Punch (37.1859)

!

October 15, 1859.]

159

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PAUL-PRYISM AT THE POST-OFFICE.

The question, Who’d be an employe in the Post-Office at Liverpool ?
will probably suggest itself to the reflective reader, on perusal of the
dozen interrogatories following, which the Postmaster of Liverpool,

“ acting on his own authority alone,” has (the Daily News informs us)
lately “judged it expedient” to put to his “subordinates,” but also
fellow-servants:—

' “ P. O., Liverpool, Aug. 24.

1 “ For Mr.-, who I request will carefully answer the following questions, for

the information of the Postmaster-General

“ 1. Where do you reside?

“ 2. What rent do you pay ? what taxes ?

“ 3. Do you pay the rent quarterly, monthly, or weekly ?

“4. Have you any income beside that received in your official capacity, here, or
do you carry on or share profits in any kind of business. If so, state particulars ?

“5. What family have you? If you have any children state their ages, and
whether any of them is in employment; and if so, the wages received, and by
whom employed ?

“ 6. Did your expenditure for the year ended 31st July last exceed your income ?
If so, what amount?

“ 7. State as nearly as you can the principal items of expenditure, and what
caused the excess ?

“ 8. State the amount of your debts, and to whom they are owing?
i " 9. From whom have you borrowed money during the last two years ? When
did you borrow it, and has any portion of it been repaid ? Have you undertaken to
repay debts by weekly instalments or otherwise ?

"10. Have you lent money to any person in this office? If so, state his name,

! the amount, and when the transaction occurred; also, whether such money or any
portion of it, has been repaid ?

“ 11. Are you a bondsman for any person (whether connected with this office or
not) who has borrowed money from a loan society ? If so, state his name, address,
the sum you are surety for, and when the loan was contracted; also the name of
the Society from which the loan was obtained?

“ 12. State the circumstances fully which led to your present pecuniary embar-
rassment?”

Inquisitive as these inquiries may appear, to our mind they are not
half Paul-Prying enough. The object being, of course, to ascertain the
social character and habits of the clerk, we should recommend the
putting of such questions as the following, which the Postmaster of
Liverpool, or any other place, when he fancies it “ expedient,” is at
liberty to use:—

“ What expensive tastes have you ? Are you fond of periwinkles ?
Do you indulge in tea and shrimps, or sport mauve ties on Sundays ?
Have you ever bought cigars at higher price than three a penny ? If
so, state how long you contrive to make them last.

“Do you wear bluchers or highlows? Do you buy them second-
hand ? and how much do you give for them ? Corduroys arc cheap :
have you ever tried them ? When late in going to office, do you ever
hire a cab ? If so, how much shoe-leather do you conceive it saves
you ?

“ What was your wife’s character and name before you married her ?
State how old she called herself; and, as near as you can guess, state
what her age now really is. Can she cook a mutton chop, or boil a
cabbage, without spoiling it ? How much do you allow her yearly for
her pin-money ? What colour are her eyes ? If she has red hair, state ■
what dye she uses.

“ How do you spend your Sundays ? Do you ever go to Church ?
For how long a time can you listen to a sermon without being sent to
j sleep by it P

“ W hat drink do you affect ? Do you like beer neat, or prefer a go
of gin in it ? How many half pints do you consume per diem, and how
many nights a-week do you retire without a ‘ nightcap ? ’

“Have you got a latch-key ? And if you stay out after twelve, does
your wife always sit up for you ?

“ Do you keep a servant ? and if so, how can you afford it ? And
would it not be wiser if you made the beds yourself, and your wife did
all the housework ?

“Are your children bandy-legged ? Do any of them squint? Have
they all good appetites? When they are all at home, how long, on the
average, does a leg of mutton last you ? When your wife has a new
baby, does she ever make you get up in the night and rock the cradle ?
State what are your Night Thoughts upon such occasions, and whether
the loss of sleep does not next day make you drowsy, and unfit you
for your duties.

“ What are your favourite pleasures ? Have you ever seen the
Derby, a man hung, or a prize-fight ? State which j ou prefer, and give
-j your reasons for your preference.

“Do you know a serious family ? Does your wife keep a missionary
box? Did you ever read a tract? State how many you would back
yourself to get through in a fortnight, supposing you’d a pipe and a
glass of grog to help you.

“ How do you spend your evenings ? Are you fond of skittles ? Can
you sing a comic song, play a rubber, or the flute ? What is the largest
sum you have ever lost at loo ? and have you ever in your life played it
without losing ?

“What books do you read? And do you ‘ keep a book ? ’ If so,
mention how you stand for the next Newmarket Meeting. Do you
buy Punch every week, or content yourself with borrowing it? Have
you read Fistiana? Do you know the writer? Have you ever hob-

nobbed with the man who does the ‘ fancy ’ business for Bell's Life ?

If you chanced to meet Tom Sayers, would you not consider it an
honour to shake hands with him ?

“ Have you ever, when in London, spent an evening at Cremorne ?
and if so, state how much it cost you, and did you leave before the
fireworks ?

“ So far as you have heard, is your family respectable ? Have any of ;
your relatives been ever tried for shop-lifting, or for committing high-
way robbery, burglary, or murder ? Have you ever felt your fingers
itch to rob a till, or pick a pocket; and do you think that forgery at all j
runs in your family ?

“ Were you ever drunk ? If so, state how many times, as far as you
can count them; and give an estimate of what you drank on each
occasion.

“ Did you ever steal a knocker, or bonnet a policeman, or clamber
up a lamp-post, or pass the night at Bow Street ?

“ How long do your hats last ? Do you keep a cat ? And has
your mother sold her mangle?”

A RUB TOR A RAILWAY.

When Parliament is up one sees strange things in the papers. Here
for instance, is a specimen, which we copy from the Times of about a
fortnight since

“A Railway Train Stopped by Mushrooms.—‘I was travelling last week,
writes a Correspondent of the Durham Advertiser, ‘by a railway on tiie English side
of the borders of South Wales, when we happened to pass a field strown with a moist
luxuriant growth of mushrooms. I had hardly remarked the circumstance to my '

companion when we felt the tiain suddenly stop, and looking out to the fiont we I

saw, to our astonishment, the driver jump off the engine, vault the fence, and pro-
ceed to fill his hat with the treasure. In a moment the guard was over the fence ■
following his example, which, as may be supposed, wTas infectious, for in less than
half a minute every doer was thrown open and the field covered with the passengers,
every one of whom brought back a pretty good hatfull. Not till this desirable
result was attained did we proceed on our journey, some of us wondering whether
we had been dreaming, and whether, iustcad of the Welsh borderland, we were not
travelling by some newly constructed forest line in the far west of America. We
begged the guard, who did not seem quite comfortable about the joke, to have the
place entered for the future in his line of route as ‘ The Mushroom Station. ”

It certainly sounds strange to bear of the stoppage of a railway train by
mushrooms; but, had the incident occurred upon the Eastern Counties
Railway, we assuredly should not have felt so much surprised at it.
The trains upon that line travel so like snails, that the least thing in
the world would suffice to check their progress. Were an Eastern
Counties engine-driver to pull up an express, that he might go and.
catch a butterfly, or to stop a special train that he might get a pint of
beer, or try and find a sixpence that he happened to have dropped, we
should view it as an every day and ordinary occurrence. Punctuality
and speed are so very little studied on the Eastern Counties Railway, that
we question if the guard would condescend to make a note of so trivial
a matter as the delay of half an hour or so in the arrival of a train.
Indeed, supposing that a stoker chose to go and gather blackberries, or
to fly a kite, or play a game of marbles with the driver, we doubt if the
Directors, were the matter brought before them, would take the pains
to haul him over his own coals.

Singular Phenomenon in the City.—Last week, in the Bank-
ruptcy Court, a Bankrupt “left the Court without the smallest stain
upon his character.” The phenomenon, we are told, is to be exhibited
at a shilling a-head.