Punch (36.1859)

38

[January 22, 1859.

Victor, son of Caul' Alberto,
Who to this bird and to that bird.
Looked as one that, knowing Latin,
(Which he didn't,) would have murmured,
" Quis Oustodiat CustoAes?"

But what followed such alliance,
And what came of such protection,
What befel the little farmer,
How the pigs and poultry liked it,
Yet remains hid infuturo ;
Yet remains for Punch to sing of,
Loth for pigs' and poultry's warning,
And for little farmers' also.

A WORD ON THE MODEL REPUBLIC.

Suppose that the ordinary language of parliamentary debate were
thieves' Latin; that Hon. Members were accustomed to call one
another liar and scoundrel, from words to proceed to blows, and often
have a mill before the chair of Mr. Speaker. Suppose they were in
the habit of caning each other, and pelting one another with brickbats in
Regent Street and Piccadilly, occasionally exchanging pistol-shots for
variety. Suppose they were habitual nightly frequenters of the worst
dens about the Haymarket, and ever roaring, brawling, and getting
drunk in pothouses and ginshops. Suppose the difference between
their average and the generality of convicts chiefly consisted in
exemption from hard labour. Suppose that, whatever were the
political differences of parties in the House, they all agreed in being
corrupt, and consisting of rascals and blackguards. What would the
British Parliament then resemble ? It would resemble the American
Congress, according to the description given of that legislative
assembly by the New York Herald. And what, in that case, should we
call British representative government ? We 'should call it Govern-
ment by the Worst.

Now, as the American Constitution is the model constitution of
| Mr. Bright, and it is well to call things by their right names, and
since analogy should be observed in nomenclature, and Aristocracy
properly means Government by the Best, the House of Commons,
reformed after Mr. Bright's pattern, might perhaps be rightly
denominated, in one word, a Cacistocracy. Will Mr. Bright accept
that term for his party, go ahead of mere democracy, name as well as
tiling, and declare himself a Cacistocrat ?

A National Characteristic—England is the country, of all
others, where the greatest readiness is displayed in raising the needful
to raise the needy.—A Proud Briton.

FINE IDEAS.

Writing from Stockholm, a correspondent of the Daily News begs
its readers to " take notice " that—

" The fines dictated by the Swedish statutes for cruelty to human beings, and
which are at this moment in full vigour, are as follows :—For a foot chopped or struck
off, 25 dollars banco (a Swedish dollar banco is Is. 8d. sterling); an ancle, 25 dollars
banco; a toe, 8 dollars banco ; an arm, 10 d. b. :a leg, 10 d. b. ; a nose, 40 d. b. ; a.
hand, 40 d. b. ; an ear, 40 d. b.; a thumb, 25 d. b. ; a forefinger, 17 d. b, ; an eye,
40 d. b. ; if the eye is of enamel or glass (incredible, but true !) 60 d. b. ; a broken
head, 10 d. b. ; a tooth knocked out, 6 d. b. ; small wounds, each 1 d. b. ; a box on
the ear, J d. b. The sufferer must not be a member of the Storthing (or Parliament),
at least during the Session, as any such attack at that period, and in the city of
Stockholm, is considered as high treason, and punishable as such."

As we in England are requested to " take notice " of the paragraph,
we presume the law of Sweden would affect us if we went there; and
that whatever injuries our persons might sustain, would be valued
according to the tariff above quoted. If this be so, the Swedish law
is not without some moment to us ; and it comes within our province
to vote for its amendment. We are at present well content to have
our residence in England, bad as are the dinners which the Times tells
us we get here._ But should anything turn up to make us live among
the Swedes, it is as well we know the price which they will set upon
our heads, in case we are unfortunate enough to get them broken
there. We must confess, however, that the passage we have cited is
based upon a notion of comparative anatomy, which, if we happened to
be hurt, we should certainly protest against. We would not take ten
shillings to have one of our teeth knocked out, nor would we have our
ears boxed for so small a sum as eightpence, unless the boxer were a
female, and the loveliest as well as lightest-handed of her sex. That a
glass eye should be_ valued more highly than a real one appears to us to
be an optical delusion, and why an arm may be cut off for a fine of but
ten dollars, while a hand is priced precisely at four times that amount,
is a puzzle winch to English brains is quite incomprehensible, clear as
it may seem to the turnip-headed Swedes. If one's arm be "chopped
or struck off," one's hand must needs go with it: yet for the greater
injury, the less fine is imposed, which in whatever light we view it
seems to us an imposition.

The law making it high treason to hurt members of the Storthing,
shows us in what reverence the Swedes hold their M.P.s, and how far
advanced in that respect they are before the English. But much as
you may praise it, oh ! be thankful, fellow-countrymen, that no such law
is yours; else, think what a calamity would long since have befallen
you. The nation would ere this have been in mourning for its Punch t
for if it were high treason to make cuts at our M.P.s, Punch would
long ere this have paid the penalty for doing so.

" SWALLOW, SWALLOW, FLYING SOUTH."

Advice which it is impossible to follow is simply a mockery. The
above recommendation has been made to Mr. Punch, no doubt in the
most delightful manner, but having experimented, that gentleman
declares himself unable to avail himself of it.

He would have been glad to do so, too, in regard to a reason.

Lately, he had to advert to the conduct of one Oun stock-
broker, who, being entrusted with the fortune, some £5000, of a young
lady named Caroline Adelaide Dance, did feloniously apply the
same to his own use, and now lies under sentence of transportation,
being retained in England only while bankruptcy investigation endea-
vours to ascertain whether anything that has come under his hands has
escaped his wicked greed. It appears that the lady, thus plundered
of nearly her all, has not sat down to bewail herself, neither has she
taken the next step usual in such cases, of casting herself upon the
hands of others, having something in her own hands, or rather fingers,,
that enables her to preserve her independence. She has musical gifts,
improved by cultivation; and these, which were to have been the
amusement of her leisure are now to be the support of her home and.
that of her nearest and dearest relative. Miss Dance has composed
songs, and the Musical World (which is an oracle in its own sphere),
declares them to be full of sweet and serious thought, and altogether
excellent.

Mr. Punch applauds the young lady's spirit, and wishes her all suc-
cess. But the above title of her last song, charming as the music is,
gives counsel which he repeats, he cannot follow. The only way m
which he flies south is by an express on the Brighton line, and this
train stops nowhere to enable him to swallow ; and if he tries to swal-
low from a pocket flask, the motion of the tram makes him spill the
Cognac all over the front of his shirt. That the words are Alfred
Tennyson's only shows how unpractical are poets. Mr. Punch cannot
swallow, flying south.

very bad livers.

Q. What did the East India Company die of?
A. Indi(a)-gestioni'