Punch (55.1868)

July 11, 1868.]

13

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.

well-off as lie appears, and. tradesmen’s bills increasing like snowballs !
from year to year, and the boys being obliged to launch out a little at
Cambridge as other young men do, I cannot do as I would for my
girls, though I give them every advantage in my power. It is true
they have had little education, excepting dancing and music, but
what is education hr comparison to a good wardrobe ? and really
few girls can make a better show than my Julia and Clara and
Blanche, especially at night, when white silks don’t show their yellow-
tint, and no one is the wiser for cleaned gloves and “done-up’s.”
The worst of it is, that milliners are sometimes so disagreeable and
ask for money, the ungrateful creatures, when a lady of my position
has patronised them for years, and is almost sure to settle up accounts
some day or other! > Ah ! poor Grundy and I have an anxious time of
it, especially since false hair and other expensive fashions have come
in. I assure you, dear Mrs. Punch, I have lately paid—I mean I have
bought— (for paying is quite out of the question, just now when pro-
visions are so dear, and one is obliged to have lawn parties and other
sociabilities of the season) no less than twenty guineas’ worth of false
hair for my girls, and even now Blanche’s chignon is detestably
small. If crinolines were a thorn in the flesh, hair is two thorns, for
the fashion is always changing, and you can’t do up hair at home.
Last year, my darling girls had the loveliest golden locks, so crisped
and flossy, perfect bits of colour as artists woidd say, and now brown
has come into fashion, and any lady knows what those simple words
involve; to-morrow it may be mack or burnt senna, or indeed aqua-
marine for all I know. But wdiat Englishwoman would not dye for
the honour of her country ? and I pride myself that my daughters have
dyed to some purpose. Revolutionise us, dear Mrs. Punch, as much as
you please in other respects, but the art of dress is, in my opinion, the
first business of a woman’s life.”

I confess to you, my dear daughter, that I do not agree with (Mrs.
■Grundy, and had I been a person of moral firmness, I should have j
told her my opinions of the present Red Indian, Abyssinian, frizzy-1
headed, scantv-skirted, be-feathered, be-spangled, be-fooled sort of cos- ■
tume, illogically called Ladies’ full dress.

Your dear Papa and I are old-fashioned people, and though we try >
to keep up to the spirit of the times, we cannot reconcile ourselves to '
•seeing respectable ladies dressed with as much violation of good taste !
■and decency as women in the Gorilla country who know no better,
poor dears !

Mr. Punch and 1 went to an evening party the other night, arriving
as we were bidden to do, at the rational hour of ten; but no sooner
had we entered the drawing-room, than Mr. Punch drew back, and !
.-said with a shocked, almost a solemn air, “ We have evidently come
too soon, my love, for the ladies have not finished dressing them-
selves.”

I said meekly that I thought he was mistaken. “ We must have■
•come to the wrong house, then,” he ejaculated quite fiercely; “ and, j
in Heaven’s name, Mrs. Punch, among what sort of company are we ? j
Let us retire forthwith.” But up stepped the hostess, a charming ;
young lady, the modest wife of a fond husband, the mother of sweet j
•children, and lo and behold, she was as outrageously dressed as a
•dancing-girl at a fair-! An awful boss of some hairy material sur-
mounted her head, and the remainder of her costume might be said to
■consist of a pearl necklace, pearl ear-rings, and a white silk train com-
mencing at the waist. Of anything pretending to be a bodice there
was no sign.

What are we coming to, then ? What does it prognosticate when
mothers and wives dress in the style of Anonymas ? Is it done to
please the men we wish our daughters to marry ? What a lesson for
them is this drawing-room spectacle ! What an incentive to decorum !
•Oh, fie, ladies ! Burn your chignons, every one of them • cut up your
trains into vestments for your shoulders, dears; fancifully as Nature
•dresses the flowers, if you will, but with regard to comfort and pro-
priety, and see how the men like that.

If ladies adopted this insufficient mode of Ball-dress out of economy
there might be something said in its favour, but as it is, they spend
•double and treble the money necessary to cover their shoulders, upon
pyramids of false hair, so firm and securely fastened that the Redan
hardly stood cannon-balls better than they would do.

A clergyman’s wife, hi that mild and benignant manner with which
•clerical ladies are wont to handle the parochial reins, not long ago
■suggested the desirability of Liveries for female servants ; but on the
principle that modest dress, like charity, should begin at home, I com-
mend other reformations to the lady’s notice. If Liveries would keep
housemaids and cooks from vanity and ruin, for Heaven’s sake,
Reverend Madam, let the svstem be introduced among their betters !
What a revolution would be effected in society if some enterprising
(Moses were to set up a grand millinery and drapery Mart where ladies
■could buy costumes exactly proportionate to their husbands’ incomes.

Let us begin with the £300 per annum department. Straw bonnets,
■of any colour, trimmed with ribbon, no flowers nor veils, except Shet-
land veils worn on hygienic principles to prevent tic-douloureux, Linsey
dresses for winter, serge for Sundays ; cotton and alpacas for summer,
with cloth or alpaca mantles.

Next let us take the £500 per annum department. Plain net bonnets
for summer, plain velvet for winter ; dresses as before, with the addi-
tion of black silk, aud mantle of same material for summer.

£700 per annum department. Bonnets as before, with the addition
of neat flowers and one small feather; grey silk for summer, sdk
mantle trimmed with jet, Brench merino or black silk for winter-
choice of mantles from £3 to £5.

And so on: do, dear Mrs. Rector, see what you can do in this
matter, and when you have reformed the mistresses, then turn your
attention to the maids.

Do I in my most ardent moments expect such a reformation ? Shall
Mrs. Punch call upon her sex for a Burning of the Vanities, to some
purpose? Join, my Judiaxa, in the aspirations of

Your devoted and patriotic Mother,

Mrs. Punch.

A NATIONAL TRIUMPH.

Mr. Duncan Campbell read in The Owl, which he had borrowed :—

“ Her Majesty’s Government have resolved to confer a Peerage on Sin
Robert Napier.”

He remarked to Mr. Archibald Prazer—

“ There ’ll be just nae Peer like Napier.”

Mr. Archibald Erazer, in less than a minute, burst out laughing.
Mr. Duncan Campbell laughed too. Then they went off, both of
them, into fits of laughter, which continued with momentary inter-
missions for about twenty minutes, and recurred at intervals during a
period of four hours and a half.

Valuable Suggestion.

Dear Sir,—Being a constant reader of your valuable paper, I
observe in the Illustrated News that the King of Tig-re uses a Lion for
his seal. Surely there is something here which you could work up, and
by so doing oblige. Yours, obediently,

City. Tuesday. A Stock-Exchange Wit.

[We prefer to print our delightful Correspondent’s letter, minus his
respected signature.—Ed. P. ]

PRINCE NAPOLEON.

Impecuniosity is evidently threatening the Emperor op the
Erench. He has been sending a Napoleon for change all over
Europe, and can’t get it done anywhere.