Punch (69.1875)

August 2i, 1875.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

65

"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER."

Bookseller (to Lanarkshire Country Gentleman who had brought his back Numbers
to be bound). " Would you like ibem done in ' Russia ' or ' Mokocco,' Sik ?"
Old Gentleman. " Na, never maind aboot Rooshy or Moroccy. I'll just

hae 'em boond in GlASGY here ! "

A PRETTY KETTLE OF FISH.

Mr. Punch has much pleasure iu giving: the menu
of the Ministerial Whitebait Dinner. It will be seen
at once that the following- Bill of Fare must be authentic.
In spite of this, Mr. Punch declines to hold himself
responsible for either the broken English or the shattered
French of the very interesting document in question.

Potage.

Broth a la Trop de Cuisiniers.
Poissons.

Plim-sol a la Merchants-Shipping-Acte
Place a la Cabinet.
Eels a la taetique du Monsieur Disraeli.

Mull-it a la Session, 1875.
White-bait a l'Expedition de North-Pol.

Entrees.

Calf 's-head in torture a la Majorite Conservative.

Bubble and Squeak a la Oueen's-speech.
Epigram of Sweetbread a l'explication uu Premier.

Pots.

Roasted Beef a la pauvre Monsieur John-Bull.
Goose a la Tory Innocent.

Legumes.
Irish Potatoes a l'eau chaude.
Scarlet Runners a la standard-five-foot-one.

Entremet.

Cabinet Pudding a la so-many-thousand-pounds-a-year.

P)essert.

Fruits of the Session a la Chateau-en-Espagne.

Melody and Memory.

According to a report of the Centenary celebration
diuner the other day at Dublin, the memory of O'Connell
was drunk with due solemnity :—

" One of the guests then sang with fine effect ' The Harp that
once through Tara's Sails,' -with an accompaniment on the
harp."

De mortuis nil nisi bonum. But is not the memory of
O'Connell associated with rather more than Tara,
namely, with taradiddles ?

MR, PUNCH'S E AIL WAY GUIDE.

(Compiled for the Use of Tourists, Excursionists, and others.)

Hints about Ticket Taking.

Beeore purchasing your ticket, it will be as well to accustom
yourself to the manners and modes of address of the Booking Clerks.
This task may be easily accomplished by a series of early morning
strolls in the celebrated Fish Market, Billingsgate.

Never address a Clerk when he is relating an anecdote to a col-
league. If you do, you may very possibly spoil the point of his
story, and consequently subject yourself to a not-to-be-unexpected
display of official insolence.

If you have to receive any change, you will find a weighing-
machine (Troy weights) and a bottle of aquafortis very valuable.

Station Suggestions.

If you are fond of walking upon the platform, be careful to wear
india-rubber buffers attached to the toes of your boots. At this
season of the year you will find luggage-trucks rather heavily laden.

If you are fond of ladies' society, ask the Guard to put you into a
smoking-carriage.

If you wish to save your hat from being sat upon, your coat from
being torn, and your legs from being kicked, do not get into a com-
partment occupied by children come home for the holidays.

Necessary Preparations for the Incidents of Travel.

You should choose a seat in a carriage as near as possible to the
engine, to avoid a lingering death.

As an ample amount of luggage is permitted to passengers on
English Railways, you should always tie up your coffin with your
sticks and umbrellas.

Never forget to insure your life. The trifling outlay will probably
be' returned a thousand-fold to you, or rather to your heirs, exe-
cutors, and assigns.

Something about Railway Refreshments.

If you propose to lunch on your journey, a small hand-saw will
be found very useful in cutting up fowls and sandwiches.

Never neglect befure starting to consult your Doctor as to the best
antidote to Railway Refreshment-Room Sherry.

Buns should be well soaked in water before they are eaten by
travellers with tender teeth.

If you have determined upon drinking a glass of ale, see that you
have time to wait for the next train before you ask that the beverage
in question may be served to you. A speaking-trumpet is some-
times useful in attracting the attention of the persons behind the
counter—sometimes—not always.

Railway Law.

In the eyes of the law railway travelling is not considered as an
attempt to commit suicide. This strange view of the matter has
been adopted by all the Coroners' Juries who have sat upon victims
to railway accidents. A verdict of Temporary Insanity" has
consequently never yet been recorded in cases of this sort.

Railway Reading.

A short course of gymnastics will be useful as a preparation to
reading a large-print novel in a train, an hour and a half late,
making up for lost time.

Persons subject to nervous excitement, melancholia, or hysterics,
should never attempt to understand Braclshaw.

Mr. Punches Golden Rule —a Sequel to the Above.
Travellers should as seldom as possible travel by Railway !

an old provebb newlt applied.

A sporting friend has lately had a favourite racer photographed,
and wishing to show the animal its likeness, he put the Carte before
the Horse.

vol. lxix.

T!