Punch (48.1865)

January 14, 1865.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

19

THE VICTIM OF FICTION.

Being passages from the Diary of a young Gentleman in the Law, who is a
confirmed reader of Novels, and nothing else.

Monday Night.—“ I shall not return.” Such were my words as I
closed the street door behind me this morning. “ Are they ominous ?

I meant only that I should not return until night, but what if some
fatal event should fulfil them, and they should be evidence on the
coroner’s inquest.! ” So I pondered, as I went to the omnibus. But I
am home again. Next me sat a well-dressed man, with white hair.
Ke murmured at the slowness of the vehicle. His smile was kindly,
but that was probably hypocritical. He was doubtless eager to take
up some bill he had forged, and thus prevent the crime from being
detected. To the office of Mr. Asphodel, the Governor. How weari-
some and pettifogging were the daily details of a lawyer’s clerk’s life
until I learned to look at them in the lurid light shed by knowledge of'
the world! Now the Governor’s Attendance-Book is one long romance.
He gave me instructions to draw a certain marriage settlement. I will
note no name save in cipher. I believe that Miss Klgbbsng hates
Captain Grrpllgmb, and has a concealed passion for her guardian.
Lord Arrwggbnx, who brought her to our place. I saw a look which
spoke volumes. When I witness her signature, I will try to test this.
Mr. Jollipield brought his father’s will for us to get it proved. The
water-mark betrays nothing, and the whole looks fair, but there was a
furtive expression about his eye as he told the Governor to lock it up.
Note. The latter asked for the key of our strong room, and did not
return it. Will he be there to-night—is he there now, when all of us
are gone—and why ? I was last to leave. I wish I had tied a thread
across the door. Beading in bed till 2 a.m.

Tuesday Night.—Mrs. Smiler, who with her husband are fellow-
boarders here, was most attentive to her husband this morning,insisted on
arranging his neck-scarf before he went out, and took out a pin which
she declared was ugly, putting in another. But she did not kiss him—
only laughed a merry Good-bye. Was that pin to he a signal to some
one whom he would meet? Such things are common. Office. Asphodel
returned the key, and said he forgot to do so overnight. He is not one
who commonly forgets, especially any trumpery blunder in detail which
you may make when your mmd is excited with sensations of which his
cold heart knows nothing. My friend and companion in my room, Bob
Chowper, very grave to-day. Would not talk, declaring that he had a
heavy case to master. This idle excuse did not serve with me; but I said
nothing. Has he committed some crime F He has refused more than
once to go to the theatre with me. I must look at the playbills, and see
whether the pieces I proposed to see were of a kind to act upon his con-
science. Watched him writing a letter, which he locked up. Why did
he not put it into our box, to be called for, like other letters ? But I
will never betray him. Beading as usual till nearly 3.

Wednesday Night.—Called to-day, in Half Moon Street, to read the
proposed marriage settlement to the parties. Miss Klgbbsng was
very amusing, chatted gaily with her fiance, and even made fun of some 1
of our law terms. This must be assumed—is it natural to a young girl
within a fortnight of so awful a step as matrimony ? His Lordship was
not there. Probably he has not her power of self-command, and could
not bear to see his rival’s apparent happiness. The Beverend Mr.
Clipper came, and got the Governor to give him a cheque for £200.
Yet Mr. C. is rich, and his bankers are in the next street but two. I
have heard that before his marriage he was much admired by ladies—■
is there some dark mystery, and Mrs. Clipper not to see the entry in
the banker’s book? Mr. Spriggings called, and the Governor
managed to go out without seeing him. Why was this P There are
three boxes of deeds in the strong room, marked with S.’s name. I
will offer to index the contents. Mrs. Bkkljvxbjtt called, and the
porter said that she went away in tears. Asphodel can be very brutal
when he likes—he has said coarse things to me when I have forgotten
to write what he called important letters. Bead till 2'35, when I fell
asleep, and the candle burnt out in socket. No harm done, except
tallow all over the bolster. Gave Anne a shilling to manage that her
mistress should not know. She promised to put my bolster on some
one else’s bed, and give me his. This girl makes me shudder. In what
region of crime could she have been taught such subtle craft p Has she
ever had part in a murder ? I will watch her.

Thursday Night.—A letter for Mrs. Smiler, at breakfast. ‘ He asked
whom it was from. She laughed, and told him to mind his own busi-
ness. And that could throw him off the scent—that assumption of
innocent fun ! I will never wed—I know women too well. She told
him that she was going to her dressmaker’s. The fool pretended to
fasten up his purse, determinately, as if warning her against extrava-
gance. And then she laughed again. Well she might. My eye was
on her, and she looked foolish. But it is no business of mine. The
office. Dr. Spiderwort called, and I, having to go in to speak to the
Governor, heard them talking about life-assurance. They stopped when
I entered, and the doctor put something into his pocket. We have
heard of medical men hastening the payment of suras assured—and how it

has been done. What was in that packet, or whatever Dr. S. pocketed ?

I had a suspicion flash across me to-night that this diary is seen by
other eyes than my own. Anne gave a strange glance when she handed
me my candlestick: a grin I should have understood, bnt this was
more mysterious. I have taken means to ascertain whether my lock is
tampered with. Whoever you are, who are clandestinely reading this,
you are betrayed ! Could not read to-night for thinking of my
stratagem.

Triday Night.—A most unpleasant circumstance. Smiler came
down early, and finding me alone, said he had wanted to speak to me.

I prepared myself to be his confidant, when he intimated that if I stared
any more, in an offensive manner, at his wife, he would pull my nose
off. I smiled sarcastically, knowing what I knew; but no more passed.
Walked into town. A Frenchman accosted me, and in his own lan-
guage asked me the way to the French Embassy. I had forgotten
where it was, and expressed my regret. He smiled in a melancholy
way, and said that he had suddenly arrived, and was without English j
money, but it did not matter—and he was sure, as I spoke French so
beautifully, I should understand his feelings. I begged him, with
apologies, to accept half-a-crown for a cab. He took it. But I felt it
my duty to write a full and exact account of what I had done (de-
scribing the person), and send it to the French Embassy, as this man
may be dangerous. Office. Asked the Governor whether I should
index Spriggings’s papers. He abruptly told me to get on with the
work I had already in hand. This confirms my suspicions. I forgot
my precautions about this diary, and cannot tell to-night whether it has
been touched. But I will take it away, and keep it at the office. Casually
asked Anne what she thought of Bloggs, who is now being tried, and
she said she hoped he would be hung. A female heart hardened against
mercy, and a female hypocrite, affecting indignation against crime! I
now believe that she took my new and unused ivory toothbrush. Bead
till 1A5.

Saturday Night.—Write at the office, all the clerks gone. Our house
disgusting this day. Mrs. Smiler has a baby, and Smiler rampaging
about the premises in ecstasy —would shake hands with me, and make me
take wine—was sure I had meant nothing rude, but ladies require extra
humouring at times—invited me to the christening—a joyous beast.
The old gentleman with white hair, whom I saw in the omnibus, and
suspected of forgery, came, and turns out to be Mrs. Smiler’s uncle,
as rich as Crcesus—godfather, of course. Got away from their senti-
mentalities, and to the office. Large letter from the French Embassy,
stating that the man I had relieved was a notorious street beggar, who
plundered foolish persons by complimenting1 them on their French.
Bob Chowper radiant; slapped my back in a coarse manner, and told
me that he was a father, that he had been uneasy about Mrs. C. all the
week, but that now all was glorious, and I should come to the christen-
ing. I answered rather coldly, on which he roared, and told me to
marry, and see how I liked it. I marry ! I have read too much for
that. But a further astonishment awaited me. Dr. Spiderwort came
in, and not finding the Governor, looked into my room, and told me
I should be happy to hear- that Mrs. Asphodel had got a fine boy, and
was going on capitally. And as I looked, he said, a judge of pretty
things, he showed me a Dagmar brooch which he was going to present
to her, because Asphodel, like a pertinacious fellow, had insisted on
paying him a fee. It was the very packet I had seen him hide ! Pre-
sently in came the Governor, as pleased as Punch, and sends me off to

Mrs. B-, bother, no use in ciphers now, Mrs. Weepingwill, to

say, with his love, that he had got both her boys into the War Office;
and when I told her she cried, and said he was the best man in the
world, and that she should never forget his kindness last Wednesday.
Seems I took a wrong view. Have to hurry up my entries, as that
brute the porter wants to shut up. Ask him why he is in such a
hurry. Says his missis has been confined to-day, and he naturally
wants to be at home. I should have thought the reverse, but these
creatures have no sensitiveness. So close in a hurry.

The remaining entry is in the handwriting of Mr. Asphodel.

“ The donkey who wrote the above has left me some months, and I
find this stuck in an unfinished document that was discovered in his
drawer, amid a detestable litter. For his further information, if he
receives this by post, I may state that the marriage he mentions
was a love-match, and most happy, and Miss Klgbbsng, now Mrs.
Grrpllgmb, has just had a beautiful baby, who is called after Lord
Arrwggbnx. That Mr. Jollipield was the most dutiful of sons to
the kindest of fathers, and that the will, though perfectly regular, has
not yet consoled him for the loss of his parent. That I, who was so
unfortunate as to incur my clerk’s suspicions, by wanting the key of
my own safe, merely wished to stow away £200 in notes, which my
client, the Bev. Mr. Clipper, had received from his wife, who had
saved the money for a purpose which does not concern my clerk, but
there was no wickedness in it. That I did see Mr. Spriggings on the
Wednesday, for, as arranged, he came round and met me at the front
door, and we lunched at the Gray’s Inn Coffee-house. And lastly, that
if he had imitated the conduct of Mr. Chowper, or even of poor, honest
Edward the porter, I should not have had to tell Anne (evidently a