Punch (59.1870)

198

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI. [November 12, 1870.

MILITARY ENJOYMENT.

ith regard to our pro-
posed military reorgani-
sation, an article in the
Morning Post contains
the following remark :—

" We have never enjoyed
a system under which, it
would he possible at once
and at any time to put into
the field, and to maintain
in its strength, a large and
reliable army."

,No, we certainly never
have enjoyed such a sys-
tem, and it is most cer-
tain we never shall. It
may, indeed, be that a
system of that descrip-
tion will, one of these
days be established by
an efficient British Gov-
ernment. But when we
have got it, we shall cer-
tainly not enjoy it. We,
the people at large, every
one of us, shall have
either to serve in the
large and trustworthy
(not to talk Yankee) army which that system will have provided us with, or else
to pay for it—perhaps to do both. We shall enjoy neither of these necessities; and
the two together will amount to an unspeakable bore. People who enjoy soldiering
are peculiarly constituted. They are either insensible to the pain and inconveni-
ence which the rest of mankind experience from wounds and mutilations, or in-
capable of conceiving unpleasant sensations before they actually feel them. Those
who enjoy soldiering also enjoy cold, hunger, and fatigue, or at least contemplate
the endurance of those incidents to it with unconcern :—

" I do agnize
A natural and prompt alacrity
I find in hardness."

Everybody who enjoys soldiering must agnize the same alacrity as General
Othello. But the greater part of us agnize no such thing. We mostly agnize a
natural and prompt alacrity in eating, drinking, sleeping, smoking, and otherwise
gratifying desires and tastes, which, though some of them intellectual and moral,
are all related to a general quality of objects which is essentially softness. If we
become a nation of soldiers, we shall not thank the foreigners, whose truculent
and rapacious propensities will have forced us thereto, for any enjoyment.
Suffering will be our lot under any military system on a scale extensive enough
to furnish us with an army nearly as large as one of theirs, and equal to keeping
down the dangerous classes abroad,—in other words the chief European nations.
We shall enjoy that system of military organisation as much, and as completely,
as an invalid enjoys bad health.

An American philanthropist has appeared amongst us who
is longing to add a piece to the height of man and woman;
another of equal benevolence and power will, doubtless,
soon come over, who, for "a stamped directed envelope"
will be as ready and able to take a piece off.

GREiT NEWS FOR LITTLE PEOPLE.

TO SHORT PERSONS.—Any one (Male or Female) wishing to increase in
Height and Symmetry of Figure, by means of a remarkable physiological discover) ,
mav send a stamped directed envelope to Captain ***** (U.S.), * * * * London
N.W.

How to grow stout, how to grow thin, how to secure a beautiful complexion,
how to preserve a luxuriant head of hair, how to get rid of blotches, pimples,

freckles, warts, and other distracting blemishes, how to prevent sea-sickness, how " SPEAK UP !

to guard our eyes, our ears, our hands, our feet, our skin, our teeth, and our iyrR p^v^Tr
voice, from a thousand and one imperfections—we have all been advertised over '
and over again, until it seemed as though there was no natural defect left for the 1 BEG .t0 inform you that I went the other day

ingenuity of man to remedy. to see the Midsummer Night's Dream at the Queen's

We were mistaken, for here is an American Captain (U.S. stands for United Theatre, Long Acre. I also went to hear it. I heard it
States, not for Under Size), from Long Island, we suppose, who, in exchange on^J verv partially. Some of the performers didn't speak
for the modest fee of "a stamped directed envelope," is eager to instruct those out. They were inaudible in the balcony; where I was.
of us who are troubled with shortness of stature, who are living on, dumpy and
stumpy—it may be with darkened prospects and blighted affections, all through
the affliction, hitherto thought to be incurable, of'five feet four—how to grow
taller, how "to increase in height and symmetry of figure," how to escape the
gibes and jeers which are cast on the small and lowly, how to qualify for the Army,
the Police. the Constabulary, how—greatest happiness of all—to become acceptable
to those lair, capricious beings who have a passion for six feet, and so snub and
discourage little men that they are driven to despair and high heels. "High
heels "—perhaps that is Captain * * * * * >s specific: if so, the bootmaker will
supply it without the formality of "a stamped directed envelope."
There is only one more "physiological discovery" to be made—how to grow

THE FAINT OF FASHION.

Suppose the Pope, or Lama Grand,

Lay comatose in bed,
And there was no one to command

His people in his stead,—
The faithful, then, in either case,

Would in a hole abide,
The like whereof is Woman's place

In all the world so wide.

In Paris, Fashion's High Priestess,

Now prostrate in a swoon,
No longer dictates change of dress

At every change of moon.
Beleaguering German hosts enfold

Her Apostolic See;
It in abeyance you behold,

While senseless there lies she.

With peace, however, she '11 come to,

And then resume her reign.
Perhaps an era may ensue

Of vesture neat and plain.
Because it doth to reason stand,

Her sway if she resume,
Her nation's War Bill will demand

Retrenchment of costume.

The flighty and fantastic tire

Will probably subside,
Congruity must needs require

Head-gear to dress allied.
Preposterous top-knots may be cheap,

For all their bands and bows,
But will not in accordance keep

With reasonable clothes.

And high heels, likewise, will be put,

On that account, aloof,
And cease to give a damsel's foot

The semblance of a hoof.
Nature will undisfigured grace

From top to toe display;
The powder banished from the face:

The rouge-pot thrown away.

Who knows, indeed, France having been

In War severely schooled,
But that her garb will match her mien;

By sober taste be ruled ?
That Fashion will have grown demure,

Will cut all fal-lals down,
To bonnet black, from trimmings pure,
And Quaker shawl and gown ?

I won't name names : for a hint is as good as a criticism to
any sensible young lady, whose lisp may be charming in
society, but is a bore on the stage. The Midsummer
Night's Bream is splendidly got up ; the scenery is magni-
ficent, and the dresses are superb; but what is all that if,
in case you had never read the play, you would, for all
you could hear, at times not know but that you were
listening, or rather trying to listen to a gorgeous bur-
lesque ? I feel I have a right to ask this question, because
I did not go to criticise the performance with an eleemosy-
nary order, but went to see it, and paid my money, like

shorter. Let not the inconveniently tall, the gawkies, the Maypoles, despair. | A Max.