DOI Heft:
August 20, 1864
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16874#0081
August 20, 1864.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
73
GRAND HOTELS,
AND THE MUCH-ADO-ABOUT-NOTHING SYSTEM.
Vast improvement has
been lately introduced
in the budding of our
Large Hotels. New
systems of Management
are being tried at some
of the Grandest of the
Grand Hotels. The
following Rules appear
to be in experimental
working at the mag-
nificent establishment
recently erected, on one
of the most command-
ing sites, opposite the
fashionable parade of
London-super-Mare:—
Rule 1.—For keeping
the accounts clear, and
preventing either confu-
sion on the part of the
waiters, or disappoint-
ment to the customer;
and, further, for promo-
ting civility in the serv-
ants of the House.
Frohahle Hypothesis;
the customer gives an
order to the waiter, in
the Coffee Room. If
this waiter be not the
waiter officially author-
ised to receive such
order, then this waiter
must inform the said
customer, that he ought
to address himself to
another waiter, at the
same time expressing
his deep regret that he
is prevented, by exist-
ing regulations, from personally attending to the gentleman’s wants.
Hereupon, if there be tune, he may apply his napkin to his eye, inti-
mating thereby that he is affected even unto tears. He may then,
unless otherwise engaged at his own special table, proceed in search
of the required waiter.
Rule 2.—When the customer gives his order to the right waiter in
the right place. The waiter so addressed shall say, “ Yes, Sir,” slowly
and distinctly, shall not move any glasses from any table for no particu-
lar purpose, shall not dust a clean table-cloth with his napkin, nor shall
he go to the side-board for the sake of touching the green glass con-
taining toothpicks, whence ordinary waiters generally appear to derive
fresh strength and energy, as did Some-one-mus from his native earth;
but, eschewing such unnecessary trifling, shall at once proceed on his
mission in the manner following:—
Given. The order for a glass of sherry and soda-water.
Observe. Here be two ingredients for the one drink, and several
things required.
First, Sherry. Secondly, A glass wherein to put it. Thirdly, A
decent silver salver whereon to hand it. Fourthly, A bottle of soda-
water. Fifthly, A large tumbler. Sixthly, A knife. Seventhly, A
corkscrew (perhaps). Eighthly, A tray whereon to carry these last
Fully impressed with the magnitude of this commission, the waiter
will walk thoughtfully to a corner of the room, where—
Rule 3 —Shall be seated one matronly personage, attended by a
damsel, whose joint business it shall be to receive the orders from the
waiter, enter them in a book, and take the waiter’s number before he
leaves the room. (This plan has been adapted from that in use at the
Railway Stations applied to cab-drivers. The Committee of the New
Grand Hotel are not above talcing a hint) It shall be the business of
the damsel to prevent the matron from making wrong entries; and the
matron shall keep a vigilant eye upon the movements of the damsel.
Rule 4. - Having seen that his surname, Christian name, number,
and order, have been duly registered in the abovementioned book, the
waiter shall then walk to a glass door, behind which shall be seated
three clerks, to whom he shall communicate the wishes of the customer.
One of these clerks shall enter the order in a large book, supervised by
the two other clerks, who shall look over his shoulder; second clerk
shall then enter it in a larger book, while the other two look over his
shoulder, and so on with the third. During this time, the waiter shall
look over his own shoulder; the left shoulder. He shall then receive a
cheque for the sherry to the amount required; i.e., one glass.
Rule 5.—The waiter shall then proceed to another glass door, where,
after a similar ceremony, he shall receive another cheque for soda-water.
(This prevents all confusion.)
Rule 6.—He shall then get the order stamped by the maid at the
bar; get the barmaid’s stamp ratified by the head-waiter; get the head-
waiter’s ratification of the barmaid’s stamp endorsed by the sub-manager;
the sub-manager’s endorsement warranted by the manager up one
flight of stairs; the warranty of the manager up one flight of stairs,
approved of by the assistant-under-secretary on the third landing; the
assistant-under-secretary’s approval of the manager’s warranty signed
by the under-secretary, third flight; such signature witnessed by the
secretary; the secretary’s signature countersigned by the resident-
director top story, who shall telegraph particulars to the committee;
then come down-stairs, with the copy of the telegram of particulars
and the order-cheque, containing the resident-director’s counter-sig-
nature to the secretary’s signature to the under-secretary’s third
flight approval of the assistant-under-secret.ary’s signature to the
managers up one flight of stairs warranty of the sub-manager’s en-
dorsement of the head-waiter’s ratification to the barmaid’s stamp to
the cheque that the registered waiter had procured from one of the
clerks behind the glass door in the Coffee Room.
He shall then proceed to fetch the sherry.
Rule 7.—The above will be carefully repeated for the Soda-water.
Rule 8.—The barmaid shall then apply to the uuder-cellarman, who
shall inform the cellarman, who shall notify the same to the master-
cellarman, who shall depute the sub-under-cellarman to give the bar-
maid the required sherry.
Rule 9.—So also for the soda-water ; application to be made to the
refrigerator-man, and so forth.
Rule 10.—The waiter shall procure another waiter to assist him in
bringing in the sherry on its salver, the soda-water on its tray, and the
under-porter to open the Coffee Room door.
Rule 11. (appended hereunto by the public) Having found the sherry
and soda-water, the waiter will now proceed to find—-the customer.
PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG.
THE MEDICAL ASSISTANT.
I Know I mind the Surgery bell, and roll the frequent pills,
I know I draw the paupers’ teeth, and cure their coughs with squills ;
While she—a banker’s only child (J. P., D L., Esquire),
Is belle at all the County balls, and beauty of the shire,
The diagnosis of my case the sympathetic know.
That counter-irritant, the boy, has probed it long ago;
He sees the flush, the start, the stare, when she goes riding by,
And grins the while he idly spreads the lively Spanish fly.
Good bye to “ Watson ” when the eye a sight of some one gets—
The merest glimpse of Bella’s nose nosology upsets •
Or if dispensing and 1 hear her piebalds from the Park—
The cooling lotions I neglect her lineaments to mark.
I ’ll go to Guy’s, I ’ll carve my way to surgical renown,
I’ll live on pulse till I’m the boast of my natal market-town ;
And in this local print.—How now ! some water, I’m unwell—
The palpitation at my heart no stethescope can tell!
“ Match in High Life—on the tapis—and to come off in May,
’Twixtthe lovely and accomplished Miss B. Blank and Genebal J.”
’Tis well that boy is in the town delivering pills and doses,
Just let him mind his eye ! I’m mad. He might get ecchymosis !
Farewell the hope each Sunday brought that passing down the aisle.
She might vouchsafe to gladden me with one phlogistic smile;
Farewell the dream, that sitting by the Surgery fire was bliss,
Of one day giving her the sweet emulsion of a kiss.
There is no salve on all the shelves can mitigate my smart;
Not all the College can reduce a fracture ol the heart!
As so my Donna Bella’s going to become another’s wife,
Come, Belladonna, berry dear, and ease me of my life.
Theatrical.
An Energetic Provincial Manager advertises an Operatic, as well as
a Dramatic and Ballet Company. He intends that this shall be, he
says, a “ Treble Company.” Surely he will have some difficulty in
getting Operas specially composed for a Treble Company. Where’s
the Bass ?
Vol. 47.
3—2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
73
GRAND HOTELS,
AND THE MUCH-ADO-ABOUT-NOTHING SYSTEM.
Vast improvement has
been lately introduced
in the budding of our
Large Hotels. New
systems of Management
are being tried at some
of the Grandest of the
Grand Hotels. The
following Rules appear
to be in experimental
working at the mag-
nificent establishment
recently erected, on one
of the most command-
ing sites, opposite the
fashionable parade of
London-super-Mare:—
Rule 1.—For keeping
the accounts clear, and
preventing either confu-
sion on the part of the
waiters, or disappoint-
ment to the customer;
and, further, for promo-
ting civility in the serv-
ants of the House.
Frohahle Hypothesis;
the customer gives an
order to the waiter, in
the Coffee Room. If
this waiter be not the
waiter officially author-
ised to receive such
order, then this waiter
must inform the said
customer, that he ought
to address himself to
another waiter, at the
same time expressing
his deep regret that he
is prevented, by exist-
ing regulations, from personally attending to the gentleman’s wants.
Hereupon, if there be tune, he may apply his napkin to his eye, inti-
mating thereby that he is affected even unto tears. He may then,
unless otherwise engaged at his own special table, proceed in search
of the required waiter.
Rule 2.—When the customer gives his order to the right waiter in
the right place. The waiter so addressed shall say, “ Yes, Sir,” slowly
and distinctly, shall not move any glasses from any table for no particu-
lar purpose, shall not dust a clean table-cloth with his napkin, nor shall
he go to the side-board for the sake of touching the green glass con-
taining toothpicks, whence ordinary waiters generally appear to derive
fresh strength and energy, as did Some-one-mus from his native earth;
but, eschewing such unnecessary trifling, shall at once proceed on his
mission in the manner following:—
Given. The order for a glass of sherry and soda-water.
Observe. Here be two ingredients for the one drink, and several
things required.
First, Sherry. Secondly, A glass wherein to put it. Thirdly, A
decent silver salver whereon to hand it. Fourthly, A bottle of soda-
water. Fifthly, A large tumbler. Sixthly, A knife. Seventhly, A
corkscrew (perhaps). Eighthly, A tray whereon to carry these last
Fully impressed with the magnitude of this commission, the waiter
will walk thoughtfully to a corner of the room, where—
Rule 3 —Shall be seated one matronly personage, attended by a
damsel, whose joint business it shall be to receive the orders from the
waiter, enter them in a book, and take the waiter’s number before he
leaves the room. (This plan has been adapted from that in use at the
Railway Stations applied to cab-drivers. The Committee of the New
Grand Hotel are not above talcing a hint) It shall be the business of
the damsel to prevent the matron from making wrong entries; and the
matron shall keep a vigilant eye upon the movements of the damsel.
Rule 4. - Having seen that his surname, Christian name, number,
and order, have been duly registered in the abovementioned book, the
waiter shall then walk to a glass door, behind which shall be seated
three clerks, to whom he shall communicate the wishes of the customer.
One of these clerks shall enter the order in a large book, supervised by
the two other clerks, who shall look over his shoulder; second clerk
shall then enter it in a larger book, while the other two look over his
shoulder, and so on with the third. During this time, the waiter shall
look over his own shoulder; the left shoulder. He shall then receive a
cheque for the sherry to the amount required; i.e., one glass.
Rule 5.—The waiter shall then proceed to another glass door, where,
after a similar ceremony, he shall receive another cheque for soda-water.
(This prevents all confusion.)
Rule 6.—He shall then get the order stamped by the maid at the
bar; get the barmaid’s stamp ratified by the head-waiter; get the head-
waiter’s ratification of the barmaid’s stamp endorsed by the sub-manager;
the sub-manager’s endorsement warranted by the manager up one
flight of stairs; the warranty of the manager up one flight of stairs,
approved of by the assistant-under-secretary on the third landing; the
assistant-under-secretary’s approval of the manager’s warranty signed
by the under-secretary, third flight; such signature witnessed by the
secretary; the secretary’s signature countersigned by the resident-
director top story, who shall telegraph particulars to the committee;
then come down-stairs, with the copy of the telegram of particulars
and the order-cheque, containing the resident-director’s counter-sig-
nature to the secretary’s signature to the under-secretary’s third
flight approval of the assistant-under-secret.ary’s signature to the
managers up one flight of stairs warranty of the sub-manager’s en-
dorsement of the head-waiter’s ratification to the barmaid’s stamp to
the cheque that the registered waiter had procured from one of the
clerks behind the glass door in the Coffee Room.
He shall then proceed to fetch the sherry.
Rule 7.—The above will be carefully repeated for the Soda-water.
Rule 8.—The barmaid shall then apply to the uuder-cellarman, who
shall inform the cellarman, who shall notify the same to the master-
cellarman, who shall depute the sub-under-cellarman to give the bar-
maid the required sherry.
Rule 9.—So also for the soda-water ; application to be made to the
refrigerator-man, and so forth.
Rule 10.—The waiter shall procure another waiter to assist him in
bringing in the sherry on its salver, the soda-water on its tray, and the
under-porter to open the Coffee Room door.
Rule 11. (appended hereunto by the public) Having found the sherry
and soda-water, the waiter will now proceed to find—-the customer.
PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG.
THE MEDICAL ASSISTANT.
I Know I mind the Surgery bell, and roll the frequent pills,
I know I draw the paupers’ teeth, and cure their coughs with squills ;
While she—a banker’s only child (J. P., D L., Esquire),
Is belle at all the County balls, and beauty of the shire,
The diagnosis of my case the sympathetic know.
That counter-irritant, the boy, has probed it long ago;
He sees the flush, the start, the stare, when she goes riding by,
And grins the while he idly spreads the lively Spanish fly.
Good bye to “ Watson ” when the eye a sight of some one gets—
The merest glimpse of Bella’s nose nosology upsets •
Or if dispensing and 1 hear her piebalds from the Park—
The cooling lotions I neglect her lineaments to mark.
I ’ll go to Guy’s, I ’ll carve my way to surgical renown,
I’ll live on pulse till I’m the boast of my natal market-town ;
And in this local print.—How now ! some water, I’m unwell—
The palpitation at my heart no stethescope can tell!
“ Match in High Life—on the tapis—and to come off in May,
’Twixtthe lovely and accomplished Miss B. Blank and Genebal J.”
’Tis well that boy is in the town delivering pills and doses,
Just let him mind his eye ! I’m mad. He might get ecchymosis !
Farewell the hope each Sunday brought that passing down the aisle.
She might vouchsafe to gladden me with one phlogistic smile;
Farewell the dream, that sitting by the Surgery fire was bliss,
Of one day giving her the sweet emulsion of a kiss.
There is no salve on all the shelves can mitigate my smart;
Not all the College can reduce a fracture ol the heart!
As so my Donna Bella’s going to become another’s wife,
Come, Belladonna, berry dear, and ease me of my life.
Theatrical.
An Energetic Provincial Manager advertises an Operatic, as well as
a Dramatic and Ballet Company. He intends that this shall be, he
says, a “ Treble Company.” Surely he will have some difficulty in
getting Operas specially composed for a Treble Company. Where’s
the Bass ?
Vol. 47.
3—2