Punch (69.1875)

January 1, 1876.]. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 273

A CHF^SSTP^AS CANARD. ■
FRA Po.LiClMEL

h ebe are such
things — though
Turkey is bird
of the season'- In
the name of the
profit—Figs! also
raisins, cut rants,
and candied peel
in this Christ-
mas-pudding time. These commodities just now are specially
profitable to grocers. Nor these alone. Amongst other good things
your Grocer retails you beverages more or less appropriate to
Christmas fare; notably that "intoxicating liquor," Gladstone,
the variety of Bordeaux for which humble consumers are indebted to
the considerate legislation of the ex-PuEMiER, besides other wines,
of home and foreign make, and even spirituous cordial's and com-
pounds of more or less alcoholic strength. Rumour has actually
dared to say that an endeavour to arrest the issue of grocers' wine and
spirit licences is meditated by a no less respectable' and reasonable
body than the Church of England Temperance Society. This report
is manifestly a canard of the wildest kind—doubtless "a thing
devis edby the enemy ; " perhaps a calumny o'oncocted by certain of
the less scrupulous of our Dissenting brethren. Moderation is the'
peculiar merit of the Church of England. ' The moderation of her
Clergy is known to all men, especially those who ask: them to dine,
or are privileged to be their fellow-guests. In drink ais well as
doctrine she professes the via meaty—holds an even course between
Mynheer van Dunk and Archbishop Manning. To represent the
Church of England Temperance Society as outheroding the United
Kingdom Alliance, would be to discredit the Church as to her most
cherished virtue, were the base attempt'successful.' But the slander
is too absurd. " ' •' ' • ■ -

- Nevertheless it has been as positively as shamelessly asserted that
the Temperance Society of the distinctively moderate Church has
already drafted a Bill for'the suspension of the further issue of
Grocers' licences for the sale of "intoxicants," and the suspension,
likewise, of any further issue of public and beerhouse licences until
the limit shall have been reached of one in five hundred of the
population.^ The names, even, of the Members destined to have
charge of this Bill for weaning the naughty People from their drink-
ing ways, are mentioned—Sib Habcottbt Johnstone and Ma. Hugh
Bibley. If these preposterous announcements were true, what lots
of petitions would be got up by short-sighted grocers and publicans
on behalf of a Bill the chief effect of which, if enacted, would be
that of temporarily enriching themselves by a fat monopoly! In
the meanwhile, to be sure, the debates on the Bill iu the House of,
Commons on Crotchet Day (of course) Wednesday, Wilfrid's-day,
could possibly do no harm. The two Honourable Members above-
named, indeed, would make fools of themselves too, though in
talking to no purpose only, and not at the same time amusing the
House; but still their project of a sumptuarylaw would afford some
diversion to Sir Wilfbid Lawson's Permissive Bill.

It is remarkable, though, how extremes meet. Restrictive liquor-
laws are followed, according to their promoters declaiming on the

teetotal platform, by increasing drunkenness. Therefore fanatics
shriek for further legislation iu the same spirit of " democratic des-
potism." They roar, a3 it were, for the drunkard's restorative, " a
hair of the dog that bit you " ; their cry, so to speak, is " Pick-me-

up ! "

The Church of England Temperance Society, at any rate, needs
not to be told that the licensed grocer's shop is a counter-attraction
to the public-house bar, and that iu the former at least no one can
get drunk on the premises, so that it is an utterly false joke to say
that grocers' licences only facilitate a grosser kind of intoxication.

PU.rJOH/S PROPHECIES PGK 1878.

Thebe will be a great many births, unaccompanied by any very
large amount of rejoicing.

There will be several deaths, which will not cause too extravagant
grief. U rf**3 t '

A great; many people will marry in haste, and proceed to enjoy
the delightful sensation known as "repenting at leisure."

A few will marry at leisure and repent in haste.

Being Leap Year, more young people than usual of both sexes
will be plunged into that state of semi-idiotic bliss considered
inseparable to an engagement.

Many young Ladies will be kissed under the Mistletoe, and will
say they don't like it.

Many young (-old) Ladies will say they don't like being kissed
under the Mistletoe, and won't be.

There will be several Railway accidents.

Many ships will come into collision.

Some explosions (domestic and otherwise) may be looked for.
Many children will receive the name of John.
Lots of young men will have difficulties with their latchkeys at
about two a.m.

Other young men will announce their intention to give up busi-
ness and go on the Stage.

More young men will declare their determination to live on their
pens.

Various Parents and Guardians will view the above proceedings
with marked displeasure.

Several casualties (such as broken hearts, loss of false teeth, sepa-
ration from chignons, &c.) will occur on Skating Rinks.
I Captain Hawk will take little Pigeon to a first-rate place for a
quiet game of billiards or ecarte.

Much money will be lost over the Derby.

Several Dramatic Authors will be led to think of their future
state by the reception awarded to their plays by a kind and discern-
ing public.

There will be some changes of Government in France.

Things will be made unpleasant for the First Lord of the Admi-
ralty soon after the assembling of Parliament.

There will be a panic on the Stock Exchange.

There will be several sensational Trials, to report the details of
which the Daily Press will exclude from their columns all literary,
artistic, scientific, and dramatic news.
1'Some Wives will run away from their Husbands.

Some Husbands will run away from their Wives.

There will be numerous Comic Songs produced.

No mirth will be caused by the above.

A lot of people will write bad Novels.

A lot more people will be intensely bored by reading the same.
The Farmers will grumble at the harvest.
The Butchers won't reduce the price:of meat.
Much tobacco will be consumed ; also cabbage leaves.
Many people will send contributions to Punch, which will be
rejected.

Many people will therefore hate, abuse, and loathe Punch for the
remainder of their lives.

Last and best. Punch, the Good and the Great, will, during the
course of 1876, appear exactly fifty-three times to delight and glad-
den the Nations.

A Revival.

Father of History! In thy pleasant page
We read recorded how, in byegone age, -

A bull was on the banks of Nile adored : *
If sound be the' Gazette of Moscow's view,
Nile doth again the bovine rite renew, i

For now John Bole is Egypt's sovereign lord.

* Herodotus, Books II, III,

Advice to Coal-Miners.—You can be safe if you please. You
may take your Davy.

vol. lxix.

d n