Punch (69.1875)

October 23, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 159

P*. AshattAn'r*

THOSE TERRIBLE TURKS!

"Mr dear Fellow, tour's Looking quite Bltje. "What is it? Indigo?"
"No. Turks."

"OUB BULWARKS ON THE BRINE."

On Seamanship when Sailors disagree
How can John Bull expect to fare at sea'?
Fault sinks a ship; on whom should censureff all ?
Chiefs judging Chiefs, are snubbed by Chiefs of all.
Our Sires could trust their Navy. Are their sons
As safe with Ironclads and monster guns ?
In time of war protection we must owe
To ships which may be foundered at a blow.
Then, if we wish in ease at home to dwell,
Commanded they need be, and handled, well,
Now that the day of wooden walls is o'er,
And Jack can board his enemy no more,
But they will conquer who the best can steer,
And fight the battles of the Engineer,
The Fleet whereon our sole insurance lies
Would be well officered, if fools were wise'!
There, with the Navy to construct anew,
May be some room for " reconstruction" too.

But where will Admirals, conflicting, end ?
How far does " unseaworthiness " extend ?
Our iron walls are 'gainst teredo good ;
But has that insect not bored heads of wood ?

These thoughts may somewhat tend to waken fears,
"Which bid us cry, " Call out the Volunteers !
Them with the regular troops in camps combine,
And double the Militia and the Line,
To fight for hearth and home as best we can,
Now Vanguards can no longer guard our* van."

But Seamen, as to seamanship at sea,
In one particular at least agree ;
" My Lords " and the Court-Martial, all the same,
A culprit both condemn to bear the blame.
To whom "My Lords," not erring on the side
Of legal usage, add a man untried.
For half a million sunk the waves below,
Two ruined officers we have to show—
No single scapegoat his superiors saves:
LoDg may we sing, " Britannia rules the waves."

The "Worst Result of Vivisection.—Eve." {By an
incorrigible Old Bachelor', ivho is hiding himself for fear
of consequences.)

BEYOND A JOKE.

Scene—A Board-Room in Whitehall, Naval Lords in Council.

A Naval Lord. Ha! ha! ha! The best things I have heard for
years. Ha! ha ! ha! You will be the death of me!

Another Naval Lord. We have had a fine time of it! Ha ! ha !
ha! [Roars of sympathetic laughter from other Naval Lords.

Enter Mr. Punch.

Mr. Punch. I beg your pardon—perhaps you are busy ?

A Naval Lord. Not at all, my dear Sir, not at all. "We have
nothing particular to do at this moment for a wonder.

Another Naval Lord. I say, tell him that good story—you know,
the one about the Niggers. Now do. It will make him roar.

Other Naval Lords {to Mr. Punch). The funniest thing you ever
heard. Ha! ha! ha!

Mr. Punch. Perhaps it was reported in the papers ?

A Naval Lord. I don't know. Why, bless you, my dear Sir, we
never read the papers. But there, I will tell you the story, and if
it doesn't make you shriek, well—I was talking to these fellows
about that affair on the Solent. One of our ships ran down a yacht,
don't you know, caused a couple of inquests, and then we said that
the matter wasn't of sufficient importance to call for any official
investigation! Wasn't that good ? Ha! ha! ha!

Other Naval Lords. Ha! ha ! ha! Eh ?

Mr. Punch. Hum!

A Naval Lord. What! It doesn't make you laugh! "Well,
here's another story. "We got a Paymaster (on full pay) to come
up to Town to draw up a Circular. He was a Barrister, don't you
know, and he drew up such a Circular! He said that Captains
commanding Her Majesty's Ships must give up fugitive slaves
seeking freedom under the shadow of the Union Jack! "Well, we
sent it out, and it made such a row! Ha! ha! ha!

Other Naval Lords. Ha! ha! ha! Oood, eh ?

Mr. Punch. Hum ! !

A Naval Lord. Why, that doesn't make you laugh, either ! How
dull you are!

Another Naval Lord. Tell him about that ship—what was her
name ? The one you know we put in this month's Navy List with
a note saying that she was at the bottom of the sea. Ha ! ha! ha !

A Naval Lord. Ha! ha! ha ! You mean the Vanguard.

Another Naval Lord. That's it. Ha! ha I ha! The Vanguard.
{To Mr. Punch.) Now this will make you roar.

A Naval Lord. Well, Sir, a squadron of Ironclads went into a
fog, by order of the Admiral in command, at full speed! Funny
notion, wasn't it ? Ha! ha! ha! Well, one of the ships, having
no fog signal (a capital joke that was too—wasn't it?), ran into
another ship, and—ha I ha ! ha!—ship No. Two went to the bottom!
Wasn't that a joke ? Ha! ha! ha!

Other Naval Lords. Ha! ha ! ha ! Go on.

A Naval Lord {with difficulty suppressing his merriment). Well,
Sir, of course there was a Court Martial, and the verdict was
" Guilty " against the Captain of ship No. Two, and (as a rider)
"Guilty" against the Captain of ship No. One, and "Guilty"
against the Admiral in command of the squadron. And what do
you think we did ? Ha! ha ! ha ! You will never guess !

Another Naval Lord {shrieking with laughter). Tell him, tell
him!

A Naval Lord. Why, Sir, we did—nothing! Now, wasn't that
a joke ? Ha ! ha ! ha! Wasn't that a joke ?
Mr. Punch. Hum! ! !
[Exit Mr. Punch abruptly, so that the stage may be left clear
for the appearance of Mr. John Bull. Mr. John Bull
is expected to do his duty.

Hope and Heterodoxy.

From a letter in the Times, signed "Plunket," it appears that
Mr. Beresford Hope is anxious that the Irish Church '' would
replace in its rubric the damnatory clauses of the Athanasian Creed "
—which though it retains on paper, it has determined shall no
longer be read.. No Hope for anyone who cannot accept the whole of
Athanasius' dogmas, " damnatory " and all. No Hope for the hete-
rodox !

voi,. lxtx.

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