Punch (69.1875)

July 24, 1875.] PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23

"TOUT VIENT A QUI SAIT ATTENDRE."

Shouting heard—Engine whistles frantically—Breaks applied violently—Train stops—Accident, no doubt—Alarm of
First-Class Passengers—Stout Gent flies at Communicator—Child shrieks—Terrified Lady calls out, " Help ! Guard !
"What is it ? Let us out !

Guard. "0, no fear, Miss. On'y Driver be just see a lot o' fine Mushyroons, Miss, and we-he like 'em for

Breakfast. All right ! Away y' go ! 1"

OSTENSIBLE OCCUPATIONS OP JESUITS.

Mr. Punch, anxious to partially quench. Mr.Whalley's insatiable
thirst for useless knowledge, takes leave to offer him the informa-
tion which the House of Commons cruelly denied him. Mr. Punch,
always generous, goes beyond what the Honourable Member asks,
and furnishes him with infallible marks by which to distinguish a
J esuit.

Ministers and Ex-Ministers.—It is sad to think that there are
many Jesuits in this small class—perhaps there are few exceptions.
A pamphlet against the Vatican, a novel whose princely hero is
surrounded by Monsignore,_ a work on Foreign Exchange (the hidden
meaning of which phrase is a change to a foreign religion), a Plea
for National Holidays, an article in the Contemporary Review,
are unfailing marks of Jesuitry.

Members^ of both Houses.—Too, too many. Their ostensible occu-
pation, which nobody imagines their real one, is to make laws for
England. Any Peer who plays Polo is a Jesuit. Any Peer who
writes books of travel is a Jesuit. Any M.P. who mentions
the Pope, in praise or dispraise, is a Jesuit. Any M.P. who never
mentions the Pope is the greatest Jesuit of all.

Novelists.—The author of Never too Late to Mend is a Jesuit,
because Jesuits can never be mended. The author of Can we For-
give Her f is a Jesuit, since they never forgive anybody. The author
of Cometh up as a Flower is a Jesuit, for they come up like weeds.
The author of Sweet and Twenty is a Jesuit, since there are more
than twenty of them—by no means sweet. The author of Three
Feathers is a Jesuit, because the title of his book has a mystical
significance.

Bishops and Clergy.—It is clear that a full catalogue would, in
this case, be impossible. No one, perhaps, could supply it but the
Dean?of Westminster, Honorary Clerical Secretary to the Jesuits
of England. But any Clergyman who preaches in a gown, or a
surplice, or an alb, or a cope, or a white necktie, or black gloves, or

Oxford shoes, or a hunting coat, or cricketing flannels, is assuredly
a Jesuit.

As it is impossible to squeeze a Jesuit Directory into one number
of Punch, it may be well to conclude by warning Mr. Whalley
that a Jesuit in the family is very dangerous. He should carefully
watch the behaviour of his servants on Fridays and fast-days. Any
cook who on those days spoils his dinner for the good of his soul,
any groom who keeps his horses without oats, any valet who gives
him a damp shirt, any maid-servant who declines to see a follower,
should be turned out of the house at once. Jesuits, depend upon it.

But is not Mr. Punch carrying owls to Athens, or coals to New-
castle ? Though descended from a "Whalley, who was first cousin
to John Hampden and Oliver Cromwell, is not the junior Member
of Peterborough

Father Superior of the Jesuits of Ensland ?

Those awful words should be printed in blood—in asinine blood, if
possible. Will the Doctor submit to the lancet ?

St. Swithin, July 15th, 1875.

I'll remember, I '11 remember,
How this Summer fleeted by,

With the warmth of a December
In the middle of July !

New Reading1.

{From the First Satire of Horace, by Sub-Lieutenant Sorebones, whose
Corps, the Kundred-and- Worst, has been taking part in " The Man-
xuvres"—which the Militia have been spared.)

" Miles ait, multo jam fractus membra labore,
Militia est potior: quid enim ? Non curritur-"

vol. lxtx.

d