Punch: Punch (33.1857)

October 24, 1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

175

THE BATTLE OF CREMORNE.

R. Punch derives satisfaction from
finding that the Middlesex Magis-
trates will not punish Mr. Simpson,
of Cremorne, because the Police, as
usual, neglect, their duty.. Middle-
sex Justice is not so blind as to
charge Mr. Simpson with the over-
charges of cabmen, and with the con-
sequent squabblings between them
and their fares, nor will it visit upon
him the fact that some of his vis-
itors express their satisfaction with
his entertainments by uncouth shout-
ing and inharmonious singing. Such
demonstrations, botli hostile and ap-
plausive, have, Mr. Punches informed,
been once or twice heard before the
hospitable mansions of more than
one most distinguished host, "the
only veritable Amphitryon - him with
whom one dines." Mr. Punch. is
pleased with the decision by which
eighteen to eight Magistrates have
refused to injure Mb,. Simpson be-
cause cab-wheels and snobs make a
noise, and because gents may not be
as well up in the table of fares as they are in the Ready Reckoner.

But as the recognised Lord Chamberlain, Censor, and Master of
the Revels of the world, it may be expected from him that he should
express with more completeness his view of the whole Cremorne case.
He states, without the least hesitation, that he concurs with several of
his friends, members of the Royal Family, that Mr. Simpson's gardens
are very delightful ones, and for a daylight visit, a place to which a
Bishop may go without risk of a speck upon what Mr. John Timbs
aptly informs us is called by uninformed laics, the Apron, but which
the Christian world ought to know is nothing more than the short
cassock, ordered by the 74th canon. Furthermore. Mr. Punch is happy
to add, that Mr. Simpson's evening entertainments are not merely
unexceptionable, but excellent, the coloured lamps are _ Alhambraic,
the music Jullienesque, the Marionettes an immense improvement
upon the wooden actors at several theatres that might be mentioned,
the fireworks worthy to celebrate a Peace by which we gained some-
thing (everybody will comprehend that we don't refer to the Treaty of
Paris), while the poetry of the Hermit seems modelled upon—though
superior to the compositions of—but perhaps we have touched up that
great bard often enough. The refreshments are capital, and though
not unmindful of the Chateau Margaux and the punch, we have been
particularly struck with the rich flavour and aroma of the Imperial
Pop, vintage 1857, the Comet year. Lastly, while on the credit side
of the account, Mr. Punch must not omit to say, that the behaviour of
the visitors is exceedingly exemplary, far better, especially as regards
the dancers, than that of many of the attendants at similar Parisian
places, to which Paterfamilias, once away from the respectabdity of
Bloomsbury Square, hurries, and very often takes Materfamilias, and
thinks he has rather done a knowing thing than not. And whether all
the said visitors may take with them "all the Virtues under Heaven,"
(the demise of Bishop Berkeley having left those amiabilities
without a residence, an allusion which no fast man will understand,
and so we refer him to Mr. Peter Cunningham for explanation)
we do not exactly know. Some people behave all the better in the
absence of a conviction that they are immaculate, and can do nothing
wrong.

But Mr. Punchhegs to state, with equal distinctness, that he knows,
and desires to know nothing of the Gardens after the evening's pro-
gramme is over. They may, after midnight, be as orderly as before.
He has no evidence before him. Decent people walk off before to-
morrow walks in. And so they ought. Any person with the duties
of life to do—we don't speak of idle Swells, War Ministers, Members
of the Metropolitan Central Board, and other useless beings—must be
up at eight o'clock, and be well through his hearty breakfast by nine.
ISobody, whether he be Member of Parliament, clergyman, doctor,
lawyer, tradesman, author, or anybody else with anything to do, can
want to be at a place of amusement after midnight. Allow another
hour for the home journey, and tranquillising cigar, and curtain lecture,
and the clock strikes one. Seven golden hours of sleep are coins the
strongest must pay as ground-rent to Nature. And therefore we have
nothing to say to anybody who stays at Cremorne, or anywhere else, at
unseemly hours, except that he ought to be ashamed of himself.

Natheless, Mr. P. is glad that the Magistrates did not make an
exceptional rule against Cremorne, and compel closing at an hour
when, if a theatrical manager has the cruelty, and a playgoer the lolly,
to inflict and to witness dramatic debility, the playhouse may remain
open. Pair play all round. And Mr. Punch will not conclude' without

adding, that the Magistrates must have arrived at their decision from the
promptings of their own sense of justice and logic, for the trashy clap-
trap chiefly offered in favour of the licence was worthy of all contempt.
Had it been proved that the Gardens were a nuisance, it was not
because the owner "had laid out £30,000," and given "£325 to the
Indian Fund," and " was the largest ratepayer in the parish," that the
licence ought to have been granted. It certainly ought not—even in
money-grubbing England—to be in favour of a nuisance that it was
established at a great expense, or that a fraction of its profits was
given in charity. The fact wasrthat there was no case ; and satisfied
as Mr. Punch is with the result, he would have liked it better, un-
garnished with Bosh.

POETRY OF COURT JOURNALISM.

"My dear Mr. Punch,

" The following beautiful piece of writing is taken from the
Court Journal. It occurs in a description of the Ball Room at
Balmoral: —

'* Above, the walls are decorated with sylvan trophies and emblems—stags' heads,
the spoils of the Prince's rifle, forming conspicuous objects."

" ' Spoils of the Prince's rifle!' Oh ! how elegant! how sweetly
pretty! Any common coarse writer would have said 'shot by the
Prince.' What a. nice man that writer in the Court Journal must be,
who expresses himself with reference to the trophies of his Ptoyal
Highness's sportsmanship in such charming and appropriate language.

" Ever yours,

"Melissa Gush."

"P.S. I wonder if he is handsome."

TELEGRAPH AND TELEGRAM.

By a Dublin University Poet.

Here is a bother, here 'a a to-do,

About using one letter instead of two !

And why are the Greeks to teach us to call

A thing the spalpeens niver heard of at all ?

(Unless yon suppose the spark in the wire

Was known to them by the name of Greek Fire).

End it with Phi, or end it with Mu,

What does it signify which you do?

End it with Mu, or end it with Phi,

The point's not worth a potaty's eye,

Contemn sucli ulthrapedantic appeals,

And put your shoulders to these two wheels :

Reduce the charges, which now is plundering,

And teach the clerks to spell without blundering.

Badly Brought Up.

A Swell-Mobsman, hearing a moralist enlarge on the benefits of self-
examination, said: " It was all very fine, but he had often been before
the Magistrate of the Thames Police-Court, and he must say he didn't
like a Selfe-Examination at all! "