Punch (69.1875)

November 27, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.

215

GORGED VULTURES ON THE TOWERS OF

SILENCE.

hen the Pr'nce Irfi GfoVeiBirfent
House at 3.30 yesterday after-
noon, attended by the Duke of
Sutherland, Major-Gene-
ral Probyn, Lord Caring-
ton, &c, it was to visit the
Towers of Silence. Sir Jam-
setjee Jeejeebhoy received
the Royal party, and conducted
them inside the garden. He
also explained the processes by
which the vultures are gorged
on the Towers."—Report of the
Prince's Progress.

The Towers of Silence! " Where, 0 where, are they ?
Not where political palaverers stray,
And, while with care all common sense they shun,
Tell what they might, could, would, or should haye done;
Not where Club gossipers, in full debate,
Pass on the scandal which they oft create;
Not where deep Dulness reads, without a fear,
"What stirs e'en kindred Dulness to a sneer ;
Not where fair maids and merry matrons come
To silver tea-kettle and kettledrum ;
Not where the waltz's liberal law hath placed
Amandtis' arm around Amanda's waist;
Not where the Woolwich Infant's giant power
Sends twelve-foot iron shields in splint'ry shower ;
Not where quick thought and judgment soundly ripe
Set engines roaring in the Square of Type ; j
Nor where, to catch the time's swift change alert,
Punch and his friends are sitting at dessert.

As for gorged Yultures—Princes need not range

In search of them. They haunt the Stock Exchange.

Right plausibly the gorging Vulture works :

He'll sell Egyptians, Eries,—even Turks.

When with a customer of shallow brain,

Excited by petroleum champagne,

He '11 say, with countenance most kindly wise,

" The safest thing is buying for a rise."

The man who lives by books which others write,

The man who earns the fame when others fight,

The man who many a legal fraud will dare,

And from a bankrupt, come up millionnaire,—

The man who cures the mass of human ills

By odorous ointment, diabolic pills,—

Such we have had, since first our world began:

No need to search for them in Hindostan.

This nineteenth century is an age of culture,

And cultivates the ever-gorging Vulture.

0 for the Towers of Silence ! Let us rest
And leave all Vultures to their own foul nest.
Silence in tower, where great star-movements stir
The vision of the keen astronomer;

Silence where with a look, half kiss, half Jprayer,
Amandtjs springs to clasp Amanda fair;
Silence in Paul's great Gallery, while below
London lies basking in the sunshine's glow ;
Silence when Mr. Punch, who doth determine
To laugh at idiots and extirpate vermin,
Lights a cigar, his regal orifLamme,
And calmly cogitates an epigram.!

PUNCH'S INVENTORS' COLUMN.

Me. Punch does not see why he should be without an Inventors'
Column. He starts one with a few of the patented inventions
which have recently been sent him by imaginative Gentlemen—and
Ladies. Like the words in a Latin Dictionary, he classes them as
" Masculine " and " Feminine," hoping none of them will turn out
neuter.

Balloon for Pic-Nics.—Goes up into the air with a motion as
smooth as silk, and stays there all a summer's day. Special corners
arranged for flirtations. Champagne bottles can be thrown over the
side when done with. Kisses inaudible on the earth's surface. F.

Diving-Pell for Pic-Nics.—Diving Belles . . . pun too obvious.
Warranted not to throw cold water on matrimony. Champagne
bottles can be dropped into the sea. Kisses invisible to people on
shore. M.

Aaron's Rod, redivivus.—Very useful in the City, and also in the
West-End. Scourges, of its own accord, all swindling members of
Syndicates, all men shady on the Turf, all women who talk scandal
and do worse than what they say of their neighbours. Warranted
to draw blood from the thickest cuticle. M.

The New Cinderella1 s Slipper,—Will only fit the foot of a Lady
who has no guile in her heart, and who knows the true meaning of
love. F.

The Philosopher''s Stone.—Reduces to common sense the theories
of Dakwin, Huxley, and Txndall. For this a large sale cannot
be expected. M.

The Perpetual Motion.—This cannot be offered to the Public,
having been at once purchased by Me. Gladstone. 31.

The Alkahest.—Turns Tory into Whig, Whig into Radical,
Radical into either. Supposed connection with the modern trinity
—£. s. d. M.

The Magic Inkstand.—Enables anyone using it to write leading
articles for the Times, and poems for Punch, which will bring him
in many thousands a year.* M.

The Perennial Roseate Bloom of Youth.—This recipe is never
failing : so, Ladies fair, attend unto it and you will be beautiful for
ever. Read Punch. F.

* " Credat Judseus Apella,
Non ego."—Punch.

Interesting Experiment.

" Sir,—At this present time two vessels laden with petroleum are dis-
charging in the Eegent's Canal basin, where there are many other vessels
with various cargoes."

Thus a Correspondent writes to the Times. It is evident that the
local authorities are curious to ascertain which is the most des-
tructive, gunpowder or petroleum. The explosion of the gunpowder
barge on the same canal two years ago supplied one factor of the
experiment. These petroleum boats are, no doubt, meant to furnish
the other. _

In the City.

"The Aldermen had proved themselves admirable managers, and the
Members of the Common Council . . . took the liveliest interest in the care
of the streets . . . There was only one thing upon which he would not defend
them—namely, for their introduction of asphalte."—Lord Mayor Cotton,
in proposing the " Corporation of London," Nov. 8.

Ltjbks there beneath this compliment

In Cotton's silky phrase,
Another meaning and intent—

You'd better mend your ways ?

High-Water Mark.

Me. Punch is informed that, in consequence of a distinguished
member of the Metropolitan Board of Works having got his feet wet
during the late high tide, immediate steps will be taken to prevent
a recurrence of a calamity which has four or five times reduced
the poor water-side population of the South of London to the
greatest misery.

VOX. LXTX.