Punch (36.1859)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 22, 1859.

ADVERTISING LITERATURE.

eldom do we see an advertise-
ment by a regular practi-
tioner; but those of quack
doctors are plentiful enough.
We therefore think the fol-
lowing exception to the rule
is worthy, for its rareness,
of insertion in our columns.
Merely altering the names,
and omitting certain details
which are unfit for any but a
medical publication, we copy
it verbatim from a country
print:—

ME. NEWLEAF, Member
of the Royal College of Sur-
geons, and Licentiate of Apothe-
caries' Hall, London, respectfully
informs his patients that he may
now always be found at home so-
ber. He has studied Physic for
25 years, 7 years of which were
spent with his father, who was in
extensive*practice for half a cen-
tury,) and who was particularly
distinguished for his knowledge of
and successful treatment of all
kinds of diseases under the old
system.) Mr. Newleaf afterwards
studied under the first Surgeons in
London, and was House Pupil with
S. * * *, Esq., who performed the

operation of * * *, which had invariably terminated fatally in th e hands of other eminent surgeons ; he was
also a pupil of St. George's Hospital, which beds 500 in-patients ; besides having thousands of outdoor patients;
he resided next door to this Hospital, and therefore had. an opportunity of seeing all accidental and many other
cases before the arrival of the surgeons.

Mr. Newleaf has also been in actual practice 15 years in Planktown, during which period he has become
fully acquainted with the diseases which prevail in this locality, and has attended upwards of 300 cases of
Midwifery.

Mr. Newleaf has the greatest abhorrence of quackery ; but in justice to himself, wishes to intimate that,
having been frequently intoxicated, many of his former patients forsook him, and many reports have been
circulated much to his prejudice ; among others that " he was always drunk, and had given up following his
Profession." He wishes, however, to state that he does follow his Profession, haying just purchased a first-rate
horse and vehicle, so that he can now attend patients who reside at a distance from Blanktown.

His charges are—in consultation :—under 4 miles. Half a Guinea ; above 4 miles and under 8, One Guinea ;
above 8 miles and under 20, Two Guineas ; and above 20 miles and 30, Three Guineas :—when in daily attend-
ance upon patients, £1 Is. per week under 1 mile, if seen once a day ; twice a day, £2 2s. ; if above 1 mile, Is.
per mile extra.

Mr. N. is disgusted with the present mode of paying medical men, judging of the bill by the quantity of
medicine taken. His plan is to give as little physic as possible, he only wishing to be paid for his skill and
attendance.

Mr. Newleaf will be happy at all times to meet any other legally-qualified Practitioner, and give up
the patient to him.

Whatever else be thought of it, there is certainly an honesty about this announcement
which contrasts very favourably with most medical advertisements. With no great stretch
of fancy we can conceive the possibility of a quack doctor's getting drunk; but to imagine
a quack doctor would advertise the fact is too improbable a thought for our conception to
give birth to. The rule in vino Veritas would not apply in that case, for no amount of drinking
would ever make a quack so far forget his nature as to speak the truth. Mr. Newleaf
therefore need not have feared that his advertisement might be mistaken for a quack's;
although we know it is thought quackish for a medical man to advertise, even when he does
so "in justice to himself."

The soberness of statemer^t with which Mr. Newleae owns his past intemperance, and
intimates that he has now turned over a new leaf, is in better taste, we think, than other
parts of his advertisement, which to our mind, smack too much of the nature of mere
puffs. When he speaks in such high terms of his relatives and antecedents, we are apt to
call to mind the theatrical phenomenon, who couldn't act himself, but knew a gentleman who
could ; and when he adds to his assertion that he " does follow his profession," the remark
that he has "purchased a first-rate horse and vehicle," we feel tempted to conjecture that
ais practice ran so fast away from him, that he needed something " first-rate " in the equine
way to follow it.

Mr. N.'s disgust at the mode of paying doctors, according to the quantity of medicine
they send in to _ one, we do not mind confessing that we cordially share. We however think
the system is with more truth to be described as of old time than of present. Punch knocked
tt on the head some dozen volumes since, and all sensible practitioners have taken his advice,
and now charge by the sickness instead of by the dose. In lieu of those interminable
'mixtures," "draughts," and "pills," Punch decreed, that doctors' bills should consist of
smgle items, as—

To curing yvi of cold.......& s. d.

To cleaning out your hvet......£ s. d.

To extracting pain from toe......£ • s. d.

and in brevity the like. Least taken, soonest mended, Punch had found to be the rule;
and so when deluged with black doses he "threw physic to the dogs," and told his doctor he
must look to Toby as his patient. It was bad enough, Punch found, to bear the cost of
over-dosing, without having to gulp down the nasty stuff made up for him.

The Mayne Drainage Scheme—The Police rate in St. Pancras.

THE CHARGE OF THE BURNS
BRIGADE.

" We hear that no fewer than 600 poems have been
sent in for the prize of 50 guineas offered by the Crystal
Palace Company for the best copy of verses to be recited
on the hundredth anniversary of the Birthday of Burns."

" How many candidates ? "—
Thus the world wondered—
Little it deemed that then

Scribbled six hundred!
" Write ! " cried the Company:
Not theirs the modesty
Asking, " Is't mine to try ? "
Theirs but the pen to ply ;
Hard for the fifty guas,

Wrote the six hundred !

Critics to right of them,
Critics to left of them,
Critics in front of them

Volleyed and thundered.
Poems are hard to sell,
Publishers all can tell:
Yet scorning waste of time,
Braving the critics' yell,

Wrote the sis hundred !

Flashed all their pen-knives bare,
Nibbed were their goose-quills fair,
Helicon's heights to dare,
While at such rhymester-growih

All the world wondered:
Rhyme spurning reason's yoke,
Priscian's head they broke ;
Line on line, stroke on stroke ;
Making the judges feel
Blank and dumbfoundered,
One they might please, but not,

Not the six hundred.

Rhymesters to right of them,
Rhymesters to left of them,
Rhymesters behind them,

Volleyed and thundered,
Stormed at with shout and yell,
They that had given the bell,
Pale on the judgment seat,
Wished themselves off again,
Ere they had dared to sell
Thirty score bards save one.

Out of six hundred '

Honour to Burns ! and gold,
fifty broad pieces told,
To him the prize shall hold,
One of six hundred !

ILLITERATE MEN OF LETTERS.

Gentlemen—by the showing of "Cantab"
in the Times—may be entitled to write M.A. or
D.D. or L.L.D. after their names, on account of
their classical or mathematical attainments, and
yet be incapable of writing in plain English a
notice fit to be stuck on a church door. A bull
in a china-shop is not more out of place than a
bull on the door of a Protestant English College
chapel. Could not Lindley Murray Professor-
ships be established at Oxford and Cambridge;
and ought not examinations to be instituted with
the view of securing, on the part of graduates,
some proficiency in the art of writing and speaking
the Engbsh language with propriety, if not with
elegance ? Elegance, however, might be exacted
of all candidates for honours: at any rate the
occupant of a high place in the mathematical or
classical tripos ought not to deserve the position
of a common dunce on the stool of a juvenile
academy. It is sad to think how many great
scholars are half-educated men, and, as regards
their mother tongue, might (if they got "into
trouble") be classed in the prison-registry, as
Imperfect Writers, under the head of " W. Imp."