Punch (37.1859)

July 30, 1859.J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

M

“ Do not, 0 brethren, do not let us borrow,

Q let a loan alone, 0 do not go

For money, either, unto Spotty William,

More popularly called Exchequer Bill.

There’s time enough for that. We will not pledge
The credit of our children, pretty pets.

Whether from silver spoons they lap rich cream,

(Tending to bile) or, grubbing in the gutter,

They suck rejected cabbage-stalks, alike
They ’re our posterity, and we ’ll not mortgage.

Remorseless, their inheritance and labour.

“ Shall we tax malt yet more ? It would not pay.

Or spirits F ’Twould create a smuggling trade.

Or tea and sugar ? Trade, and the consumer,

Were both the sufferers, and.we’ve made, beside,

A bargain on this subject which we ’ll keep.

No, as Virginias says, ‘No way but this’—

I TEAK WE MUST AUGMENT THE INCOME-TAX.”

He would not note the shudder which went round,

But eager in his eloquence spoke on.

_j “ There is a credit which the maltsters take

In paying duty—we ’ll deny them that
(Allowing certain discount in return).

Nor let the maltworms wriggle out of sight,

But pay at sight, like any other folk.

So I can collar almost on the instant
i A sum that’s near £800,000;

Then my Deficiency, you see, comes down
To just Four Millions. Now, I tell you what,

At present we pay Five Pence in the Pound
Upon our Incomes. We ’ll pay Four Pence more.

All have desired the tax were laid more nicely,

In future it shall be as nice as Ninepence.”

He gave the blow, but ere they well could feel it,

Followed it up with one more cruel yet.

“ I must have*money now. I cannot wait.

The word must be—fork out upon the nail:

Upon the very first half-yearly payment

I’ll charge the whole year’s Fourpence, which I add,

To twopence halfpenny already due,

And the next time that the Taxgatherer comes
With his ill-omened face, John Bull must pay
As if the tax were Sixpence halfpenny
In every pound he earns by sweat of brow,

Or takes from bank, or from his father’s land.

Adjustment is of course impossible.

But those whose income is exceeding small,

Under One Fifty, but above One Hundred,

Shall pay three halfpence only. I have done.

Let my Four Millions be at once made up,

I trust vour loyalty and patriotism
And to herself that England will be true.”

“ O Masters, do you love my tender Tax?”

This little exercise having in some degree relieved Mr. Punch's
mind, he reverts to his usual but inimitable prose, and proceeds to
record that in the House of Lords on the above night, viz.

July 18. Monday, Lord Malmesbury found great fault with a
letter Lord John Russell had been writing to the Prussian govern-
ment, warning it against going to war. Lord Wodehouse defended
his chief, and declared the despatch to be a precious deal better than
anything Malmesbury had done; and Newcastle and Granville, as
•colleagues of Lord John’s, cried out, “ Of course it is ! ” There is,
■however, no of course in the matter, some of Malmesbury’s late
•despatches having been very tidy, and Johnny being by no means a
■Complete Letter Writer. The Commons, as has been said, had the
Budget; and not much was said beyond a general grumbling accept-
ance of the scheme,—a reception which the polite and grateful
■Gladstone called “ generous.”

Tuesday. Sensible observations by divers Lords on the necessity of
■our having telegraphic communication with all our Queen’s posses-
sions. Granville mentioned that the Gibraltar wire would not be
laid until next year. The Queen recognises Hospodar Couza, of the
Principalities,—a piece of information which is not so unimportant as
it may appear to the ignorant. The Public Health Bill had rather a
near squeak, for it (sycophants of vestries canting against “ centrali-
sation,” as if Bumbles were to be trusted when a sudden epidemic
comes), but was carried by 101 to 95. It is to arm Government with
powers in the event of an emergency. A discussion as to how many
soldiers ought to be kept in India, was ended by its being unanimously
agreed that nobody could know. Mr. Forster wanted Parliament to
ask the Queen to assemble it in the winter instead of the summer, but

Lord Palmerston got almost into earnest in protesting agamst such
interference with shooting and Christmas, and by 121 to 18 the notion
was scouted. Mr. Baines failed in convincing the Home Secretary
that everybody ought to be allowed to print the State version of the
Holy Scriptures; and considering the extreme beauty, accuracy, and
cheapness of the innumerable editions of The Book, and the importance,
while a particular version is authorised, of preserving exact uniformity
of text, Mr. Baines’s grievance may be pronounced visionary.

Wednesday. A certain Scottish Kirk-rate received considerable damage.

A Weights and Measures Bill was read a second time ; it is to do away
with local bushels, and establish imperial dittoes. Mr. Cowper with-
drew his Bill against the hideous Hyde Park Corner lamp, but promised
a great Bill to knock down all lamps of a fantastic character. Mr.
Edwin James, in a debate on a Criminal Bill, repeated a good story
about the way certain attorneys get rich,—namely, by making their
prisoner-clients . assign to them their goods, and then taking care to I
have the said clients hanged or transported. Vivat lex !

Thursday. Rather a good debate on the Budget, Mr. Disraeli
making a great speech in his own honour, and proposing that the new
Income-Tax should be spread over the year. Thereon, Mr. Glad-
stone, who had previously been highly polite to his predecessor,
walked into him like fun, and explained in the frankest and most
candid manner that Mr. Disraeli knew nothing about anything.
Mr. Bright abused everybody, especially the Press, in a Peace speech;
and Lords John Russell and Palmerston made ridiculous protests
against the newspapers saying that our enormous armaments were to
protect us against possible invasion by Louis Napoleon. Now, what
is the good of sensible men talking such twaddle ? And who is going
to.be silenced? Not Mr. Punch, for one. Look at his Big Cut in
this very Number. Now then! Mr. Gladstone’s Budget was
accepted; and so Paterfamilias, with a lot of extra tax to pay, [
had better begin to consider how he can best cut down the expenses
of his family, without any self-denial or inconvenience to himself j
personally.

Friday. An Education Bill was objected to by certain admirers of
Voluntaryism, who base their objection to national grants, or inter-
ference, upon the notorious fact that every child in England is regu-
larly sent to school by its parents. However, there are bigots who
will not admit this, and not only insist upon grants in aid of schools,
but allege that there are parents who neglect to send their children to
them, and ought to be punished for that wrong to society. Unhappily,
too, that tyrannical notion is gaining ground; and it was only the j
other day that three parents, earning large wages, were wickedly com-
pelled to fulfil promises to pay something towards the support of their
children in a Reformatory. And this is called a free country, where a
man may not bring up his child in ignorance and vice if he likes!
Thanks, Mr. Punch's warmest thanks, to Messrs. Baines, Hadfield,
and others, who deny the right of society to interfere between parent :
and child. Such noble patriots shall never lack any recognition
Mr. Punch can make of their worthiness.

LITERATURE FOR LADIES.

Although, in common with all editors, we are supposed to be pos- j
sessed of almost universal knowledge, we are at a loss to know who
wrote the following advertisement, which was conspicuously printed
in (he Times of Thursday week. Clearly it could never have been
written by a gentleman, and as certainly, we think, no lady could have
penned it

T'O AMATEUR LITERARY LADIES.—Females of good education,

A are invited to JOIN A COMPOSITION SOCIETY. No remuneration offered,
and no expense incurred. Address-.

Attractive as the first four words of this advertisement may be, we
think their influence must be greatly weakened by the fifth. It is all
very well to say that no expense will be incurred: but no well edu-
cated lady would accept an invitation to appear in a Society, at the
cost upon her entrance of being called a “female.” From the know-
ledge of her dictionary which her “good education” would probably
have given her, she would know that the word “female” is no synonym
for “lady.” The term “lady” is applied exclusively to women, and
it is not every woman who has properly a claim to it. The word
“ female ” may, however, be applied to other animals; and to call
women “ females ” is to speak of them as part of the inferior brute
creation. Fine ladies think it vulgar to be spoken of as “ women: ” I
but they had better be called this than bear a synonym with “crea-
tures,” and have a word applied to them which perhaps may leave it
doubtful if they be not even cats.

THE ILLUMINATED PILLAR AT APSLEY HOUSE.

They say that this beautiful work of art—acknowledged by all to be
one of the most shining lights of the age—is the proposed testimonial
to Mr. Charles Kean.