Punch (48.1865)

April 29. 1865.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

169

MECHANISM FOR THE MILLION.

JGANTIC are the strides of the Genius of
Modern Mechanism. Do we want to go up to
the cock-loft of the highest hotel in or out of
the metropolis, we betake ourselves to a Lift,
and we ascend like the fairies in the transfor-
mation scene of a pantomime, by machinery.
Will you have your hair brushed P You shall,
by machinery. Be shaved ? Shave you, directly,
Sir, by machinery. After much thought, and a
lengthened course of daily self-sacrifice, we are
now able to place before the public the result
of those experiments, by which, through the
application of mechanism to domestic affairs,
our life is shorn of more than half its trouble.

Do you want to get rid—temporarily, at all events—of a Mother-in-
law ? We will show you how to lead her gently, in the midst of a long
and animated harangue, into a small room, which, once set-a-going,
will keep on ascending and descending for the space of three hours at
least. Isn’t this worth six-and-eightpence any day of the week ? Of
course.

Machinery clothes us, or puts us to bed.

Machinery brushes, or night-caps, our head,

Machinery nurses and dandles our chicks,

(One nurse-maid by these means suffices for six,)

Machinery, after spasmodical warning,

Ejects us from bed any time in the morning.

One spring (we’re not going to say anything about the spring which
doesn’t make a summer, in spite of the present beautiful but deceitful
weather) will set all the household machinery in motion. Those neces-
sary nuisances, known as servants, will then succumb to the Powers
of a simple but mighty mechanism, and masters and mistresses, the real
servi servorum, will again be free. One, two, or three servants, pro-
perly instructed, will, according to the size and requirements of the
house, do the entire work. The original cost of the machinery will
be the only outlay, and then, no more Impudence! no more broken
j glass ! no more dirty plates ! no more hairs in the clear soup! no more
Nothing disagreeable of any sort!

You will begin the day with the Duties of the Dressing-room
by machinery. Whirr—whirr—whirr, out of bed. Pop! Whirr
i —whirr—whirr—into your bath. This will be really worthy of
being called “ a bathing machine.” More whirr—whirr—whirr,—
accompanied by a good rough towelling. Here, being in first-rate
animal spirits, you may (if you like) make a joke in allusion to the noise
of the machinery, and say that “instead of things going on better they
are getting whirrs and whirrs, by which you will be taken to mean
“ worse and worse—this is only your fun, and not by any means
true. Well, you are dressed for the morning: then, stepping on to a
small trap-door in the landing, you pull a string after the fashion of
a nervous creature in a shower bath, and down you are taken to
the Breakfast-room. It won’t be a very expensive affair to keep up
this sort of Trap.

Upon your sudden appearance below-stairs, you cau say some-
thing funny; it had better be funnier than before, if it occurs to you,
and you possess breath sufficient for the effort. If not, never mind;

take your seat, which will advance towards you, apparently, of its
own accord, without any Davenport humbug, and await some happier
moment for the utterance of your light-hearted witticisms.

In course of time will be invented, also, the Finding Fault Machine,
for “ blowing up” any offender : this will be the new infernal machine.

The first object of interest on your breakfast-table will be the
Hydraulic Teapot. To explain the mechanism of this admirable con-
trivance is not our business, except on private application, and the
usual thingummy in stamps, or coin, or—well, every one knows what
we mean, and business is business. Within this marvellous invention
the Tea is ready made, sugared, and milked, and will be, at your
own time, pumped gently into your mouth. There will be no more
complaints about bad tea-making; no getting into hot water about
its quantity or quality. Then comes Egg-eating by machinery. Ah!
How this would have astonished our Great Grandmothers !

You ’ll hear the sound of little clicks, as when you make a lock work.
Because the egg cup’s stem, inside, is fitted up with clock-work
That moves an arm of steel that will a small steel hammer wield,

That taps and raps upon the shell till it begins to yield.

But, as one rarely in a moment all things needed hits off,

As yet we’ve no machinery to pick the little bits off.

Then sharply as Jem Mace’s arm encounters that of Noon
So soon pops forth a small steel arm and deftly plies the spoon,

And with precision, such as would shame e’en the shots at Howth,

It shoots the yolk in twixt the lips of your expectant mouth.

Boot and clothes brushing, bread-cutting, carving, cork-drawing,
sweeping, letter writing, reading, etcetera, etcetera, all shall soon be
done by machinery.

Mr. Babbage’s Calculator is a mere mechanical infant to our
gradually matured inventions. We reap, we sow, by machinery; and
at no great distance of time the world shall see a new machine for cutting
down household expenses. We shall cook by machinery ; we shall have
our mashed potatoes by mashinery. From thinking of machinery we
shall at last arrive at thinking by machinery, and Man himself shall be,
as presented in this initial etching, a mere machine.

So if you like our invention

To any one this you may mention:—

That the Palace or the Cottage, or the Manor House or Deanery,

We will, on terms most moderate, fit up with our Machinery.

VOL. 48.

6—2