Punch (59.1870)

168

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 22, 1870.

COMFORTABLE THEATRES.

My dear Punch,

Now that Paris has become the theatre of war, we hear that
every other theatre in Paris has been shut. Paris without plays is as
wondrous to imagine as a workhouse without work : and it is difficult
to guess if the effects of this theatrical bereavement will in Paris or in
London be the more acutely felt. For how can our poor managers
get on-without French pieces? And there will be no French pieces
to be brought out till the peace. If there be no open theatres there
can be no new French plays; and if there be no new French plays
there can be no translations of them, and what on earth are British
managers to do in this sad case ? A modern French piece, well sup-
plied with the indelicacies of the season, has been played as a sure card
to win a virtuous British audience ; and what sort of an audience can
be won without such cards ?

Suppose, now, that a manager conceived the happy thought of
attending just a little to the comfort of the public, and thereby atoning
for the loss of French attractions on his stage. It seems a wild idea
to think of any comfort in a theatre : still the notion may be realised
with vastly little trouble, and might be found productive of consider-
able gain. Let men have room to stretch their legs, and not be forced
to stretch their necks if they want to see the stage. Let them sit no
longer cramped and crammed together, and let them not be worried by
boxkeepers and coatkeepers, all clamorous for fees. No longer let a
man who pays five shillings for a stall be charged a shilling more for
having it reserved for him, and another shilling still for being shown into
his seat. What would you say, I wonder, when purchasing a beefsteak
or a pair of gloves, if the shopman were to ask you for a shilling for
himself ?

Moreover, let the audience have playbills given gratis, and let the
music of the band be a trifle more subdued, and not obtrusive upon
ears which have quite enough to do to listen to the play. Half our
orchestras appear now to consider it their duty to deafen half their
audience before the play begins : and, throughout the entr'actes, instead
of playing softly to tempt people to talk, they kick up such a row that
nobody can hear a word of what is said.

Workhouse reform has been pretty loudly called for, and playhouse
reform may likewise be thought needful. Little nuisances like those
"which I have gently hinted at may often prove great hindrances to
i keep folks from the play. In spite of them, good authorship and
acting will doubtless prove attractive; but in competing with the pot-
house or its equivalent the music-hall, there must be increased atten-
tion to the comfort of the playhouse.

Wishing managers the wisdom to profit by my hints, believe me,

Yours in all serenity,

Saturday. Solomon Solon Smith.

THE KOYAL MARRIAGE.

Various Reports.—It was whispered in well-informed circles (long
before the truth was known) that the Princess Louise was to be-
married to a Bishop. This, of course, is soon cleared up ; it was the
mention of J.ome that led to the mistake.

Again.—It was said that a great Croquet Match was on the tapis at
Balmoral, in which Princess Louise was to rake a prominent party.
This arose from the fact of there being a Lome Party constantly at the
Highland Royal Residence.

Anecdote.—The Princess Louise is remarkable for her studious-
habits and her neat wit. Knowing David Copperfield by heart, Her
Royal Highness lately asked Mr. P. . ch (who shall be nameless in these
columns), " Why the Marquis was likely to propose for her hand? "

Mr. P. . ch, of course, gave it up.

"Because," said her Gracious Goodness, "he is like Mrs. Gum-
midge."

The Right Hon. Mr. P. . ch laughed, but being evidently expected
to pursue the subject farther, submitted to H. R.H. The Princess that
he {Mr. P.) did not exactly see why the Marquis resembles Mrs.

Gummidge.

" Because," answered the dear Princess, " he is Lone and Lorne."
i Whereupon, hearing her Mamma call, she left the right hon. gentleman
j to himself and his note-book.

Notice to Correspondents.

Already the anticipated storm has begun. Mr. Punch has received
forty-nine letters enclosing witticisms, the " point" of which is that
his respected and beloved Princess is

"All For-Lorn."

He hereby gives notice that, as a loyal subject of the Reigning
House, and as an indignant member of the Republic of Literature, he
not only rejects all such rubbish, but designs a dire revenge on al
persons who shall presume to send such impertinence. Respect this.

PENAL REFORM DEMONSTRATION.
♦

Georgia, U.S., is a State which has gone very far a-head on the
path of progress in penal science, if its criminal law altogether is as
adequate to the correction of offenders as that part of it designed to
check the adulteration of food and drink. In a paper, treating of
legislation on that subject, read at the Social Science Congress by
Mr. Phillips Bevan, it was stated that:—

"In Georgia every brewer, distiller, grocer, merchant, or other person
selling pernicious or adulterated food and drink, and also all accessories after
the fact, are liable to a fine up to one thousand dollars, imprisonment up to
six months, whipping up to thirty-nine lashes, and to work in a chain gang
up to twelve months."

This interesting information appears to have escaped the notice of
the Land and Labour League. The adulteration of food and drink is
a crime by which the working-classes suffer especially. It is the
British Working-Man, and the British Working-Woman, with their
families, who, more than any other people, are cheated whilst they are
poisoned by the fraudulent grocer and publican. The example of <a
principal State in the Model Republic should commend itself to
organisers and leaders of Republican demonstrations. Perhaps MM.
Odger, Lucraet, Bradlaugh, and the other Chiefs of the above-
named Association, will presently get up a Penal Reform Demonstra-
tion over the Water, meeting the Land and Labour Leaguers at the
Obelisk by the Surrey Theatre, and thence marching at the head of
them, with bands of music playing and banners flying, to Downing
Street there to visit Mr. Gladstone, and order him as soon as possible
to bring before Parliament a Bill for subjecting dishonest shopkeepers,
convicted of adulteration of provisions and liquors, to the chastisement
of whipping. Should the Premier object that the lash is a degrading
infliction, they may reply that, to nullify that objection, the pillory
might be revived and superadded to the cat-o'-nine tails, because the
•punishment of the pillory, at any rate, is an elevating one._ By making
a demonstration in demand of a measure particularly desirable for the
working-classes, M. Odger and his associates would be minding their
own business.

Neutrality in a Nutshell.

Bernstorff. It is very unfriendly of you to export arms to France
during this War.

Granville. Wasn't it very unfriendly of you, during the Crimean
War, to export arms to Russia ?

Bernstorff. O, but that's no reason why you shouldn't do as you'd
be done by!

Diamonds of the Caee.—Intelligent Policemen.