Punch (33.1857)

30

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 18, 1857.

MY STARS AND GARTERS!

My dear Mrs. Grundy,

The sum of Pensions charged upon the Civil List
is limited, Madam, to £1,200 per annum. This sum repre-
sents the national liberality as exercised in the reliel of
the aged scientific and literary poor, their widows, and
orphans. Henry Cort's representative gets £50 a-year
out of this fund, Mrs. G., and that is about the average of
the allowances granted therefrom. Now, my dear lady, a
few nights ago, Lord Hotham moved, in the House of
Commons, for an account in detail of the sum of £1,625
10$. Id. charged in the Civil Contingencies—for what do
you think ? Robes, Madam, collars, badges, &c.; and &c.
means, I suppose, gold and silver lace, and, peradventure,
plush—for knights of the several orders. So, you see, we
expend £4,625 odd upon the flunkey ism of the country,
and £1,200 Qs. Qd. on its literature and science.
Mrs. Grundy, what do you say to that ?

I am, Madam, most respectfully yours,

P.S. Collars, you see, are among the rather expensive
items charged for in the Civd Contingencies—" braw brass
collars," as the Scotch poet sings ; if not collars of more
valuable metal. The name of John Bull, Esq., England,
is probably engraven upon them, and perhaps their wearers
may be Knights of the Kennel.

EFFECT OF SIXPENCE FOR SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF A MILE.

Cabby. "Well ! We ain't allowed to say much, but I'm thinking

a doose of a lot ! "

Too Bad.

There is a proposal to convert St. James's Palace into
a National Gallery. But, surely, if we consider the interests
of Academy students, apartments so unsuited for drawing-
rooms will make bad painting-rooms; while, if we think of
the pictures, accommodation admitted to be insufficient for
our fashionable young Misses, cannot be good enough for
our glorious Old Masters.

honour where honour is due.

The " principal performers " in Mr. Charles Kean's
Tempest having been called for by the audience, there was
an immediate rush of the hundred-and-forty carpenters
from behind the scenes.

MEMS. OF A MOTHER-IN-LAAY.

[Mr. Punch conceives he has a perfect right to print the memoranda following,
having found them jotted on the fly-leaves of one of his own pocket-books. Mr.
Punch will not Btoop to explain how it was the book in question fell into his hands,
nor can he allow himself to feel the slightest twinge of conscience in thus making
widely public what was obviously penned solely for the private perusal of the
writer. In his position of purveyor of amusement to the nation, Mr. Punch must
sometimes sacrifice his delicacy to his duty ; and even where, as in the present
instance, a lady is the victim, he feels that in the Editor he must sink the Man, and
hold the interests of his readers paramount to his politeness.]

" Mem. As soon as the young couple are comfortably settled, to
write to invite myself to come and spend a week with them.

" Mem. To take my easy chair and poodle and spring mattrass with
me, and all the other household comforts I am used to.

ordering the dishes which I am most fond of, because they happen to
be somewhat expensive.

" Mem. To be carefid always to be present at the monthly settlings
for housekeeping; so that should Edward ever 'wonder how the
money goes,' I may be at hand to sdence him with my ' experience,'
and to convince him that he cannot possibly expect to live cheaper than
he does, while he mil persist in ordering such quantities of walnuts
(which my dentist has lately forbidden me to touch).

" Mem. Not to forget to have my old deafness come back to me,
whenever there are any hints thrown out as to two being company and
three being none.

" Mem. To remember always to make Edward some small present
on his birthday—such as a bead purse or a pair of knitted muffatees—
as of course he will be forced to return me the compliment; and to

Mem. To sell the rest of my furniture, and give my landlord not ice \ *ave themselves trouble, men generally give one a carte blanche at
that I shall not require to be his tenant anv longer. &wan andLdgar s

" Mem. To take an early opportunity of convincing Edward that, m- out shopping with Jemima on the slightest provo-

with an experienced person in tiie house, it is quite as cheap to pro- cation, and make any little purchases I may require at the shops she
vide for three mouths as for two ^ i'^gular account at.

Mem. To give Jemima some instruction in the art of household ±. " Not to forget to tell the shopmen that, to save themselves

book-keeping, and to show her how to put down a new bonnet now
and then under the unfathomable head of " Sundries."

" Mem. To maintai n my character for being quite an invalid, because
one is thereby certain of receiving such attention.

Mem. To be ordered by my doctor to take hot suppers, and to get
him to prescribe a glass of port wine negus after them, to be drunk, of
course, medicinally.

Mem. To lose no opportunity of persuading Edward to go out
shopping with me, ' because he knows the way about so well;5 and to
be careful upon such occasions always to put on my very oldest shawl
and bonnet.

" Mem. To take the active management of tne visiting department,
and only keep up those connections who repay our diimer invitations
with good interest.'

" Mem. To rebeve Jemima of her culinary cares, by taking off her
hands the command of the cmsine, and not to be too scrupulous about

trouble, they may as well make out one bill for the two.

" Mem. To insist on sitting up for Edward whenever he dines out,
and to be careful upon such occasions to have him leave the brandy
out—that being the best thing for keeping one awake.

" Mem. To persuade Edward that Smoking is injurious to his
health, and to get the money he thus saves put into the Missionary box.
" Mem. To keep the key of it, and-■"

{Here the MS. suddenly breaks off.)

" Dirty River, Dirty River."

The Thames Conservancy Bill, we are told, is introduced to settle
disputes as to the rights of the Crown, and those of the Corporation to
the shore of the river. Surely there ought to have been no such dis
pute about what everybody admits to be " a common shore."