DOI issue:
December 26, 1857
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16620#0268
258 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 26. 1357.
UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
ilt and Mrs. Fencer will
cease to receive as usual, in
consequence of having been
committed to Newgate.
Mr. Motley is entertaining
a select circle at his place in
the Ring.
Mr. Faker has arrived at
the Spotted Dog.
Mr. Bill Snorkey has in-
vited to his suburban esta-
blishment a large party of the
democracy to partake of the
sport of Ratting.
The Home Secretary has
done Mr. Ruffy the honour
of conferring on him a Ticket-
of-leave.
Master Frisk has got three
months.
Mr. Hookit, the Bank Di-
rector, has quitted England
for change of air, that of
this country having been pro-
nounced too warm for him.
The destination of the
honourable gentleman is at
present unknown.
THE SWEET USES OF PROSPERITY.*
Man, when prosperous, is kept regularly acquainted with all the
pressing wants of his friends.
He is reminded of every little favour and obligation that has ever
been conferred upon him during his life-time, even including his school-
days.
He is beset by mothers with marriageable daughters.
He becomes the target of all begging-letter writers.
He is applied to by every charity, every hospital, every institute,
every reformatory, besides every bubble company, for subscriptions,
and must run the risk of being considered " mean," or called " a
screw," if he declines subscribing to every one of them.
He becomes the slave of a large retinue of servants, and is obliged to
put up with their caprices, their pretensions, their impertinences, and
the various other forms and phases of ingratitude that Flunkey ism, in
its pampered state, is mostly addicted to.
He is expected, every now and then, to take the chair at a public dinner.
H3 yokes himself to a magnificent carriage with the most beautiful
horses, and becomes terribly alarmed at the smallest accident occurring
to them.
He is doomed to hear nothing but flattery, and should the truth
by any accident be told him, it sounds so harshly in his ears that he is
almost inclined to resent it as an insult.
He has fulsome dedications, and is obliged to buy innumerable
copies of stupid books, as he knows well enough that the dedication is
written for no other object.
He has his town-house and his country-house, his carriage-horses
and his riding-horses, besides hunting-horses and horses for his friends
and his grooms, and favourite dogs, every one of which is a source of
endless anxiety to him. With his possessions increase his cares.
He is dunned to death to be the Director, or Guardian, or Trustee,
or Chairman, of nearly all the equivocal Societies and Companies,
philanthropical or otherwise, that have " Swindling " written in large
characters upon the brass front of their doors or prospectuses.
He has relations without end constantly springing up, and they
clamour at his gates, and demand relief as boldly as paupers knocking
at an union-workhouse.
He has every false Apollo, every Wardour-Street Venus, every
Brummagem Laocobn, submitted _ to his critical notice, either for
purchase, patronage, or puff ; and is pestered by quacks of all descrip-
tions for testimonials, testifying that he has had extracted without
the smallest pain from his little toe a corn as big as a walnut, or that
he has been in the habit of taking the Essence oe Gammon for the
Last nineteen years, and has derived the greatest benefit from it.
He preserves game, and is in a perpetual state of alarm lest the
poachers should not leave him a single pheasant.
He must not question a tradesman's account, but submit gracefully
to every imposition, inasmuch as he has plenty of money, and can well
afford to pay for it.
He is expected, from his exalted position, to set an example to others;
* Vide " The Sweet Uses of Adversity," Vol. xxxii., p. 107.
so woe to him if he is not regular in his attendance at church, and
still greater woe to him if he should happen, during- an asphyxiating
sermon, to fall asleep; woe to him if he attempts to sneak off a jury,
or tries to get himself excused from attending at an inquest; woe to
him if he refuses to serve as churchwarden; woe to him if he is diffident
about examining charity children, or delicate about the distribution of
tracts or soup-tickets; and everlasting woe to him, if he fail in
running about with all the benevolent old women of the neighbourhood
in catechising, relieving, and visiting the queerest people in. the
queerest places.
Notwithstanding all these cares and anxieties, in spite of all the
persecutions and drawbacks to which Prosperity is, from its nature
and worldly condition, condemned, I fancy that there are few amongst
us who would not wish to be Prosperous to-morrow ? For myself, I
candidly confess I should not mind having the Marquis of West-
minster's wealth; though I should decline it, if the condition were
attached to it, that I must be the Marquis of Westminster ! No,
believe me, that of all the sweet uses of Prosperity, the sweetest is
in knowing how to use it!—The Hermit of the Eaymarket.
HOMAGE TO THE HORSERADISH.
Horseradish, hast thou never stung,
At Christmas-tide, a poet's tongue?
No more shalt thou remain unsung.
A host of bards, with all their means,
Have glorified those evergreens
Which now adorn our festive scenes.
But holly, prickly though it be,
Hath nothing of such pungency
That it can be compared with thee.
Apart from mistletoe, right lief,
I'd snatch a kiss ; but, oh, what grief
To miss horseradish with roast-beef!
LORD PUNCH TO LORD COVENTRY.
M.Y dear young Lord,
In the sporting papers of this week I read as follows :—
" Lord Coventry is entering, with much, enthusiasm, upon the turf. His Lorn
ship is forming an admirable stud."
Now, my dear young Lord (I may call you so, because I learn from
my esteemed friend, Mr. Dod, that you were born in 1838), listen
to me.
In the sporting papers of about this time four years, or perhaps less,
I shall assuredly read as follows :—
" Lord Coventry retires from the turf, and his stud is on sale. He is so dis-
gusted with the rascality which he has witnessed, and of which he has been a
victim, that he will have no more to do with racing men. It is deplorable to see
how all gentlemen are deterred from the noble sport by the scoundrelism of those
who make it a trade."
And, my dear young Lord, your bankers' account will be the worse by
some £30*000 by the interval between the two dates. And that sum
will have gone to benefit a set of fellows whom it would be a most
excellent thing to send to penal servitude for the rest of their natural
lives.
Come, George William, there have been some clever men in your
family. It claimed a Lord Keeper, in 1625, don't let it claim a Lord
Loser in 1858. Leave the turf to its rogues, send tlie £30,000 to the
Indian Fund, and write me a letter of thanks for the hint.
Ever, my dear young Lord,
Your affectionate Guardian,
Shortest Day, 1857. $?H$C$.
Corrupt Practices.—For a medical man to be continually called
out of church in the middle of the service !—For a young gentleman
to practise the cornet-a-pistons in the middle of the night!—For a
barrister to accept the fees for more briefs than he can possibly attend
to!—For an infernal bore to begin proposing healths, and making
speeches, directly after dinner !—For a conceited barber's-apprentice
of a singer to come forward, and repeat his dreary song, at the very
faintest cry for an " Encore ! "—For the stupid public to persist in the
corrupt practice of having any "Encores" at all, more especially in
sacred compositions !—and for a beautiful young lady (more shame for
her ! when she has a capacity both for singing and playing) to neglect
her music, and give up practising altogether, as soon as she is married!
Design por a Cartoon in the Bank-Parlour.—Pa.m teaching
the Old Lady in Threadneedle Street to fly kites.
UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
ilt and Mrs. Fencer will
cease to receive as usual, in
consequence of having been
committed to Newgate.
Mr. Motley is entertaining
a select circle at his place in
the Ring.
Mr. Faker has arrived at
the Spotted Dog.
Mr. Bill Snorkey has in-
vited to his suburban esta-
blishment a large party of the
democracy to partake of the
sport of Ratting.
The Home Secretary has
done Mr. Ruffy the honour
of conferring on him a Ticket-
of-leave.
Master Frisk has got three
months.
Mr. Hookit, the Bank Di-
rector, has quitted England
for change of air, that of
this country having been pro-
nounced too warm for him.
The destination of the
honourable gentleman is at
present unknown.
THE SWEET USES OF PROSPERITY.*
Man, when prosperous, is kept regularly acquainted with all the
pressing wants of his friends.
He is reminded of every little favour and obligation that has ever
been conferred upon him during his life-time, even including his school-
days.
He is beset by mothers with marriageable daughters.
He becomes the target of all begging-letter writers.
He is applied to by every charity, every hospital, every institute,
every reformatory, besides every bubble company, for subscriptions,
and must run the risk of being considered " mean," or called " a
screw," if he declines subscribing to every one of them.
He becomes the slave of a large retinue of servants, and is obliged to
put up with their caprices, their pretensions, their impertinences, and
the various other forms and phases of ingratitude that Flunkey ism, in
its pampered state, is mostly addicted to.
He is expected, every now and then, to take the chair at a public dinner.
H3 yokes himself to a magnificent carriage with the most beautiful
horses, and becomes terribly alarmed at the smallest accident occurring
to them.
He is doomed to hear nothing but flattery, and should the truth
by any accident be told him, it sounds so harshly in his ears that he is
almost inclined to resent it as an insult.
He has fulsome dedications, and is obliged to buy innumerable
copies of stupid books, as he knows well enough that the dedication is
written for no other object.
He has his town-house and his country-house, his carriage-horses
and his riding-horses, besides hunting-horses and horses for his friends
and his grooms, and favourite dogs, every one of which is a source of
endless anxiety to him. With his possessions increase his cares.
He is dunned to death to be the Director, or Guardian, or Trustee,
or Chairman, of nearly all the equivocal Societies and Companies,
philanthropical or otherwise, that have " Swindling " written in large
characters upon the brass front of their doors or prospectuses.
He has relations without end constantly springing up, and they
clamour at his gates, and demand relief as boldly as paupers knocking
at an union-workhouse.
He has every false Apollo, every Wardour-Street Venus, every
Brummagem Laocobn, submitted _ to his critical notice, either for
purchase, patronage, or puff ; and is pestered by quacks of all descrip-
tions for testimonials, testifying that he has had extracted without
the smallest pain from his little toe a corn as big as a walnut, or that
he has been in the habit of taking the Essence oe Gammon for the
Last nineteen years, and has derived the greatest benefit from it.
He preserves game, and is in a perpetual state of alarm lest the
poachers should not leave him a single pheasant.
He must not question a tradesman's account, but submit gracefully
to every imposition, inasmuch as he has plenty of money, and can well
afford to pay for it.
He is expected, from his exalted position, to set an example to others;
* Vide " The Sweet Uses of Adversity," Vol. xxxii., p. 107.
so woe to him if he is not regular in his attendance at church, and
still greater woe to him if he should happen, during- an asphyxiating
sermon, to fall asleep; woe to him if he attempts to sneak off a jury,
or tries to get himself excused from attending at an inquest; woe to
him if he refuses to serve as churchwarden; woe to him if he is diffident
about examining charity children, or delicate about the distribution of
tracts or soup-tickets; and everlasting woe to him, if he fail in
running about with all the benevolent old women of the neighbourhood
in catechising, relieving, and visiting the queerest people in. the
queerest places.
Notwithstanding all these cares and anxieties, in spite of all the
persecutions and drawbacks to which Prosperity is, from its nature
and worldly condition, condemned, I fancy that there are few amongst
us who would not wish to be Prosperous to-morrow ? For myself, I
candidly confess I should not mind having the Marquis of West-
minster's wealth; though I should decline it, if the condition were
attached to it, that I must be the Marquis of Westminster ! No,
believe me, that of all the sweet uses of Prosperity, the sweetest is
in knowing how to use it!—The Hermit of the Eaymarket.
HOMAGE TO THE HORSERADISH.
Horseradish, hast thou never stung,
At Christmas-tide, a poet's tongue?
No more shalt thou remain unsung.
A host of bards, with all their means,
Have glorified those evergreens
Which now adorn our festive scenes.
But holly, prickly though it be,
Hath nothing of such pungency
That it can be compared with thee.
Apart from mistletoe, right lief,
I'd snatch a kiss ; but, oh, what grief
To miss horseradish with roast-beef!
LORD PUNCH TO LORD COVENTRY.
M.Y dear young Lord,
In the sporting papers of this week I read as follows :—
" Lord Coventry is entering, with much, enthusiasm, upon the turf. His Lorn
ship is forming an admirable stud."
Now, my dear young Lord (I may call you so, because I learn from
my esteemed friend, Mr. Dod, that you were born in 1838), listen
to me.
In the sporting papers of about this time four years, or perhaps less,
I shall assuredly read as follows :—
" Lord Coventry retires from the turf, and his stud is on sale. He is so dis-
gusted with the rascality which he has witnessed, and of which he has been a
victim, that he will have no more to do with racing men. It is deplorable to see
how all gentlemen are deterred from the noble sport by the scoundrelism of those
who make it a trade."
And, my dear young Lord, your bankers' account will be the worse by
some £30*000 by the interval between the two dates. And that sum
will have gone to benefit a set of fellows whom it would be a most
excellent thing to send to penal servitude for the rest of their natural
lives.
Come, George William, there have been some clever men in your
family. It claimed a Lord Keeper, in 1625, don't let it claim a Lord
Loser in 1858. Leave the turf to its rogues, send tlie £30,000 to the
Indian Fund, and write me a letter of thanks for the hint.
Ever, my dear young Lord,
Your affectionate Guardian,
Shortest Day, 1857. $?H$C$.
Corrupt Practices.—For a medical man to be continually called
out of church in the middle of the service !—For a young gentleman
to practise the cornet-a-pistons in the middle of the night!—For a
barrister to accept the fees for more briefs than he can possibly attend
to!—For an infernal bore to begin proposing healths, and making
speeches, directly after dinner !—For a conceited barber's-apprentice
of a singer to come forward, and repeat his dreary song, at the very
faintest cry for an " Encore ! "—For the stupid public to persist in the
corrupt practice of having any "Encores" at all, more especially in
sacred compositions !—and for a beautiful young lady (more shame for
her ! when she has a capacity both for singing and playing) to neglect
her music, and give up practising altogether, as soon as she is married!
Design por a Cartoon in the Bank-Parlour.—Pa.m teaching
the Old Lady in Threadneedle Street to fly kites.