shoulder " to officers known i
A joint which affords less of meat than of bone.
On the following day, says the story we quote,
The Adjutant-General sent him a note
The long-skirted Colonel of sin to apprise,
Which he had committed in those sublime eyes.
Forthwith to the Horse Guards this officer fared,
With the Tailor's own pattern the garment, compared.
To the splendid original, close as one pea
To another, was found to conform to a T.
At famed Balaclava when this Colonel led
His troops in the charge 'mid the dying and dead,
It was never complain'd, hints our au hor, behiud,
That his coat tails were flying too far in the wind.
Conjecture will ask, When the tunic was tried,
Was the Tailor in waiting—his measure applied ?
WTith his shears was he ready to shorten the skirt?
WThen he found its proportions correct—was hs hurt ?
Nay, cease speculation ; the tale is a myth;
"Iwas invented hy Jones, 'twas reported by Smith.
Could those eyes so exalted—so practised—mistake ?
Would the commonest tailor misjudge his own make ?
No—the finest of figures would seem too absurd,
Too like a great long lesg'd and little wing'd bird,
In that tunic array'd, with those skirts sticking out
At the scarce covered hips, to admit of a doubt.
TOPSY TURVY TALENT-
Our Melbourne papers furnish us with some singular instances of
talent turned Topsy Turw—or as the prim purists of the press will
probably point out to us—Topside t'other way—at the Antipodes. We
have seen all sorts of odd combinations of character on the stage in
England, when the hero of the heavy tragedy has finished the evening
as the light comedian of the farce; but at the Melbourne theatre we
find the operatic basso, after embodyiug the terrible brother in Lucia,
" kindly consents to appear as Cox," in the afterpiece. This condes-
cension appears to pervade the whole company, for we find the im-
passioned Edyardo of the evening coming forward, and obligingly un-
dertaking the part of Box, and the prima donna casting a«ide her muslin
and her madness to sustain the character of Mrs. Bouncer (for this
night only), au assertion suggestive of another Bouncer by the Manager.
The Eule of Contrary.
Our Military and Naval rulers seem to be appointed to their office s
by the great Rule of Contrary ; for instance, at the Admiralty there are
Lords who have spent their whole lives on Land; and at the Horse
i Guards, there are Generals who are always at Sea.
BOBADIL AT BALACLAVA.
(Slightly altered from Ben Jonson.)
Bdbidil ... "... L—d c—rd — o-n.
Old Knoioall . . ... Mr. P—nch.
Bobadil. 1 will tell you, Sir, by the way of private, and under seal:
1 am a nobleman, and live here—a poor Inspector-General • but an 1
j held a command in the field for Her Majesty—and the Lords—observe
me—I would undertake, upon this poor head, for the public benefit, of
j the State, to save to Her Majesty and the country, the one-half, nay,
three-parts of ihe yearly charge for horses in war, and against what '
enemy soever. And how would I do it, ihink you?
Old Knowall. N»y, I know not, nor can I conceive.
Bobadil. Why, thus, Sir. I would select nineteen colonels, to my-
self, throughout the land. Gentlemen, they should be of good birth, '
comely whiskers and ample fortune. I would choose them by an
instinct, a character that I have: and T would teach these nineteen the
special rule:j, as—" Never do for yourself wbat, another can do for jou:"
| " Stay not to shiver and starve on shore, when you can sleep comfort-
i ably on board ship:" " Self-preservation is the law of nature : " "Listen
not to reason when temper speaks:" "Away with black bottles:"
" Mustachios make the man,"—and so forth, till they could all command,
very near, or altogether, as well as ui)self. This done, say our cavalry
were twenty-five thousand strong; we twenty would come into the
field the tenth of November, or thereabouts, and we could picket each
a hundred of our hor&es, on a hill, under the canopy of the sky, with
little bailey, and ltss hay. They could not, as horses, live upon each
otner's tails.
Well, we would kill them; picket a hundred more—kill them ; a
hundred more—kill them too; and thus would we kill every man his
five-score horses a-week; twenty hundreds is two thousana; two
thousaud a-week is eight thousand a-month ; three times eight—eight
times three—marry, i am no great arithmetician; but, methinks,
three months kills them all up by computa'ion.
And thus save we to Her Majesty and the nation, the keep, shelter,
and entire cost of some twenty thousand horses. And this will I
venture my poor, gentlemanlike carcase to perform, provided there be
no Commissioners set upon us, by fair and discreet generalship,—
that is, gradually, by starvation !
" THE HEAD AND FRONT" OF THEIR OFFENDING.
We thought that strong-minded women only were in the habit of
shaving their foreheads for the purpose of get'ing up an artificial intel-
j lec'uality. But a bad example is sure to find plenty of imitators ; for
we have noticed of late that several maid-servants (of a strong-minded
j turn of mind, we presume) have actually been resorting to the same
barbarous practice. You see the large blue triangular patches on their
foreheads just where the parting of the hair is, that are most unsightly,
anything but intellectual, and which give one the idea that the dis-
I coloured parts had beeu badly tattooed in order to imitate some Carib-
bean style of head-dress. The effect is most detestable; and of the
two villanous prac'ices, we would much sooner that the ladies had
their heads shaved altogether, and wore an intellectual-looking wig.
By the bye, do ladies shave themselves; or are there "Intellectual
Shavers " who do the business for them ? We wish to know if these
strong-minded Bloomers, with the bloom of an old Stilton on their
foreheads, have a regular set of " shaving tackle ; " or do they borrow
their husbands', when the Ltter are away on business? In the mean-
time, till this saponaceous mystery is cleared up, we recommendi all
fathers, husbands, and brothers, to lock up their razors. It is time j
that a stop should be put to this unsightly spread of superficial intellect, j
before it has fairly turned the heads of all our cooks and nurjery-maids.
CALUMNY ON THE CLERGY.
A Fellow who describes himself as "M.R.C.S. (1835), and L.A.C. i
(1834)," in an advertisement addressed "To the Aristocracy and I
Members of Parliament," puffs off some stuff, which he terms his
"Nervo-Artekial Essence," a* a specific "to counteract the evils cf
nervous exhaustion and debility, ai ising from the late hours of fashion-
able and parliamentary life. He offers to send, free, testimonials to
the efficacy of this ridiculoush-named compound "from clergymen and
others." Is it then true, that clergymen aie particularly accustomed
to suffer in consequence af\ keening late hours ? That such is the case ,
with " others" everybody kuows ; but we, at least, are not aware that j
it is so with clergymen. Some of the Pusejite parsons, however, may
have adopted the practice of keeping vigils ; and, perhaps, as Puseyism
is rampant in Belgravia, these late hours may be correctly styled \
fashionable. i
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A TALE OF AN ARMY TAILOR.
(See United Service Gazette?)
What wondeiful things are our officers' skirts,
Corresponding in lenjth to the tails of their shirts !
T'je Artist who ventured their tunics to clip,
iou perceive, at a mere glance, was no common Snip.
A right gallant Colonel of late went to Court,;
For his name s^e the recent C-imean Repot t,
Where his evidence figures—not, quite, it is said,
To the pleasure of Quarters call'd, commonly, Head.
To Heb Majesty's levee went he in the rig
In vernacular language described as full fig ,
Of his rank in the uniform strictly attired,
Not forgetting the tunic so vastly admired.
Now this Colonel was tall, and a journal rela'es—
—But, who can depend upon what, the Press states ?
That his height did an optical error impose
On the two eyes that flank a particular nose.
That the skirts of his tunic in length did appear
To exceed by some inches the measure severe
Prescribed by the Genius of Thimble anrl Goose,
Whose glory that garment it was to produce.
For the witness this Colonel to bear had presumed,
The report is, that he to those rations was doom'd,
By the name of " cold shoulder " to officers known i
A joint which affords less of meat than of bone.
On the following day, says the story we quote,
The Adjutant-General sent him a note
The long-skirted Colonel of sin to apprise,
Which he had committed in those sublime eyes.
Forthwith to the Horse Guards this officer fared,
With the Tailor's own pattern the garment, compared.
To the splendid original, close as one pea
To another, was found to conform to a T.
At famed Balaclava when this Colonel led
His troops in the charge 'mid the dying and dead,
It was never complain'd, hints our au hor, behiud,
That his coat tails were flying too far in the wind.
Conjecture will ask, When the tunic was tried,
Was the Tailor in waiting—his measure applied ?
WTith his shears was he ready to shorten the skirt?
WThen he found its proportions correct—was hs hurt ?
Nay, cease speculation ; the tale is a myth;
"Iwas invented hy Jones, 'twas reported by Smith.
Could those eyes so exalted—so practised—mistake ?
Would the commonest tailor misjudge his own make ?
No—the finest of figures would seem too absurd,
Too like a great long lesg'd and little wing'd bird,
In that tunic array'd, with those skirts sticking out
At the scarce covered hips, to admit of a doubt.
TOPSY TURVY TALENT-
Our Melbourne papers furnish us with some singular instances of
talent turned Topsy Turw—or as the prim purists of the press will
probably point out to us—Topside t'other way—at the Antipodes. We
have seen all sorts of odd combinations of character on the stage in
England, when the hero of the heavy tragedy has finished the evening
as the light comedian of the farce; but at the Melbourne theatre we
find the operatic basso, after embodyiug the terrible brother in Lucia,
" kindly consents to appear as Cox," in the afterpiece. This condes-
cension appears to pervade the whole company, for we find the im-
passioned Edyardo of the evening coming forward, and obligingly un-
dertaking the part of Box, and the prima donna casting a«ide her muslin
and her madness to sustain the character of Mrs. Bouncer (for this
night only), au assertion suggestive of another Bouncer by the Manager.
The Eule of Contrary.
Our Military and Naval rulers seem to be appointed to their office s
by the great Rule of Contrary ; for instance, at the Admiralty there are
Lords who have spent their whole lives on Land; and at the Horse
i Guards, there are Generals who are always at Sea.
BOBADIL AT BALACLAVA.
(Slightly altered from Ben Jonson.)
Bdbidil ... "... L—d c—rd — o-n.
Old Knoioall . . ... Mr. P—nch.
Bobadil. 1 will tell you, Sir, by the way of private, and under seal:
1 am a nobleman, and live here—a poor Inspector-General • but an 1
j held a command in the field for Her Majesty—and the Lords—observe
me—I would undertake, upon this poor head, for the public benefit, of
j the State, to save to Her Majesty and the country, the one-half, nay,
three-parts of ihe yearly charge for horses in war, and against what '
enemy soever. And how would I do it, ihink you?
Old Knowall. N»y, I know not, nor can I conceive.
Bobadil. Why, thus, Sir. I would select nineteen colonels, to my-
self, throughout the land. Gentlemen, they should be of good birth, '
comely whiskers and ample fortune. I would choose them by an
instinct, a character that I have: and T would teach these nineteen the
special rule:j, as—" Never do for yourself wbat, another can do for jou:"
| " Stay not to shiver and starve on shore, when you can sleep comfort-
i ably on board ship:" " Self-preservation is the law of nature : " "Listen
not to reason when temper speaks:" "Away with black bottles:"
" Mustachios make the man,"—and so forth, till they could all command,
very near, or altogether, as well as ui)self. This done, say our cavalry
were twenty-five thousand strong; we twenty would come into the
field the tenth of November, or thereabouts, and we could picket each
a hundred of our hor&es, on a hill, under the canopy of the sky, with
little bailey, and ltss hay. They could not, as horses, live upon each
otner's tails.
Well, we would kill them; picket a hundred more—kill them ; a
hundred more—kill them too; and thus would we kill every man his
five-score horses a-week; twenty hundreds is two thousana; two
thousaud a-week is eight thousand a-month ; three times eight—eight
times three—marry, i am no great arithmetician; but, methinks,
three months kills them all up by computa'ion.
And thus save we to Her Majesty and the nation, the keep, shelter,
and entire cost of some twenty thousand horses. And this will I
venture my poor, gentlemanlike carcase to perform, provided there be
no Commissioners set upon us, by fair and discreet generalship,—
that is, gradually, by starvation !
" THE HEAD AND FRONT" OF THEIR OFFENDING.
We thought that strong-minded women only were in the habit of
shaving their foreheads for the purpose of get'ing up an artificial intel-
j lec'uality. But a bad example is sure to find plenty of imitators ; for
we have noticed of late that several maid-servants (of a strong-minded
j turn of mind, we presume) have actually been resorting to the same
barbarous practice. You see the large blue triangular patches on their
foreheads just where the parting of the hair is, that are most unsightly,
anything but intellectual, and which give one the idea that the dis-
I coloured parts had beeu badly tattooed in order to imitate some Carib-
bean style of head-dress. The effect is most detestable; and of the
two villanous prac'ices, we would much sooner that the ladies had
their heads shaved altogether, and wore an intellectual-looking wig.
By the bye, do ladies shave themselves; or are there "Intellectual
Shavers " who do the business for them ? We wish to know if these
strong-minded Bloomers, with the bloom of an old Stilton on their
foreheads, have a regular set of " shaving tackle ; " or do they borrow
their husbands', when the Ltter are away on business? In the mean-
time, till this saponaceous mystery is cleared up, we recommendi all
fathers, husbands, and brothers, to lock up their razors. It is time j
that a stop should be put to this unsightly spread of superficial intellect, j
before it has fairly turned the heads of all our cooks and nurjery-maids.
CALUMNY ON THE CLERGY.
A Fellow who describes himself as "M.R.C.S. (1835), and L.A.C. i
(1834)," in an advertisement addressed "To the Aristocracy and I
Members of Parliament," puffs off some stuff, which he terms his
"Nervo-Artekial Essence," a* a specific "to counteract the evils cf
nervous exhaustion and debility, ai ising from the late hours of fashion-
able and parliamentary life. He offers to send, free, testimonials to
the efficacy of this ridiculoush-named compound "from clergymen and
others." Is it then true, that clergymen aie particularly accustomed
to suffer in consequence af\ keening late hours ? That such is the case ,
with " others" everybody kuows ; but we, at least, are not aware that j
it is so with clergymen. Some of the Pusejite parsons, however, may
have adopted the practice of keeping vigils ; and, perhaps, as Puseyism
is rampant in Belgravia, these late hours may be correctly styled \
fashionable. i