Punch (48.1865)

12

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 7, 1865.

SEASONABLE STATISTICS.

F course, dear Mr.
Punch, as I am a
young lady, I never
read the newspa-
pers, except in-
deed the Hatches
Matches and De-
spatches, as Cousin
Charley calls the
statements which
one sees every day
in the first column
of the Times. But
this morning I hap-
pened to glance over
papa’s shoulder as
I gave him his first
kiss and his second
cup of tea, for the
dear old thing had
poured one out
himself and actu-
ally drunk it, before
I’d done my hair
and come into the
breakfast-room, for
it takes 0 ! such a
time to do one’s
hair with one’s cold
fingers after one
has had one’s bath,
and those ivory-
backed brushes are
like ice, you know,
to handle, and they
really ought to have
hot water in them
somehow, like the,

plates pa has for wildfowl, which he likes almost half rate, and I can never touch, and gra-
cious me where was IPO yes, handing pa his cup of tea, aud there, no, not in the tea-cup,
you great stupid, but in the Times newspaper I happened to see this :—

“ The Trade in Mistletoe.—During the month of December last year the county of Hereford produced an
immense supply of mistletoe, which was forwarded to Liverpool, Manchester, and many of the adjoining
towns. It has been ascertained that about 20 tons were sent from Hereford, 15 from Ledbury, 12 from Leo-
minster, 6 from Ludlow, 15 from Ross, and altogether above SO tons from other localities. Many tons were
forwarded to foreign countries, besides many loads of the holly bush. The price paid for the mistletoe was

from 4s. to 5s. the cwt. Last year there was a greater
traffic in this description of produce than on any previous
year, but from present appearances it is expected that the
trade this year will be still brisker. The supply to the me-
tropolitan market from the home counties is very large.”

Tsventy! and two fifteens! and twelve! and
six ! and eighty ! Only fancy, Mr. Punch, what
a number of tons of mistletoe! And what a
quantity of kissing there must have been done
under it! I wonder how many young ladies on
the average are caught beneath a ton of mistletoe.
How many thousand kisses, do you think, go to
the hundredweight ? and supposing that each
berry represents a kiss, how many million kisses
can there be in a ton P I do wish that Mr. Bab-
bage, or some other great calculator, would
solve this interesting problem. I should so like
to plague and puzzle Cousin Charley with it.
Only I know he’d be so silly, and I’m quite sure
he’d try and show me how difficult it would be
to say how many kisses would go to a ton of
mistletoe, for he could prove—the wretch /—that
hundreds might be given with an ounce.

I don’t know what experiments I may make
myself, but some of your young lady readers who
have nothing else to do may like to set about
collecting statistics on the subject. This would
be much more fun, I fancy, than collecting crests
and ciphers, and stupid old spoilt stamps.

Hoping that my questions may be viewed with
deep attention by our social statisticians (isn’t
that the proper word, Sir, and am not I a clever
girl to recollect it P),

Believe me, yours devotedly (until I’m some
one else s), Seraphina Simper.

P.S. Just as I expected. Cousin Charley
has come in, and, for fear of a mistake, I have
shown him what I’ve ■written, and the wretch
has proved to me that twenty kisses actually
may be given with one berry, only fancy that!
We are now going to see how much a berry
weighs, and then, if we can, to calculate how
many hundred million there must be in a ton.

Tile Pre-Adamite Period.—Lizard Point to
the Isle of Man.

A TREAT TOR SWELLS.

_We are accustomed to hear a great deal of the example which tW
higher orders might set the lower; but let the former know that there
is abundant room for them to imitate examples afforded by the latter.
Let a bloated and proud, aristocracy peruse and profit hy the interest-
ing paragraph which follows, extracted from the Hampshire Inde-
pendent.

“ Shanklin.—Treat to the Navvies.—An entertainment to the men employed
on the Islo of Wight Railway was given in the National School-rooms, which were
decorated for the occasion. Among various devices the most striking was that of
‘ Welcome, Brothers,’ which met the eye immediately on entering the rooms. It
was a novel sight to see upwards of two hundred stalwart fellows regaled with tea
and plum-cake, and to hear them sing the well-known hymn, 4 Just as I am,’ &c.
As soon as the tables were cleared, the Rev. G. W. Southouse, after a brief and
appropriate speech, introduced Mr. Walsh, the indefatigable missionary, who made
some interesting and practical remarks, and was followed by the Rev. J. G.
Gregory, Rector of Bonchurch. At the close of his address, the Chairman gave out
the hymn .... After many hearty cheers for the ladies and friends who had so
kindly contributed to the treat, the company dispersed, highly delighted with their
entertainment.”

It certaiuly must have been a novel sight to see a gang of navvies,
two hundred strong, “regaled with tea aud plum cake,” because
we are so accustomed to see navvies regale themselves with
bread-aud-cbeese and beer. Equally novel was the sight of those
British Anakim engaged in singing the hymu, “Just as I am,” because,
when they have nothing better to do, we generally see them smoking
short pipes; aud they seldom sing anything of a more devotional
nature than “ Cheer, Boys, Cheer.”

But how much more novel a sight it would be to see a set of officers
hi the Guards, tor instance, regaled with tea and plum-cake, instead of
champagne and claret and master-pieces of French culinary science !
What a still greater novelty would it be to hear such a chorus of
gallant gentlemen obliging an assembly of smiling aud sympathetic

beholders with “ Just as we are! ”

W hy should not, the Rev. Mr. Bellew, or some equally competent
vclergyman, attend on the occasion of a “Treat to the Swells,” and

deliver a brief, or rather a long, and appropriate speech, introducing
the indefatigable missionary, Mr. Punch, who might make some
remarks which would be most highly interesting aud particularly
practical? Many and hearty, no doubt, would be the cheers that
would be given both to the ladies and gentlemen who had contributed
to, aud to those who bad partaken of so real a treat as that, and the
company would surely disperse highly delighted with their entertain-
ment.

Why should there not be an exhibition of officers of a crack regi-
ment, as well as navvies, bumbling themselves like little children under
the tutelage of clergymen ? If it is not derogatory to the manhood ol
navvies to be regaled ou plum-cake and tea, and to sing hymns, can it
be degrading to that of officers and gentlemen ?

ALLEGED HIGH TREASON AT STOCKBRIDGE.

wood-pigeous, as birds really mis-
:entleman from East Lothian thus

Vindicating the destruction of
cbievous to the farmer, a Scotch £
writes to the Times:—

“ I see in the Field, with horror aud disgust, that there is a club of fishers at
Stockbridge who have declared war against kingfishers, and have, during last
summer, murdered 34 of those rare aud beautiful birds. ”

If a true bill shall be returned against any parties at Stockbridge who
may be charged with the murder of kingfishers, they will deserve to be
tried for that crime at the next Winchester Assizes, aud, if convicted,
to be hanged, aud more than hanged. Eor fishers to kill kingfishers is
worse than murder, it is obviously high treason, and the caitiffs who
are guilty of it ought, by a revival of the old law for that chief of
offences, to be banged, drawn, aud quartered.

A MANX RIDDLE.

What place would be best suited for the banishment ol an unhappy
grumbler ? The Isle of Mona.