Punch: Punch (69.1875)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 28, 1875.

August ! unto thee
an ode I must
Build up Pindaric,
calling thee
august:
Which is more
sweet, thy thun-
der or thy dust ?

As on the lawn the
soda-water pops,
Into the icy Bad-
minton there
drops
The dusky hornet
or more lively
" wapse."*

As lovely Lauba,
in divine repose,
Brightens with wit
the stream of talk
that flows,
The stinging gnat
makes red her
Grecian nose.

As on the Thames
the happy stream
we woo,

And the accompanying naiads too,

Down pours the electric flood—we 're all wet through.

At some snug Inn there's refuge from the rain—
The watery nymphs we comfort with Champagne :
But how the deuce shall we get home again i?

0 August, once thou wert a month of nous,
Bringing repose to jaded Commons' House,
But now, how desperately shy thy grouse !

Thy epicure delights were manifold—

Thy grouse to London poulterers now are sold ;

Thy oysters fetch almost their weight in gold.

And the unhappy and perplexed M.P.,

Who cannot choose his way 'twixt D. and Gr.,

Sultry August, will not welcome thee.

For when will Parties reach their proper level,
And Parliament in wiser guidance revel ?—
Meet his Constituents!—better meet the Devil!

f Oldest form. Vide Hensleigh Wedgwood's Dictionary.

SOCIETY ABROAD.
At Lucerne.

Member of Parliament {ending a long explanation of a pet
measure). And, so you see, my dear, by the law of supply and
demand, Capital must be benefited without injury to Labour. I
hope I make myself clearly understood ? Perhaps you might give
me your view of the subject. The suggestions of fresh minds are
frequently very valuable. I have noticed that you have been pon-
dering over something for the last half hour. You were thinking,
perhaps, that greater liberty might be given to the framers of the
initial contract ? T

Mrs. M.P. No, dear. The fact is, I have been considering all the
morning which of my dresses I ought to wear to-night at the table
d'hote !

At Inteblachen.

Cockney Tourist (to Perfect Stranger). Must 'ave been a 'ard
frost 'ere last night, Sir.

Perfect Stranger (startled). Dear me ! Why?

Cockney Tourist. Why, look at the top of that there 'ill, Sir
(points to the Jung Frau). Ain't it covered with snow !

At Baden-Baden.

Captain Rook. Yes, my dear Sir, although they have closed the
Public Tables, still, if you really want a little amusement, I think I
can introduce you to a very good set indeed. Where they play low,
you know—only to pass the time.

Young Mr. Pidgeon. 0 thank you. I should like it very much
indeed. But I am giving you a great deal of trouble ?

Captain Rook. Not at all!

At Antwerp.

Artist (amateur). " The Descent from the Cross." Hem! Not a
bad bit of colouring, but out of date, Sir,—out of date!

Artist (professional). You think so! Well, perhaps you are
right. Splendid subject—splendid work ; but it mightn't have sold
now-a-days. In 1875, Rubens would have painted portraits of fat
Mayors and sketches from the nursery.

Artist (amateur). Talking of sketches from the nursery, you
should have seen my " Coronation of Henry the Eighth I"—the
picture, you know, that they were afraid to accept at the Royal
Academy. Afraid, Sir!—that's the word—afraid!

Artist (professional). Quite so!

At Dieppe.

Edwin. Awfully jolly here! Awfully jolly band ! Awfully
jolly waltz ! Awfully jolly, isn't it ?
Angelina. Quite too awfully nice!

Edwin. Waltz over. Awfully nice moon! Awfully jolly to be a
poet, I should think. Say heaps of civil things about the moon,
don't you know! Rather jolly, eh? Tennyson, and that sort of
thing, don't you know ?

Angelina. Yes, isn't he a perfect love ?

Edwin. Yes—great fun. Next dance—square. Awfully stupid
things—squares, eh ? You 're not engaged ?
Angelina (archly). Not yet!
Edwin. Then let's sit it out.

At" Pabis.

Professed Linguist. Look here! Moi et un otrer Mossoo—a friend
of mine—desirong der go par ler seven o'clock train a Cologne. SL
nous leaverong the hotel at six o'clock et ung demy, shall nous catch-
erong le train all right? Comprenny voo ? Yoo parly Francais,
don't you ? You understand French, eh ?

Polite Frenchman (who speaks the English). I understand the
French ? Ah yase! Sometimes, Monsieur !

At Boulogne.

Mater. Now, before we leave the hotel for the Folkestone boat, to
go home, let us see that we have all our luggage right. Eighteen
trunks—mine and the girls', you know. Twelve bonnet-boxes,
three dressing-cases, and Chablet's < portmanteau, and two hat-
boxes. Six folding-chairs, four bundles of rugs, the perambulator,
and Jane and Nurse's things. Yes, I think that's all.

Pater. You havejforgotten something.

Mater. Dear me! What!

Pater. My carpet-bag!

YERY PALPABLE HITS.

Tiie divine Williams makes Oberon, in the Midsummer NigMs
Dream, refer to an occasion when " certain stars shot madly from
their spheres." The Star named in the following statement, which
lately appeared in the Pall Mall Gazette, is clearly not such an
one:—

<r Mrs. Scott Siddons has distinguished herself as a volunteer riflewoman.
The Bideford and Torrington Rifle Corps have just obtained a new long range,
which was formally opened by Mrs. Scott Siddons on Thursday. In the
presence of Sir Edward Green, the local gentry, and the officers and men
of the respective corps, Mrs. Siddons took a Martini-Henry rifle and fired at
the target, making a 'bull's-eye' the first time, and a 'centre' with her
second shot. She was loudly cheered, and the Devon volunteers boast that
they have now in their county the best marksman and the best markswoman
in England."

Thus Mbs. Scott Siddons is seen to be a Star that shoots true ;
hits the "centre" and the "bull's-eye." Now we perceive that
she can hit targets as well as audiences. But hitherto, undoubtedly,
her best and most numerous hits are those which she has made in
other characters than the part of a Riflewoman.

EARL RUSSELL'S CURRICULUM.

Eabl Russell has kindly supplemented his Further Thoughts on
Education (see Times of August 19) by some still Further Thoughts
in the form of suggestive Examination-Papers. Mr. Punch gives
them the benefit of his prodigious publicity :—

Q. Who is the true inventor of proverbs ?

A. They have been erroneously attributed to King Solomon and
the scarcely less illustrious Mb. Tuppeb, but their true inventor is
Eabl Russell.

Q. Who is the heaven-born Admiral of the Channel Fleet (

A. Eabl Russell. He is typified in the Union Jack, and also
in the famous Jack who had a sweet little, cherub sitting up aloft to
look after him. •

Q. Whom should the Dean and Chapter of St. Paul's call m to
complete the work of Sib Chbistopheb Ween ?