Punch (30.1856)

k

202 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [May 24, 1856.

some irritation, the following passionate burst
BRADS HAW. A MYSTERY. might be introduced with considerable effect.

A Fakce is being performed at the Hay-
market under the title of Grimshaw, Bagshaw,
and Brads haw j but if the first two were omit-
ted, Bradshaw alone would form an excellent
subject for a tragedy. We have much pleasure
in making a present of the following frightful
plot to any dramatist who will just take the
trifling trouble to supply the dialogue.
Act One opens with a scene in a house in
London, where Orlando is discovered earnestly
perusing the Second Column of the Times News-
paper. He utters a t obloquy something like
the following :—


Sweet Second Column of the friendly Times,
"lis by thine aid, the broken-hearted J.
Entreats the truant C. to hasten home.
To thee the Lady Eleanor repairs
To find her bracelet dropp'd at last uight's ball.
To thee the pining and deserted wife
Turns anxiously to meet her absent lord.
Thou sweet restorer of lost property,
flings, wives, keys, money, husbands, brooches,
dogs ;
All are recovered by thine agency.
To thee Orlando is indebted now
For finding where to write to Leonora.
But stay—I will not write—I '11 go at once.
The Act concludes with a bustling scene, in
which Orlando packs up ids carpet-bag, and
sends for a Bradshaw.


Act Two begins with the opening of the
Bradshaw, which has just arrived, and Orlando
eagerly turns over the pages to find the train
for Liverpool. After some dialogue of a bur


The Second Act being concluded, the Third
Act opens at Liverpool, where Leonora is dis-
covered anxiously expecting Orlando. She is
intently gazing on a Bradshaw, which she


Why, what is t'ds ? I '11 to the Index turn,
And see if that can help me. Ha, ha, ha !
There's no such place as Liverpool set down. f , ■ . . ,v
It don't exist! Liverpool is a myth. ?r™s away from her, with a speech to the
Its Commerce, Shipping, Pubiic buildings, following effect :-
Cocks, Away! away ! thou torturer of hearts,
Are all a dream—There is r.o Liverpool! j "Breaker of heads—tbou brain-perplexer go !
Servant. Be calm, good Master—turn to Bir-; I caunot spell thee out with all my pains.
kenhead. Can'st tell me when Orlando should be here ?
Orlando. My head—not Birken—'tis enough , Thou can'st not—tantaliser—mocking fiend !
to turn. j ]tor now thou seem'st to bring him to my arms,
Servant (finding a place in the book, and hand- And now thou rudely hurl'st him back again ;
mg it to his Master). Referring me to some far distant page,
See, Sir, I h^ve discovered Birkenhead. Prating of junctions or some other jargon.
Orlando {snatching the Bradshaw, and looking \ snan g0 U)aci l_I'm going mad!—I'm mad !
at it). Why so it is—theie's comfort for j
me yet.
What, does it say ? I've got it right at last
{reads)—
" Birkenhead, Lancashire, and Cheshire. J."
What'sJ.? Who's J. ? WhyJ.? What does
J. mean ?
But to the page—I see 'tis seventy-eight.
[Turns furiously to page 78.
Ha, ha! I thought as mucb ! Here's " Land-
ing stage."
Where's " Landing stage ? " Ho, ho ! 1 shall
go mad!
Let me read further. Ah ! Here's Liverpool.
The place I fain would reach—but by the book
I'm there already. How to gt t there, though?
I'll try the Down Train. Horror! worse and
worse!
That starts from Chester—how to get to
Chester ?
Will no one tell me—how to get to Chester ?
Or why to Chester need I go at all ?
{Collars his Servant.
The Fourth Act shows Orlando more cairn,
with the Bradshaw still open before him. After



Slave, tell me ! Wheiefore didst thou brinj;
this book—
Was it to torture me with ?-


ried nature with his servant, and a display of | Servant. Sir—' fis Bradshaw— ' some quiet dialogue with his faithful domestic.