Punch: Punch (36.1859)

20 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January s, 185a.

AS'lROLOGY FOR IRISH BLACKGUARDS.

Taurus in the Cusp of the Tenth House. Looney
Mactwolter joins a Riband Society.

Mars in Square with Saturn. Looney purchases a
bluiiderbuss.

Aries in Trine to Cancer. The lot to assassinate a
Landlord falls upon Looney.

Retrocession of proud Jupiter in the Crab. Looney
loads his blunderbuss with slugs, and sneaks behind a
hedge.

Mars in Leo. Looney fires his blunderbuss at somebody
else's Landlord, and shoots his own Priest by mistake.

Mercury in Square with Libra A reward being offered
for the apprehension of the murderer, Looney is betrayed
bv_ several of his _ associates, tried at the Assizes, found
guilty by a jury of his country, and sentenced to death

Occultation of Jupiter by the Moon. Looney Mac-
twolter is hanged.

HOT WATER WITH AMERICA.

Another serious complication with America is unfortu-
i nately to be apprehended. Yesterday an individual arrayed
■ in an ample blue coat of broad cloth, with brass buttons,
a buff waistcoat and drab breeches; his legs encased in top
! boots, his upper storey surmounted with a broad-brimmed
hat, his hands in his pockets, and a cudgel under his arm,
calling himself John Bull, was conveyed to the Police
Office on a charge of swindling. In his pockets were found
1 abundant evidence that his real name was Obadiah Brum,
of Brurnvilie, N. Y. ; on the manifestation of which fact
he "cut up rough," and declared that the British con-
stabulary officials had in his person violated the privileges
of an American citizen by exercising the Right of Search.
Correspondence on the subject has taken place between
Mr. Dallas and Lord Malmesbury.

Classical Conundrum.

Picked up near St. Paul's.

JUVENILE ETYMOLOGY. j Q- H a gent wished to invite another to his house, and

! wanted to remind him to put on his best toggery, in what
Master Jack. " Mamma dear ! Now isn't this called Kissmas Time, because one Latin word could he express both wishes ?
Evyerbody kisses Evyerbody dnder the Mistletoe ? Ada says, it isn't." I A. " Circumspice.''" (i.e., Gentice, "Sir, come spicy! ")

ULTI1A-CREPIDATORS.

Coleridge, in one of his letters to Sir Humphrey Davy, says :—

" That i was a well-meaning sutor who had ultra-crepidated with more zeal than
wisdom ! ! i give myself credit for that word ' ultra-crepidated ; ' it started up in
my brain like a creation."

Yes, it is a fine cobbled word. We like the notion of ultra-crcpi-
dating as little as we like the race of men who, if we may be allowed to
coin at the same mint, may be called "ultra-crepidators." And society
is full of these abominable busy-bodies, who make it their business to
attend to everybody else's business but their own.

A builder, who will persist in being his own architect, is an Ultra-
crepidator, to whom we are indebted for the heaps of mushroom villas
and fungi mansions, that, in wild luxuriance, are stuccoed over the
suburbs of London.

The apothecary, who presumes to give advice as if he were a medical
man, is also an Ultra-crepidator, who causes an infinity of mischief by
going beyond the boundary of his pestle and mortar. The bills, as well
as the pills, of mortality, (by which we mean all Life-Pills,) are largely
indebted to him for their increase.

The manager of a theatre, who fancies he can write just as well as
any practised author, and will persist in thrusting on the stage his own
puny farcelings, that are so weak that there is no chance of their
making a stand, much less having a run, is another ugly phase of the
Ultra-crepidator, whose attempts at wit are so atrociously bad, that it
would be a real comfort to know he had stuck to his "last."

The man who ventures to interfere in a matrimonial quarrel between
man and wife, is a rich specimen of the Ultra-crepidatorial class, whose
folly is generally rewarded, as it deserves to be, by his " catching it"
severely on both sides.

The patriot who abuses the power of his influence by setting class
against class, is in his way an Ultra-crepidator, who generally finds out
his mistake by the time that the popularity, upon which he has been
trading, has all but left him, when the chances are, he is the first to
im the victim to the prejudices he has created.

The country, that makes a practice of intermeddling on all occasions
with the private affairs of other nations, is guilty of Ultra-crepidation
of the saddest and most ruinous nature, from the effects of which it
rarely ever recovers. A National Debt is the mildest punishment of
such practices; for they likewise involve a painful loss of life and
character, for which the instigators of the wicked folly should be held
legally, as they are morally; responsible.

Circumlocution is an indirect form of Ultra-crepidation, for the last
business it attends to is mostly the oneit has taken in hand. It shines
particularly in minding everything but its own business; or if it does
by accident attend to it, it turns out by the time it commences, there
is no further occasion for its services. The business in the meantime
has quietly settled itself.

And lastly, any one who is guilty of aiming at an excellence he is
disqualified by nature and education from attaining—for instance, any
one who is vain enough to compete with Bunch, — is an arrant
Ultra-crepidator, whose impertinence is deserving of our heartiest
contempt, which we accordingly award to him in the most liberal
manner.

If only for the last reason, all future dictionaries should be enriched
with the addition of the word "Ultra-crepidator," to which should be
appended the classical names of Coleridge and Punch.

" THE LATE EARTHQUAKE IN PORTUGAL."

We read a paragraph in a newspaper with the above heading. We
only wondered what could have occurred to an Earthquake on the road
to make it late. We always laboured under the idea that an Earth-
quake was always up in a crack, and waited neither for time, tide,
man, woman, or child. Did the Earthquake^ hesitate before it took
its huge meal, fancying that there might be Naples, or the Tuileries,
or some other place worthier of its dainty swallow ? However, let an
earthquake come ever so late, we should think it must always be on
the ground very much too early.