Punch (69.1875)

November 13, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

193

"THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH," &c.

Affable Parson (in Yorkshire Train). " And what Kace-Horse do you think

will win the St. LeGER stakes to-day, SlB ? "

Bookmaker. "'Blest if I know!—'wish I did. 'Think Legrange will

about pull it off. I can accommodate you to a pony, if you like, y'

know. But " (seeing no chance of a bet) " it mayn't be bad Business to flutter

a bit on the other foreigners, and to take the odds to a quid OR two
against the fyfield ptck, and bates's best for a place ! ! "

[Clerical Gent "gives it up," and retires behind his "Times."

OUR HEROES.

"What shall we do with our Heroes ? Say !

" Whatever you please, so you make them pay ! "

Cries the Valet-Yoice. It has changed its tone,

For the Valet-soul has sagacious grown,

And learnt that its venal shouts and cheers

Turn prompter pennies than flouts and sneers.

It has dropped " pooh-poohs" with extreme content

Since praise got quoted at cent, per cent.

What shall we do with our Heroes stout ?
Pose them in public, and make them spout!
In public let them be filed and fed—
The sight should pay at a shilling a head.
Walk up! Walk up ! Let the long-eared see
How Heroes dine. Bid the Daily T.
Grow dithyrambie, and bardlings rush
To greet our Heroes with floods of gush !

What imports, though the hero shines

Little enough when he talks, or dines ?

What imports, if his finest points

Scarce come out over jugs or joints ?

Bid him perorate, make him feast,

Though he mayn't pose well, he will pay at least.

And gifts most needed to face his foeman,

Are scarcely those that best suit his Showman.

A double debt to our "Braves" we owe-
First in the battle, then in the Show.
Here's to the man who can fight and feed !
With the gift of the gab for the hour of need.
" Honour " the Hero's mistress ? Nay,
Huckster and Humbug have him in pay.
Wouldn't a Bayard be glad and proud,
Trotted out for a holiday crowd ?

Who would not yearn a Hero to be,

To live on the lips of Sir Fiddle Dedee ?

To be gushed o'er in prose and invoked in verse,

And—help to replenish a caterer's purse ?

A shilling a day, an occasional feed,

And much tall talk is Our Heroes' meed.

'Tis fine to be brave, but better, no doubt,

To be up to the role of the Hero's Tout!

What shall we do with Our Heroes ? Nay !
The problem's solved in the prettiest way.
They find their Kudos, at life's grey close,
In penny papers and public shows !
To " Hero Worship " one chapter add,—
How shall we name it—" Hero " or " Cad " ?
It's coming to that in our glorious Isle :
What do you think of it, Thomas Carlyle ?

THE ART OF NOMENCLATURE.

By Cog Nomen, Esq., Prenomen Place, near Agnomen.

The Art of the Nomenclator has been neglected in these modern
days. There seems good reason for calling attention to its great
importance. A few hints on the subject may lead to its scientific
investigation. Names have a great influence on destiny.

i?oys.—Call a boy John, and he will be steady ; call him Charles,
and he will deviate into Charley, and go in for flirtation. It is to
be remarked that Messrs. Smith, Brown, and Jones are fond of
christening their sons Stanley, Howard, Clinton, Grosvenor,
though they have no claim to connection with those noble families.
Howard Smith is a queer combination. Why not go to earlier
traditions ? As thus :

For the son of a Statesman named Smith— Pericles Smith.

For the son of a Poet named Smith—Homer Smith.

For the son of a Doctor Smith—iEscuLAPius Smith.

For the son of a Soldier Smith—Achilles Smith.

For the son of a Democrat Smith—Thersites Kenealy Smith.
And so on, to the end of a very long chapter indeed.

Girls.—Difficult. All questions about girls Mr. Punch finds
uncommonly difficult. Would you, pretty reader of this column,
rather be Kate or Kezia, Jessy or Jemima, Amy or Amelia, Lily
or Luctnda, Sally or Sophonisba ? Ponder this momentous ques-
tion, for upon it depends the opinion of you held by that Arbiter
Puellarum who dwells at 85, Fleet Street. Mr. Punch likes to give
girls names of poetic form. A famous Poet called his daughter
Rotha, after the river which flowed beneath Rydal Mount. And
may not fair christenings be found in English poetry ? Have not

Spenser's Una, and Shakspeare's Rosalind, and Jonson's Earine,
a right to be remembered?

Streets.—The two chief streets of a certain English city are Wine
and Corn Streets. Cood. But the old London names are good also.
Piccadilly may be connected with peccadilloes : Punch can't say.
Pall Mall recalls the pleasant game of ball played by the gayest of
our kings. The Strand was once the shore of Thames ; through
Holborn ran the Old Bourne ; once there was a gate to commemorate
King Lud. Can't modern folk be similarly commemorated ? We
seem to have lost our inventive faculty—all of us, save Mr. Punch,
who means to amaze the City with Punch Buildings, and get Apollo
and half-a-dozen other gods to meet the Lord Mayor and Aldermen
when the great College of Wit is opened.

Dogs.—Rover, Lion, Neptune, Dash, are among the stupid old
name's for dogs which have become stereotyped. Inventive people
have other names. Mr. Punch has his ancient immortal canine
comrade, Toby, who in days to come will be transfigured to the skies
as Canis Maximus, Cams Major being utterly eclipsed. This, of
course, will be coincident with Punch's own apotheosis, the date
whereof depends very much on the arrangements to be made between
Olympus and No. 85.

Maid-Servants.—Fair Luctlla ought to have her name legibly
written on her face. Polly and Sally and Sukey materially differ.
But are there any Pollies and Sallies and Sukeys now ? Not a bit
of it. Miss Marianne comes as Cook, Miss Sara as Housemaid,
Miss Susanna as Lady's-Maid—all in the latest fashionable attire.
The mistress who is deciding whether or not to engage them gets
many a wrinkle about the latest fashions from their elegant costume.

The Largest-sized Turkey Sponge.—The Sultan.

VOL. LXIX.

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