Punch (69.1875)

October SO, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171

"WAYS AND MEANS."

First Country Gentleman. " 'Mean Hunting this "Wintee, Charlie?"
Second Country Gentleman (doubtfully). " 'Shall try and 'Work' it."
First Country Gentleman. " How ? "

Second Country Gentleman. "Give up the Under-Nurse, I think!"

PUNCH TO THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.
Despotic Officiai!

Punch wants to know
"Why in the world you drench us so ;
Why, with savage persistence, again and again,
You turn off the sun and turn on the rain;
Why you spoil the frills of the lovely sex;
Why Thames and Severn and Trent and Ex 3
Of their legal limits pass the line,
And in neighbouring cellars spoil the wine.

The official mind, 0 Clerk of the Weather,
Is apt to keep to a certain tether:
The Board of Admirals clearly think
'Tis nothing to them if Ironclads sink:
The Postmaster-Generax scorns all fetter,
And laughs at the fellow who loses a letter;
If on Home Affairs a man's at a loss,
Little he '11 get from Assheton Cross.

But on Olympus, 0 Weather-Cleric
(Punch respects you as being Homeric),
There are surely officials who manage to beat
The do-nothing duffers of Downing Street:
And now, as the rains are washing away
The splendour of Autumn's divine decay,
Punch, Earth's Zeus, insists on knowing
Who left the tap of the cistern flowing.

It really will not do, you know,

This damp, discouraging overflow :

Clerk of the Weather, think again

Before you order additional rain.

Would you crueUy make your Punch rheumatic,

And drown the only wit that's Attic ?

If you turn to a sponge our native granite,

We must emigrate to another planet.

Insolvent Islam.

The Mahometans were, during the ages of Chivalry,
stigmatised by Christian knights with the name of
" Paynim." This appellation revived, with the dif-
ference of a letter, will perhaps very soon be rendered
applicable to the modern Turks. There is too much
reason to fear that, Turkey becoming utterly insolvent,
the Sultan and his people will be soon in a condition to
be denominated " Pay-nix," or " Pay-nil."

NEW SPORTING NOMENCLATURE.

Gtve a dog an ill name, and hang him. By the account of the
Field, this saying applies likewise to the Horse. Conversely it may
be said, Give a horse a good name and—back him. He goes in to
win:—

" It is indubitable, so far as the British Turf is concerned, that the euphony
and appositeness of his name bare often exercised the most potential influence
on the fortunes of a distinguished racehorse. It is a singular circumstance
that, among nearly 300 horses by which the three historical races of England
have been hitherto won, there is not a single animal cursed with an ill-
sounding or unseemly appellation."

Hence it appears that Mr. Shandy's theory of the influence of
Christian names is confirmed by parallel facts proving the like of it
to hold good with regard to that noble animal the Horse. Mr. Shandy
did not wish his son to be " Nicomedus'd into nothing." The same
feeling influences the " stable mind " :—

" About twenty years ago, Ma. Bowes requested a brother Member of the
Jockey Club to lay out a considerable sum for him upon one of the best-bred
and best-looking colts that the Streatham paddocks have ever sent up to
Langton Wold. ' I will do your commission with pleasure,' was the dis-
couraging answer, ' but I shall not follow it myself; for it is impossible that
a horse with the name of Grceculus Fsuriens should ever win the Derby.' "

So even the matter-of-fact horsey man has a spice of superstition
in him. As touching horses, at least, he believes in the " magic of
a name." Of course he would object to names for racehorses which,
if racehorses had sponsors, some sponsors would give them in view
of the ignoble purposes to which those noble animals are made sub-
servient. Racehorses then, like Ironclads, as the Devastation, the
Warrior, and so forth, would receive names which, if not eligible
for euphony or seemliness, would however be significant. As, for
example : Astuteness, Concealment, Deception, Dishonour, False-
hood, Knavery, Meanness, Roguery, Rascality, Subtlety, Treachery,

Trickery—appellations expressing the qualities and attributes which
chiefly characterise and actuate Betting-men. Also denominations
representing the crimes which horsey clerks and shopmen are apt to
be led into by gambling, as Embezzlement, Robbery, and Forgery.
Likewise the terms denoting the various blackguards who undertake
the underhand and dishonest practices which discredit the Turf, as
Touter, Tipper, Scratcher, Welcher, and Thimblerig ; to which
might be added Repudiation, Levanter, and—were jockeying bond-
holders a sufficiently horsey trick—Grand Turk.

A LOG OF IRON.

(A Page extracted from the Journal of II. M.'s Ironclad Teakettle.)

Monday.—Carried away a couple of anchors, and started. Came
into collision with another Ironclad, and made all taut for the
night.

Tuesday.—Repaired ram, _ and got up steam. Weighed anchor,
and made good progress until stopped by pier-head. Disentangled
the rigging from the Lighthouse, and made all safe for the night.

Wednesday.—Repaired bowsprit, masts, and spars, and accepted
assistance of Tug. When cast loose rammed Tug ; took her crew on
board, and made everything comfortable for the night.

Thursday.—Placed buoy over wreck of Tug, and steamed into
smooth water. Saw Pleasure Yacht in the offing. Accidentally
rammed Pleasure Yacht in a fog, and made everything cosy for the
night.

Friday.—Got up steam, and found that the engines primed
famously. Drifted on to some rocks, and made everything ship-
shape for the night.

Saturday.—Got off rocks, and, finding the vessel sinking, made
sail for the harbour. Sank on the Bar, rose to the surface, swam
ashore, sent despatches to the Admiralty, and made everything
snug for the night.

vol. zxtx,

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