Punch: Punch (36.1859)

92

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 5, 1859.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

^ ebruary 21, Monday. Earl
Grey, who, by right of des-
cent, ought to have some-
thing to do with the Reform
question, but has not, is very
restless just now, and _ is
rolling his tub about, like
Diogenes, rather than be
doing nothing. The House
of Lords was brought to-
gether this afternoon only
that Lord Derby might
make a long and humble
appeal to Lord Grey not to
stir the Ionian business until
Mr. Gladstone's return,
and it took two speeches
from Derby and one from
Brougham, to prevent
Grey's bringing on the
matter in the absence of the
man who alone can fully
explain it. The great Phil-
hellene was stated to be en
route for England, and we
also know that the Ionians
have utterly rejected his
plans for their welfare. A
little Greek boy, who sells
oranges near the Royal Exchange, neatly remarked to Mr. Punch the
other dav, that the" "wordy" Gladstone would not do for the
islanders,'in fact King Log os was useless, so King Storks was a
necessary consequence. Mr. Punch rewarded the subtlety of the youth
with a drachma.

Codrington and Salomons, Members for Woolwich, moved the
second reading of a Bill for preventing that most flagrantly unfragrant
place from being drained under the New Metropolitan Act. The
House, instigated by Tite, made short work of so^ preposterous a
proposition. One Jonathan Richardson, an Irish linendraper,
thought it was his duty to call upon Her Majesty and her people to
return thanks for the suppression of the revolt in India. Lord
Stanley said he thought we might as well wait until the revolt was
suppressed, and Lord Derby gave an answer similar to his son's in
purport, but much more ample and impressive in manner, to the Duke
or Marlborough, who, never having gained any victories himself,
wishes to be thankful for those of other people. He thinks he should
do something, in return for Blenheim and the pension.

Sir Edwin Landseer was stated to be busy on the Lions for
Trafalgar Square, but Lord John Manners could not say whether
the fountains were to continue there. Mr. Punch observes that they
throw up hot water (supposed by the public to be the waste from
St. Martin's Baths); and he suggests that soap and towels might be
supplied at the basins, under proper regulations. Mr. Walpole, in
answer to Mr. Du:n combe, said that the law officers of the Crown
had reason to bebeve that Smitlmeld had reverted to Her Majesty,
and was no longer the property of the City. This is excellent news ;
and Mr. Punch only hopes that Kelly and Cairns, or rather, the
learned gentlemen who do the work of which the leaders make show,
will be able to sustain their law.

That same Mr. "Walpole then Drought in a Bill for settling the
Church-rate question. His plan is, to let the owners of land formally
charge it with Church-rates in perpetuity, and when the amount, with
the aid of voluntary subscriptions, shad be enough for the purposes of
any given parish the Queen is to be enabled to abobsh the present Rate
in that parish. He also proposes to relieve Dissenters, on their simply
signing a paper stating their conscientious objections to the rate.
Lord John Russell thought the plan opposed to the national
character of the Church of England. Sir John Trelawney has a
Bill of his own, and gave notice that he should try to defeat that of
Mr. Walpole. What the plan really comes to is this—

" If you like a Church-rate,
You may fork it out straight :
If you like to dissent,
You may pay it as rent."

Tuesday. The Pre-payment of the Letters question came up again,
and the Duke op Argyll made a speech against the new rule. He
did not accuse the Postmaster of the vulgarity of wanting to look into
other people's correspondence, and said, indeed, that however fond
■Colchester might be of opening the oysters which gave him his
iamily title, the Duke did not charge lam with any hankerin? for
opening the letters which give him his official one. But the Duke
objected to the new arrangement; and, finally, the Postmaster said
that he would rescind the rule. Lord Campbell said that he was

always receiving unpaid letters from "insane persons and suitors
in his court" (in more than one case, we should call this tautology, but
not in John's, who serves out very good justice, and is civil to respect-
able customers), who, seeing the writs bore his name, deemed it polite
to send their answers to Stratheden House. The rule is rescinded; but
Mr. Punch begs to give notice that he takes in no unpaid letter what-
ever, inasmuch as writing to him is a solemn and awful business, which
no person should presume to undertake in a hurry, or without several
weeks of study and consideration, during which time stamps can
also be bought.

Lord Palmerston gave notice that he meant to ask the Govern-
ment whether war was going to break out. This simple announcement
caused an enormous sensation, and the Ministry began to see glimpses
of hope of excuses for discussions which woidd cause delays in other
discussions, and thus push back further discussions—in a word, that
the Reform Bill might not be an absolute necessity after all.

Conversation arose on Education, and complaint was made that the
Government Inspectors of Schools, instead of reporting briefly and to
the point, sent enormous treatises on educational subjects, giving an
account of every school that had ever existed, and every boy that had
been in it, and whether he had been birched or caned (with tabulated
statement of the whacks), and how he had turned out in after-life, and
so forth. Lord Palmerston advised Government to cut the matter
very short; to order the Inspectors to report like men of business, and
if they did not, to discharge them. We dare say these ingenious
essayists will think the suggestion very coarse, but life is too short for
essays.

Last year a Bill was passed prohibiting any but rich people from
coming into Parbament. The machinery of exclusion was the per-
mitting voters' travelling expenses to be paid by a candidate. Mr.
Collier brought in a Bill for undoing that pleasant arrangement, but
both the Home Secretary and Lord Palmebston opposed him.

Wednesday. There are in Ireland some things called Manor Courts,
which a Shakspearian Jester (or any other donkey) would probably
say were so called from their bad manners. In one of them bribery is
stated to carry the day for a suitor, and probably the Courts, like
Society, are divided into two portions, those who have been found out,
and those wdio have not. The Irish Manor Courts are to be abobshed
by Mr. Whiteside, who sees their black side.

Thursday. Lord Brougham introduced a Bid allowing prisoners to
be examined, on oath, if they wish it. Lord Campbell said he viewed
the innovation with alarm, and Lord Brougham retorted that this
was a view hollow.

In pursuance of a bright idea, Pakington declared that if there
were a debate on Foreign topics, he shoidd not brnig on the Naval
Estimates on Eriday, as proposed, and then Mr. Disraeli could not
bring on Reform on Monday. Pam winked, and said that Pakington
need not frighten himself, and added, in plain terms, that Government
wanted an excuse for delaying Reform.

The celebrated Cathode oath, which was held to be the safeguard of
the Constitution, is to be overhauled, the Roman Catholics, according
to Mr. J. G. Eitzgerald, having found out that it is insulting He
beat the Government, and carried his prebminary motions; but it
is dubious whether the Lords will permit the abolition of an oath
which gives comfort to an immense number of old women of both
sexes.

Friday. Earl Grey at work again. He has got a notion, in which
there is a good deal of truth, that the last changes in the municipal
franchise have thrown the government of our towns, in a great
measure, into the hands of Bumbles and boobies; and he moved for
some returns to enable him to establish the fact. Anybody who has
had to deal -with the "municipals" in reference to local improvements
of any kind, can tell the Earl more than any returns can. Lord
Brougham took an opportunity of saying {obiter) that he hoped he
should not survive the British Constitution. We hope he will not,
though we wish the noble old boy many happy years to come.

Mr. S. Eitzgerald, for Government, was perfectly rude in
answering Mr. Monckton Milnes about an objectionable appoint-
ment in Japan. Mr. Milnes deserves plaudit for showmg up the
mistake.

Then came the grand event of the week :

" Pray, tell us," says Pam, " are folks going to fight ? "
" An contraire," replies Dizzy, "we hope it's all right;
Both armies, the Austrian and Erench, wdl go home,
And his Holiness, Pio, stand solus, in Rome.
And we've sent off an envoy so grave and so owley,
On a mission of peace to Vienna—old Cowley."

This news happified the House. Shrewd Johnny Russell hoped that
the armies, once out, would keep out,—a speech in which, probably,
lies a key to a good deal that will happen. But so the matter was left,
and First Lord Pakington had to bring on his Naval Estimates. We
are to have twenty-six new men-of-war. (Cheers from Mr. Punch?) Sir
John asked for and received 62,400 men and boys, and £2,487,062 in
money. {More cheers from Mr. Punch.)