Punch (59.1870)

August 6, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

63

prayers of the nations; and Lord Howard of Glossop, a Catholic,
said that members of his Church, though they thought the measure
retrograde so far as Catholics were concerned, would support it for the
sake of forwarding the general education of the country. Spoken as a
Howard should speak.

In the Commons, important crisis notwithstanding, question was
asked whether a magistrate had done right in flogging a fellow who
had been convicted of sis violent and several smaller assaults, finishing,
for the present, by a brutal attack on a gaoler. Yet such questions do
good ; for the publication of the facts conveys to a very large class, to
whom the information is desirable, the news that society does use a cat
upon savages. Lowest class papers, please copy.

In Supply, Mr. Ayrton made the gratifyins statement that the
hideous and costly iron rails with which the Works have begun to
surround the Regent's Park are to be given up, and a rustic wooden
paling is to be substituted, as desired by the inhabitants. Again we
iiave the pleasure of complimenting Mr. Ayrton, upon whom, we
believe, our gentle and affectionate hints have wrought well.

He also said that the artists bad advised the discontinuance of
Mosaic decoration in the Central Hall. Electors do not desire this
discontinuance as regards the House, the Mosaic decoration whereof
hath been added to by Rochester, which returns Mr. Julian Gold-
smid, and thus increases the acute and valuable group of members of
the Hebrew faith, who do, as Mr. Punch always predicted that they
would do, good service to the country.

Tuesday. Earl Granville settled the " forgery " question, stating
that the Prussian Minister had a copy of the Treaty in the hand-
writing of M. Benedetti, and would publish it in the Berlin official
paper. His Lordship added that the French Minister here affirmed
that the Treaty had originated with Count Bismarck, and never had
any " serious basis." Mr. Punch has spoken.

Yes, and the Lords read a Second Time a Bill for improving our
system of enlistment, and for creating an Army of Reserve.

Do you remember the Irish Church Bill ? There now, don't be impa-
tient : the weather is rather cooler than it was, but still you should
avoid excitement. Mr. Punch was merely going to mention that as a
corollary (that is, coral necklace, or finishing ornament round the neck
of Madame Ecclesia), a Bill is in progress for lending Government
money to build decent houses for the Irish clergy of all denominations.
The money is to be paid back—there is no Endowment. There was
some growling, and polite Mr. Hadfield called Mr. Gladstone the
Creature of Necessity, but the Bill was read a Second Time by a large
maj ority.

On the Census Bill Sir John Lubbock raised a curious question.
He wanted a return of all those who have married their Eirst Cousins,
and this was asked in connection with a theory that such marriages are
undesirable. Now, as every boy in the world falls iu love with some
first cousin, Mr. Punch cannot think that Nature forbids the banns.
Moreover, such marriages usually turn out happily, because the parties
have had such capital opportunities of getting their quarrelling over
before wedlock. The Ho^e declined to let the question be asked.

Sir David Salomons was not allowed to add to the Factories Bill
a clause to relieve Jews engaged iu tobacco-making from the penalty
for working on Sunday. The refusal was clearly right, unless Christians
could be prevented from buying Sunday-made Pickwicks, and thus
being partakers in the offence.

Wednesday. A Bill about superannuating {who said super-QuEEN
anne-uating ? get out!) Queen Anne's Bounty officials, was read a
Second Time. Those whom it concerns must look up the debate—it is
easy to see why Mr. Punch even mentioned it.

The Ballot Bill was read a Second Time. Mr. Gladstone, at some
length, explained how he had become a convert to the Ballot, and Mr.
Disraeli, in regretting that an important question of constitutional
politics should be brought on at the fag end of a Session, hardly
t hought Mr. Gladstone's reasons satisfactory, and blandly wondered
why he had never addressed them to his former chief, Lord Palmer-
ston, when he had denounced secret voting.

On the Bill for improving the Shannon, Mr. M'Laren ventured on
the enormous statement that the Caledonian Canal was a mistake.
Now, whether that lovely road into the loveliest country pays or
doesn't, is a detail quite beneath Mr. Punch's notice. But when he
recollects Mr. David Hutcheson's gigantic boats, the charming
brides who form a galaxy of beauty thereon, also the salmon cutlets,
the pleasant lounges and flirtations (not, of course, with brides), when
the boat is getting through locks, and the luxurious corners where you
smoke and gaze on glorious mountains and translucent waters, Mr.
Punch cannot hear a word against that Canal—would he were upon it
now ! Even that stupid bit where you are pulled by a horse ridden by
a cove in red, and idiotic Cockneys and provincials pitch halfpence to
the howling little savages (in the lowest and vulgarest spirit of snob-
bery, and to the disgust of travellers of the decent sort), is pleasant in
its way. No words against the Canal in the hearing of Mr. Punch.
Your health in a dram, Mr. M'Laben, and do not offend us.

Thursday. Earl Granville made a statement as to the war, and

showed, as was admitted by Lord Russell and Lobd Malmesbury,
that the English Government had done all in its power to prevent the
Crime. Moreover, Mr. Punch was delighted, though not surprised to
hear that his friend, Mr. Latard, had managed affairs at Madrid with
great enerey and judgment. Considering what trouble has been
caused to Mr. Punch by Mr. Layard's vacating a certain office, it says
much for the former's bounding and elastic nature that he can speak
thus cheerfully.

The Lords sent through Committee the Bill enabling clergymen who
have mistaken their vocation to adopt another, but knocked out the
clause which permitted them to return to the Church.

His Grace of Argyle gave us the Indian budget. We have heard that
there was a little friendly rivalry between the Duke and Mr. Grant
Duff as to who should be first with this statement, and that the latter
rather tried to steal a march on his chief, but took kindly a little hint
from his chief's chief. For the affair is dull enough, and for the official
who has to give the second edition of the Indian story, it is very up-
hill work. The Duke had a very small audience. Do you want to
know more of Indian finance than that Lord Salisbury thanked his
Grace for a statement that was both "interesting and satisfactory."
But it is clear that Government accounts are kept in a very odd fashion
in India, and that amazing blunders are made. Mr. Gourley asked
a question of importance. May English coal-vendors vend coal to
France or Prussia just now ? Answered the Attorney-General, that
in certain circumstances coal was contraband of war, but that sellers
must find out for themselves what those circumstances are. If Mr.
Punch's own valued legal adviser gave him no better answer about
coals, that excellent adviser would receive that which envelopes them
in their passage from wharf to cellar.

More Supply, and to Mr. Beresford Hope, who asked whether the
House was to have only forty-eight hours to consider where the
animals now at the British Museum should be put, Mr. Lowe re-
sponded that to his knowledge, Mr. Hope had been considering the
matter for seven years.

Friday. Lord Granville told the Lords that the French Ambas-
sador had given him the most solemn assurance that Prussia, and not
France, was the contriver of the Secret Treaty, and that the latter was
an innocent fly, enmeshed in the cobweb of the spider-Count. We
fancied that the Imperial type was a Bee, which would have been:—

" StiDging strongly to be free"—

but perhaps it is a Humble-Bee.

The Education Bill went through Committee with very little altera-
tion—none of importance, whereby Mr. Forster's tact was illustrated.
The Lords applauded mention of his name.

The Commons talked about Coals for the Navy, and got through the
Naval and Civil Service Estimates, passed the Census Bill, and got
away about half-past two in the morning. Prorogation is hoped to be
near; but mark this, Mr. Gladstone takes power to Summon Parlia-
ment back at Six Bays' Notice.

Gee "Woe, Wagner !

A Solo by Mr. Crusty, after hearing a Selection from the Opera of

Tannhiiuser.

" The music of the future," eh ?

Well, some may think it pleasant!
But when such trash again they play,
I '11 for the future hope I may

Not be among the present!

No Bombast.

Louis Napoleon has equalled, if not his Uncle, at least somebody
very like him. The following words conclude the proclamation which
he commissioned Eugenie to read to the Frency Navy:—

" Go, then, display with pride your nation-al colours. In seeing the tri-
coloured flag waving above our vessels of war, the enemy will know that
everywhere it carries in its folds the honour and glory of France."

Nothing finer or more characteristic than this was ever said in the
very palmiest days of the old Astley's Theatre by the great Gomersal.

From the Streets.

A Street Conjuror complained the other day that he couldn't throw
the knives and balls about, because he did not, feel in the vein.
" In what vein ? " asked a bystander, weakly.
" The juggler vein, of course, stupid !" was the answer.

[The bystander retired.

Why is a London dustman like the Goddess of War ? Because he
is a Bell-owner. Explanation : Bellona.