Punch (36.1859)

June 18, 1859.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

245

CANDID.

Cook. " Fine day, Mr. Chalks ! "

Mr. Challcs. " Yes, Cookey, it's a very fine day ; but if we haven't some
Kain soon, I don't know what we shall do for MILK !"

MY STARS AND GARTERS !

I Sometimes wish I were a King

That Honour's fountain I might be;
And oh how fresh you'd find the spring

If Honour bubbled forth from me!
For rank and title I'd bestow,

By an old rule, on objects new:
Since I should by the maxim go,

Honour to whom the same is due.

My coronets the heads should grace

That held within the highest brain.
Science I'd give at least a place

As good as eminent Chicane;
For I think useful knowledge ought

To hold its head as high as law,
And do suppose that men of thought

Deserve no less than men of jaw.

-Brave Soldiers I would still promote,

And Sailors—for they keep the peace;
And for that cause, with equal note

Would I distinguish the Police.
The knife encountered in the slums

Should merit Valour's Cross to show;
Death from a home-born savage comes

As like as from a foreign foe.

What are domestic cut-throats less

Than Sepoys, or than Sepoys more ?
What else are slaves, with fell excess

Who burn to ravage England's shore P
From equal blackguards, guards alike,

Policemen act with soldiers' hearts,
And soldiers for Britannia strike,

As Constables for Foreign Parts.

Inspectors I would Captains make,

Superintendents all should be
Colonels ; Commissioners should take

A General Officer's degree.
Our heroes, blue and red, should share

An equal glory and renown,
For braving danger here and there,

In putting thieves and ruffians down.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

LATEST TELEGKAM.

Saturday Morning, Two a.m.
Louis Napoleon Palmerston and Victoii Emmanuel Russell
have crossed the Floor, under a tremendous fire from the Austrian
invader, Disraeli, who has been compelled to retire. The slaughter
of character on both sides has been awful. London is illuminated, as
usual at this time of night.

June 6.—Monday. Into the House of Lords came the elegant
Cii elmsford, as Chancellor, not long destined to grace the Woolsack.
Probably, as he sat there, and listened to his fellow-peers a swearing,
lie thought how very much better he must look in his robes than would
either of his probable successors—the subtle Bethell, or the fiery
Cockburn. But he did not give utterance to any such sentiment.

Into the House of Commons came an Austrian nobleman of the
name of Rothschild, and another Austrian nobleman, his brother.
Likewise came a City nobleman called Salomons. Before which three
children of Israel did the frantic Newdegate dash himself on the floor,
and wildly seek to trip them up in their way to their seats. But Lord
John Russell and the Speaker straightway clapped a strait-waist-
coat upon the enthusiast, and the Hebrew noblemen proceeded to their
places in peace.

Tuesday. Lord Derby's Parliament opened.

Her Gracious Majesty Queen Alexandrina {Mr. Punch is on such
terms with his Sovereign, that he may call her by any respectful name
he chooses, and he chooses to air his Monarch's first name, out of com-
pliment to Dr. Croly, the poet, who has been writing a long letter in
the Morning Advertiser, abusing the City Chamberlain for scoffing at
Alexander the Great) came in state to the New Palace of West-
minster, and read the following verses :—

" 1 am grieved, my dear Lords, and dear Gentlemen too,
To state, as I now most reluctantly do,

That poor Malmesbury there (though I'm sure he's had due rope)
Has failed in suspending the conflict in Europe.

" The French and Sardinians have joined in alliance,
And bid Francis Joseph the fiercest defiance;
All parties declare that they 're friendly to me,
So I shall be neutral, till--well, we shall see.

" I have faith in that pledge and that promise of peace,
And, therefore, my navy I'm begged to increase;
Ready votes of supplies I perceive on your lips,
And I know you will help me in manning my ships.

" King Francis informs me his father is dead,
And that he is the Sovereign of Naples instead.
I've renewed the relations (he may turn out well)
Which I broke with the wietch who is now—in his shell.

" If you think, while preparing for probable storm,
You have time to attend to the thing called Reform,
Why, do ; but if not, make no needless delay;
The affair should be settled and out of the way."

The Queen had scarcely withdrawn, looking at the Mistress of
the Robes with a compassionate glance (as a kind-hearted lady looks
at a lady's-maid who is going to lose her situation for no fault of her
own, but on account of the other servants' quarrels), when prepa-
rations were made for conflict. This, beginning on the first night of the
Session, raged for three days ; and rather before dawn on the Saturday
morning the bamier of Lord Derby had gone down.

Members of Parliament grew so terribly Cocky at Mr. Punch
noticing them all in his Report of the Reform Debate, that there has
been no bearing them. The complaints which reach him on the
subject are constant and piteous. Everybody who was mentioned in
that astonishing Homeric Poem is always pulling the Number out of
his pocket, and with pretence of not caring about the honour, showing
that it has hushed and intoxicated him. This is very natural; and