DOI Heft:
January 21, 1865
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16875#0033
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I
January 21, 1865.]
defendant left a double chalk. {Laughter.) Did you chalk up the kisses (Loud
laughter.)
“ Witness. Certainly not. Mbs. Burbell, defendant’s wife’s sister, said on one
occasion that she would, cut her sister’s legs off rather than that she should marry a
milkman.
“ Mb. Hawkins. I suppose she said that because he was not the cream of society.
(Laughter.)
“ Mr. Chambers. No ; he is what is called skimmed milk. (Laughter.)"
Mrs. Burrell’s awful figure of speech might have scared less
eminent wits out their powers of rejoinder, but we rejoice to read that,
like Tancred and Argantes when they charged each other and their
horses fell, they
“ Sprang lightly up, war's perfect masters they.”
The bereaved Emma got £25 and an assurance from Baron Bram-
well that she was to be congratulated in escaping the milkman’s yoke;
for though he had sworn that he would not have any but-her, he was
not the cheese, she would have been cowed by his temper, been treated
like a Kurd, never had her whey, &c., &c., &c. Or, if his Lordship did
■not say so, he thought if, but would not enter into a wit-conflict with
the Bar.
Altogether, old Eather Antic, the Law, is not so dull as much that
passes for fun in recognised places of entertainment, Convocation for
instance.
TO THE YANKEE BRAGGARTS.
25
COMPLAINT OE AN OLD EOGY.
Dear Punch,
Have you underwent (is it went or gone) the last form ot
torture invented by the rising generation for the discomferture of
people who were educated in days when spelling was not thought a
sinecure non so much as sense and spirit. When you get in the
drawing-room some perky young lady says, “Well, now, wefll try Mr.
Dolderum’s spelling.” “Try what, my dear?” says I. “It’s such
fun. You are to write down the words which I say, and if you spell
any of them wrong, you owe me a fillypeener ” (I know that’s wrong),
“ so sit down, and here’s my pencil.” What am I to dou The whole
party swarms round, and Miss Impertinence dictates a lot of words
—here is what I wrote last night, and they all screamed, and I owe
the young puss a present. Look here, who was to spell such words ?
“ Going on board the yatch, 1 was harrased by an acknowledgement of
the owner’s embarassment at being taken by me for Lord Chumley at
Cisseter, but I icitheld an answer because I was vaccilating about the
vacillation of my grandaughter, and he went on gaging the heighth of a
peeled potatoe.”
Now, really, Mr. Punch, this spelling seems to me quite good
enough to be understood, and what more do you want ? I will not
dine out if this sort of thing is allowed, and there’s an end of it.
Yours, ever truly,
Malmesbury Dolderum.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAPI
Thunder which we had prepared in case Mr. Seward should back up
General Din.
his American crisis is one
which is only to be met by
the most unmitigated Swag-
ger, and Mr. Punch, hastily
constituting himself Head
Swaggerer to the British
Nation, hereby answers the
Yankee journals “ with shouts
as loud and shrieks as ‘ fierce
as their own.’ ” War with
England, indeed, you long-
faced, wizened, ugly, ignorant
Occidentals. Do you know
what you are talking about ?
Defy the flag that has braved
a thousand years the battle
and the breeze ? Laugh at the
Lion and give umbrage to
the Unicorn. Bah! Bosh!
Shut up ! Tremble! Do you
know what we should do in
the flash of a lucifer match ?
We should recognise the Con-
federacy, proclaim Davis
King of the South, and steam
into all the Confederate
ports at once with three
hundred thousand Guards, all six foot and most six and three-
quarters, sinking all your blockading ships to David Jones, except
such as we should seize for our own use in bombarding New York. We
should put Sir Hugh Rose at the head of our stupendous land
force, and relieve Lee, who would rush South to exterminate all your
Generals, sober or tipsy, while we marched upon Washington, and for
the second time, ha! ha! gave it to the devouring flames. We should
then walk over you all, and straight into Canada, where we should
instantly hang every Yankee who had dared to set his hoof on the
sacred soil, and then we should annex the North to the colony, making
Quebec the empire city. Meantime, our Australian soldiers would be
up and doing ; the Swan River Volunteers would occupy Texas, the
brave Van Diemens would clear Missouri, the New South Welshers
would answer for Arkansas, while the New Zealand natives, amnestied
and thirsting to show their love for England, would sweep like a
tattooed torrent through Minnesota, Iowa, and Wisconsin. We
should have a grand re-union of forces at Michigan, where a British
Congress would proclaim aristocracy, primogeniture, and thp Church of
Ireland as the established religion of your country, and then we
should consider to what death it would be most satisfactory to the
universe to put Gordon Bennett and Mr. Seward. After which a
grand display of fireworks and a transparency two miles long, bearing
in flaming letters the legend.
The Union is No More !
Put that in your pipes and smoke it; and there’s plenty more where
that came from. Let’s liquor up all round.
What Common Question means Negus?—Wine’otP
CHANT ON THE ENCYCLICAL.
{As intoned by the Ultramontane French Bishops.)
Oh, what a hardship and a shame, a scandal and abomination
To be forbidden giving the Pope’s Bull official publication!
The newspapers are all allowed to reproduce that sacred document,
O venerable Brothers, and with criticisms to vex and shock you meant.
Let us raise a voice of wailing, lamentation, mourning, woe.
How unfairly, how severely, we are treated ! Oh, oh, oh !
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
It is denied us to instruct our faithful flocks that they should rather
Obey, than CLesar, one who is above him; that’s Rome’s Holy Father,
And preach that Cpesar’s throne is based on principles of revolution.
And CiESAR will himself have to do penance and make restitution,
Or—I need not mention the alternative which you all know.
And our tongues are tied, or we had better hold them. Oh, oh, oh i
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
What persecution we endure in being hindered from declaring
The dogma that the State doth sin with wicked heretics in bearing,
That nobody beside ourselves hath right to freedom of opinion,
And temporal is subject to ecclesiastical dominion.
In our shaven cheeks with tears the furrows therefore overflow,
Dolefully as we keep crying through our noses. Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
THE SLANG OE THE STAGE.
What queer people there are in the world, and especially in the
world dramatic. Eor instance, look at this odd catalogue of persons
who are wanted for a theatre :—
\A7ANTED (to open on the 24th of January), a Leading Gentleman,
VV Juvenile First Low Comedian, Three or Four Utility Gentlemen, a Leading
Lady, Heavy Juveniles, a Lady to Sing and Dance, and Two Utility Ladies. Parties
engaged will please to meet on the stage at the Theatre.
Now that idleness is thought rather a lady-like accomplishment,
“ utility ladies ” are not so vastly plentiful, and really it would be
almost as hard to find a brace of them as to flush a pair of Dodos upon
Salisbury Plain. To be ornamental is what ladies mostly aim at
now-a-days, and few of them have any thought of trying to be useful.
As for the “ heavy juveniles,” who are likewise in demand, the notice
should be more precise in stating of what age and weight these juveniles
must be. If the fat boy in Pickwick be taken as the standard weight
required for heavy juveniles, it might, perhaps, be difficult to meet
with a young bantling,—or rather, we should say, a young Banting—to
come up to it.
Then, what in wonder’s name are all these people wanted “ to open
on the 24th ?” Is an oyster supper to be given on that evening, and
are these actors all required to lend a hand in the prefatory arrangements ?
cynic’s motto eor kelly’s directory.
(By the permission of the Author of “ Dead Men whom l have known.")
Living Men whom I don’t want to know.
I
1
I
I
January 21, 1865.]
defendant left a double chalk. {Laughter.) Did you chalk up the kisses (Loud
laughter.)
“ Witness. Certainly not. Mbs. Burbell, defendant’s wife’s sister, said on one
occasion that she would, cut her sister’s legs off rather than that she should marry a
milkman.
“ Mb. Hawkins. I suppose she said that because he was not the cream of society.
(Laughter.)
“ Mr. Chambers. No ; he is what is called skimmed milk. (Laughter.)"
Mrs. Burrell’s awful figure of speech might have scared less
eminent wits out their powers of rejoinder, but we rejoice to read that,
like Tancred and Argantes when they charged each other and their
horses fell, they
“ Sprang lightly up, war's perfect masters they.”
The bereaved Emma got £25 and an assurance from Baron Bram-
well that she was to be congratulated in escaping the milkman’s yoke;
for though he had sworn that he would not have any but-her, he was
not the cheese, she would have been cowed by his temper, been treated
like a Kurd, never had her whey, &c., &c., &c. Or, if his Lordship did
■not say so, he thought if, but would not enter into a wit-conflict with
the Bar.
Altogether, old Eather Antic, the Law, is not so dull as much that
passes for fun in recognised places of entertainment, Convocation for
instance.
TO THE YANKEE BRAGGARTS.
25
COMPLAINT OE AN OLD EOGY.
Dear Punch,
Have you underwent (is it went or gone) the last form ot
torture invented by the rising generation for the discomferture of
people who were educated in days when spelling was not thought a
sinecure non so much as sense and spirit. When you get in the
drawing-room some perky young lady says, “Well, now, wefll try Mr.
Dolderum’s spelling.” “Try what, my dear?” says I. “It’s such
fun. You are to write down the words which I say, and if you spell
any of them wrong, you owe me a fillypeener ” (I know that’s wrong),
“ so sit down, and here’s my pencil.” What am I to dou The whole
party swarms round, and Miss Impertinence dictates a lot of words
—here is what I wrote last night, and they all screamed, and I owe
the young puss a present. Look here, who was to spell such words ?
“ Going on board the yatch, 1 was harrased by an acknowledgement of
the owner’s embarassment at being taken by me for Lord Chumley at
Cisseter, but I icitheld an answer because I was vaccilating about the
vacillation of my grandaughter, and he went on gaging the heighth of a
peeled potatoe.”
Now, really, Mr. Punch, this spelling seems to me quite good
enough to be understood, and what more do you want ? I will not
dine out if this sort of thing is allowed, and there’s an end of it.
Yours, ever truly,
Malmesbury Dolderum.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAPI
Thunder which we had prepared in case Mr. Seward should back up
General Din.
his American crisis is one
which is only to be met by
the most unmitigated Swag-
ger, and Mr. Punch, hastily
constituting himself Head
Swaggerer to the British
Nation, hereby answers the
Yankee journals “ with shouts
as loud and shrieks as ‘ fierce
as their own.’ ” War with
England, indeed, you long-
faced, wizened, ugly, ignorant
Occidentals. Do you know
what you are talking about ?
Defy the flag that has braved
a thousand years the battle
and the breeze ? Laugh at the
Lion and give umbrage to
the Unicorn. Bah! Bosh!
Shut up ! Tremble! Do you
know what we should do in
the flash of a lucifer match ?
We should recognise the Con-
federacy, proclaim Davis
King of the South, and steam
into all the Confederate
ports at once with three
hundred thousand Guards, all six foot and most six and three-
quarters, sinking all your blockading ships to David Jones, except
such as we should seize for our own use in bombarding New York. We
should put Sir Hugh Rose at the head of our stupendous land
force, and relieve Lee, who would rush South to exterminate all your
Generals, sober or tipsy, while we marched upon Washington, and for
the second time, ha! ha! gave it to the devouring flames. We should
then walk over you all, and straight into Canada, where we should
instantly hang every Yankee who had dared to set his hoof on the
sacred soil, and then we should annex the North to the colony, making
Quebec the empire city. Meantime, our Australian soldiers would be
up and doing ; the Swan River Volunteers would occupy Texas, the
brave Van Diemens would clear Missouri, the New South Welshers
would answer for Arkansas, while the New Zealand natives, amnestied
and thirsting to show their love for England, would sweep like a
tattooed torrent through Minnesota, Iowa, and Wisconsin. We
should have a grand re-union of forces at Michigan, where a British
Congress would proclaim aristocracy, primogeniture, and thp Church of
Ireland as the established religion of your country, and then we
should consider to what death it would be most satisfactory to the
universe to put Gordon Bennett and Mr. Seward. After which a
grand display of fireworks and a transparency two miles long, bearing
in flaming letters the legend.
The Union is No More !
Put that in your pipes and smoke it; and there’s plenty more where
that came from. Let’s liquor up all round.
What Common Question means Negus?—Wine’otP
CHANT ON THE ENCYCLICAL.
{As intoned by the Ultramontane French Bishops.)
Oh, what a hardship and a shame, a scandal and abomination
To be forbidden giving the Pope’s Bull official publication!
The newspapers are all allowed to reproduce that sacred document,
O venerable Brothers, and with criticisms to vex and shock you meant.
Let us raise a voice of wailing, lamentation, mourning, woe.
How unfairly, how severely, we are treated ! Oh, oh, oh !
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
It is denied us to instruct our faithful flocks that they should rather
Obey, than CLesar, one who is above him; that’s Rome’s Holy Father,
And preach that Cpesar’s throne is based on principles of revolution.
And CiESAR will himself have to do penance and make restitution,
Or—I need not mention the alternative which you all know.
And our tongues are tied, or we had better hold them. Oh, oh, oh i
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
What persecution we endure in being hindered from declaring
The dogma that the State doth sin with wicked heretics in bearing,
That nobody beside ourselves hath right to freedom of opinion,
And temporal is subject to ecclesiastical dominion.
In our shaven cheeks with tears the furrows therefore overflow,
Dolefully as we keep crying through our noses. Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
THE SLANG OE THE STAGE.
What queer people there are in the world, and especially in the
world dramatic. Eor instance, look at this odd catalogue of persons
who are wanted for a theatre :—
\A7ANTED (to open on the 24th of January), a Leading Gentleman,
VV Juvenile First Low Comedian, Three or Four Utility Gentlemen, a Leading
Lady, Heavy Juveniles, a Lady to Sing and Dance, and Two Utility Ladies. Parties
engaged will please to meet on the stage at the Theatre.
Now that idleness is thought rather a lady-like accomplishment,
“ utility ladies ” are not so vastly plentiful, and really it would be
almost as hard to find a brace of them as to flush a pair of Dodos upon
Salisbury Plain. To be ornamental is what ladies mostly aim at
now-a-days, and few of them have any thought of trying to be useful.
As for the “ heavy juveniles,” who are likewise in demand, the notice
should be more precise in stating of what age and weight these juveniles
must be. If the fat boy in Pickwick be taken as the standard weight
required for heavy juveniles, it might, perhaps, be difficult to meet
with a young bantling,—or rather, we should say, a young Banting—to
come up to it.
Then, what in wonder’s name are all these people wanted “ to open
on the 24th ?” Is an oyster supper to be given on that evening, and
are these actors all required to lend a hand in the prefatory arrangements ?
cynic’s motto eor kelly’s directory.
(By the permission of the Author of “ Dead Men whom l have known.")
Living Men whom I don’t want to know.