Punch: Punch (33.1857)

October 10, 1857.~i

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

153

" LITTLE GIRLS, COME OUT TO PLAY."

'The (Pianoforte) play's the thing.''

We extract the following Hints from a newspaper, called The
Englishwoman's Review:

1. When asked to play, you must comply at once; for, says this
rare specimen of an Englishwoman:—

" One apology such as this—' I will l-eadily comply with your wishes, but I must
claim your extremest indulgence.' is worth more than a bushel of those stereotyped
excuses, which afiectedyoung ladies are always well supplied with."

The advice is good, and we admire the quiet slap in the face that is
administered to "affected young ladies;" but we are not quite sure
whether the young lady, who, upon being led up to the pianoforte was
to say: " I will readily comply with your wishes, but I must claim your
extremest indulgence," wouldnot be rather open to the charge of affecta-
tion herself. We are afraid that some satirical Miss would call her
"pretentious," and report her to her giggling young: friends as " an
affected upstart of a blue-stocking, that had just made her escape
from some Minerva Hall in the neighbourhood of Turnham Green."

2. The second piece of advice is :—

"If you sing, do so without grimaces."

Our Englishwoman informs us that this is not so easy as, at the first
blush of the thing, it would appear ; for—

" Many of our greatest, or at any rate, most popular singers, pull shocking faces
while charming the spell-bound audiences with their silvery tones."

We are astonished that our Englishwoman has omitted to lay down the
rule that you must not attempt to touch the notes with your elbows,
or your knees, or your feet, or your nose, or your head, in vainly
endeavouring to imitate the gymnastical performances of Thalberg,
Rubinstjsin, or Listz.

9. Young ladies are sternly admonished to

" Be careful to sit with an erect back, as round-shouldered players are by no
means uncommon."

We are very sorry to hear it. In the choice of your instrument, and
in the style of your playing it, young ladies, let everything be as Square
as possible.

We should be very sorry to live next door to this refined English-
woman, for she informs us that yesterday "she practised ten hours."
Merciful powers ! what a blessing a neighbour like that must be in a
new iath-and-plaster house with brown-paper divisions ! To her pupils,
however, she is more merciful, for she is considerate enough to say :—

" Three or four hours most masters advise as the daily amount of work at the
piano : but I find it an excellent plan to play till Nature tells me *» stop."

We should think four hours more than ample. At all events, we
should not like to be condemned to live under the same roof as the
young lady who practised four hours a-day. We would as soon think
of taking lodgings over Distin's shop. If "all work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy," we are confident that all play (at the piano-
forte) and no work (at anything else) would succeed in making Jenny
a remarkably stupid girl. How many a sensible girl has completely
lost her head at The Battle of Prague !

It is a pity that the names of these popular singers have not been . -

mentioned. Perhaps, it is Mr. Cowell, or Mr. Ross, or Messrs.

Wright and Bedford, when those two comic twins (those local THE ALDERMANIC SQUABBLE
'AoeA^ol) are singing together in a burlesque ?

3. To guard against these grimaces, young ladies, vou are recom- Says Crockery to Tallow,

mended to— You re an impident fallow,"

-n. i. i i • i i , A ,, Says 1 allow to Crockerv,

" Put a looking-glass before you, when you are singing at home, and you will it -r ,, , i , „

scarce credit that that smiling dimpled face could ever have looked so crabbed." 1 won 1 siana your mOCKery.

We do not disapprove of this holding the mirror up to nature, if the
play of the features is improved by it; though, on reflection, we think
a young Gassier, who was intent upon watching her beautiful image
in the glass before her, would, as she was warbling " Portrait Char-
mant," be apt to pay more attention to the expression of the mouth
than to the expression of the music or the words.

4. Here is an invaluable bit of advice :—

" Enunciate as you would in speaking, being careful to pout out the lips for o's and
«o's, to have a mouth in a smiling position for ah's, and teeth properly closed for
e's and all such closed tones."

Nothing is said, in the above instructions, about the management of
the nose. The fair pupil is left completely in the dark as to whether
she is to compress or dilate her nostrils, or, in fact, what she is to do
with them. Yet the practice of singing through the nose is by no
means uncommon in society. We notice, also, that the i's are left out
in the above list of vowels, and likewise that no recognition has been
taken of u. Why should u and i be invidiously slighted, we should
like to know ?

Says Punch ; " Both on wrong keys,
Shut up, you two Donkeys."

OURS ELI1 IN A EAGE.

We can't stand this, and if the Emperor Napoleon can, we shah
take up the quarrel on our own account. We mean, (perhaps we are
in too great a rage to be coherent, but somebody shall understand us
in time, we engage) we mean the behaviour of Makia of Petersburg
to our beloved Eugenie of Paris. It is proper that the matter
should be understood. Old Nicholas of Russia, now abated, made a
point of insulting Louis Napoleon, and refusing to recognise him as
one of the family of Sovereigns ; if that indeed oe an insult, or as if
Corsican blood is not as good, at least, as Cossack. But Russia
having been exceeding well thrashed—by the said L. N., with the aid
of Q. V. and another or so, the successors to the abated Nicholas
deemed it as well to make a sort of surly atonement for the old one's

5. We are somewhat startled out of our propriety by the subjoined — insolence. First, Grand Duke Constantine was sent to Paris, arid

though he is a coarse kmd oi Cub, whose rudeness to all whom he
dared to annoy disgusted the French Court and People, still Nick's
son had made the first call on Louis Napoleon. Then, a meeting
This strikes us as strange language to be addressed to ladies m a , 0f the Emperors was arranged, and Alexander was to come to
ladies' newspaper. i Darmstadt, and take home his wife, Maria, who had been staying

" Do not breathe audibly, nor imitate the duck in the storm, by turning up the
white of your eyes."

However, we agree thoroughly with the good sense displayed in
the following hint :—

" If you have the slightest cold, cease your daily practice."

7- But we are doomed to be shocked again the very next minute by
such a startling suggestion as—

"If you wish to rid yourself of a hoarseness, take a little rum with the drippings
from bacon in it (infallible), and talk very little."

The rum and the bacon are too much for us. We feel inclined to call
out with George the Fourth for " Harris, a glass of brandy!" only
our servant's name happens to be Oxer, and not Harris. Still, the
shock to our nervous system has been so great, that, though we are
talking to young ladies, we must have the brandy. " Here, Oxer,
two glasses of brandy!" As for the precept about "talking very
little," we should think it belonged to that class of things that are re-
puted to be much "more easily said than done."

We have reached the climax of absurdity. After the rum and bacon,
all the other elaborate instructions to young ladies only taste insipid.
However, we subjoin a few curiosities, by way of bonbons after the
dessert.

8. When you are playing, you must

" Sit gracefully, but not stiffly : sufficiently high to allow your fore-arm to incline
downwards from the elbow to the keys. Keep your hands m a rounded position
from the wrist, and never let your thumb fall below the key-board."

with her friends, and was too unwell, she said, to come to Stuttgart.

F^or, it had been settled that the Empress Eugenie should come to
Stuttgardt with her husband, and this being understood, Maria inti-
mated that she should not come. She did not want to meet the
Empress. Against this we have nothing to say—she knew how the
beautiful Spanish lady would eclipse her, both in looks and fascination,
and every woman has a right to protect herself. The husbands meet
at Stuttgardt, but Eugenie does not go. As soon as Maria finds this
out, she unexpectedly comes over, bolts into the Congress, and makes
herself exceeding busy. Her excuse is, according to the Times, that
Alexander is such a muff that the sagacious L. N. would have turned
lam round his finger but for his wife ; and this is very likely true ; but
she knew his folly before, and could have arranged accordingly. The
fact is, that she wanted to insult the Empress Eugenie, who, happily for
herself, is not of Royal blood, and she has done it like an ill-bred female
Cossack. We own to being in a rage, and to using strong language,
for Eugenie is a great pet of ours (we have shown it in many beautiful
pictures and otherwise), and the man or woman who insults her insults
us. We are only waiting to know what Louis Napoleon means to
do; because if he exacts no reparation, we shall ourself declare war
upon the Court of Russia. The man who would refuse to stretch forth
his hand when a lovely Empress is insulted, is unworthy of the
name of