Punch (59.1870)

96

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [September 3, 1870,

SO SAID HER RIVAL.

No doubt the Sun and Sea-Air ark conducive to general
Health, but here is Miss Lillie Whytb's Complexion com-
pletely Spoiled the very Morning beeoke the Monthly Ball.

" She can afford it." (So said her Lover.)

HOW WE SPEND OUR HOLIDAYS.

Thanks to the war, we English are unable to take our walks abroad
this autumn, and this is how we, some of us, are trying to enjoy
ourselves :—

Mr. Daddie Longlegs and liis friend, Mr. Stumper, have started
for a walk from London to the Land's End, resuming via John o'
Groit's House. When last heard of, they had reached as far as Jack
Straw's Castle, Hampstead, where they had been resting for upwards
of a fortnight, and strengthening their muscles daily with the manly
game of skittles.

Mr. Lee Skuppers has been yachting, as he calls it, in a pleasure-
boat at Ramsgate, and purchasing a reputation for nautical experience,
at the moderate expense of half-a-crown an hour.

Professor Muddlewits has been enjoying a week's fishing in
his water-butt, and is now engaged in microscopically examining the
treasures of the deep which he has managed to collect.

Mrs. Stalker and her daughters are out heir-hunting at Cowes, her
last season in London having yielded her bad sport.

Mr. Alpine Cltjrbe has twice made the ascent of Primrose Hill,
while waiting for the chance to take his alpenstock abroad, and there
eiijoy a foreign climb.

Mr. Toadie is residing at a boarding-house in Bath, where he runs
on errands hourly for a rich old maiden aunt.

Mrs. Bouncer's "young man" having a day's holiday, embraced
the opportunity and his Cousin Mary, whom he gallantly escorted,
with her grandmother, to Greenwich, and played at kiss in ihering
until the time for tea and s'rimps.

Mr. Swotter has made one of a reading set this autumn. Their
daily hours for study are from twelve till two, with an interval of five
and thirty minutes for refreshment.

The Misses Symper, and their "Ma," are now enjoying a delightful
holiday at Margate. Their principal amusements are bobbing up and
down in a foot and a half of water for three-quarters of an hour,
and promenading on the pier with their back hair down to dry ; also
devouring trashy novels at the rate of three a day, scampering to the
steamboats to see the people come on shore, and on gala-days enjoying
the luxury of a donkey's gallop on the beach.

Messrs. Dunderhead and Boobie, and a lot of other members of

the Slaughterborough Sparrow Club, have spent their spare time lately
in butchering small birds, shooting more than twenty dozen of them
daily out of traps.

Mr. Joseph Buggins, having generously promised his "old
woman" a day out, fulfilled his word last Wednesday by driving her
to Kew, and giving her a sumptuous repast of tea and periwinkles.

Mr. Flycatcher has taken a hunting-box at Penmaenmaur, for the
purpose of enjoying the pleasures of the chase. His best day's bag last
week, consisted of three blue-bottles, two beetles, and a cockchafer, in
the pursuit of which last creature he stumbled on a wasps' nest, from
the effects of which encounter he has since been kept indoors.

Mr. Toottler is now spending his holiday upon Salisbury Plain,
having wisely pitched a tent there for practising the flute.

The Masters Tagg, IIagg, and Bobtail, having a holiday last
Monday, left their family mansions directly after breakfast, and spent
the day out in the streets iu turning head-over-heelers, and inviting
passers-by to remember the grotto.

Mr. Cuttie having gone to the sea-side to benefit his health, is
carrying out his object by consuming some two ounces of tobacco
every day, and playing billiards nightly until nearly three o'clock.

Miss Elirtlngton and her sister have just started off for Scar-
borough, to spend a fortnight with their aunt. Their modest luggage
consisted of only fourteen boxes, five bags, and two pet dogs.

WAR NOTES.

That is, the only kind op Notes por which Mr. Punch can
find Space during the present Crisis. The Charge to his-
Correspondents is Eive Guineas per line.

Dear Punch,

Jp i asked the author of Handsome is that Handsome Does to
Lend me Five Shillings, and he replied (as I dare say he would)/'//
Sleep Upon It, why should I be like another of his plays ? Because I
should be 'Twixt Ax and Grown. yourSj self.complacently,

A Wag.

Respected Mr. Punch,

Why is your black cat like a certain Belgian railway ?
Because she is Sombre, and Mews. Yours truly,

Eelis et Eelix.

Punch,

In Jersey we have just fined an Ironmonger £64 and costs,
for having too much gunpowder on his premises, to the peril of his
neighbours. What a howl ihere would be if Magistrates in England
dared to serve out in this way " a respectable tradesman," who had
only put a few score lives in danger. Come, you often pitch into us
Channel Islanders—say a good wurd for us now, old boy.

Your3 respectfully,
St. Helier's. Haro.
Dear Punch,

Send me a Fiver for reporting this dialogue,—it actually
passed. I inclose you my card, which proves the fact;—
Jones. Hallo, where have you been ?

Brown. Oh, I've had a capital walk up to the Welsh Harp, and such
a jolly lunch there.
Jones. Of course—your appetite was Welsh-harpened. Good, eh ?

Yours truly,

Tappy.

Dear Punch,

1 dare say some "Moke" (well said, Sir) will send you this
"joke" next week. 1 hasten to anticipate Asinus :—

"The Prussians at Strasbourg are diverting the 111."

Of course you'll be told that this is in keeping with the excellent
medical doctrine that patients should be amused.

Ever yours,

A Biled Owl.

Quills in a Flutter.

Birds, such as saved the Capitol of Rome,
Keep up a clamour of alarm at home;
That well-meant cackle is too loud and clear—
They make a noise which all our neighbours hear.

a desideratum.

What France wants, more than anything else in her Chamber just
now, are "Deputies of the Right"—sort.