Punch (70.1876)

January 22, 1876.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

19

CONSOLATORY SUGGESTION.

Unsuccessful Son of Clever Parents (wJw has a theory that genius is hereditary).
"Look here, Old Feller.!—A Feller can't be a vewy gweat Fool with
such a Father and Mother as I've got, can he ? Now, how do you

account j for my beastly luck in all i undertake ?"

His Frieiul (who has a theory that Earlswood is chiefly peopled, by the offspring of
consanguineous marriag es). '' Stop a bit—Happy thought !—-Hooray!—Perhaps
your Father and Mother were First Cousins/"

CELLS LOB OUL SPELLING BEE.

The Prince or Wales—Feudatories.
The Princess op Wales—Agreeable.
The Sultan—Herzegovina.
The Khedive—Embarrassment.
The Commander - ln - Chief—Man-
oeuvring.

_ The Secretary at War—Mobilisa-
tion.

The First Lord of the Admiralty—
Tarpaulin.

The Lord President—Veterinary.

The Speaker—Parliamentary.

The Lord Mayor—Eleemosynary.

Mr. Disraeli—Septuagenarian.

Me. Gladstone—Welsh, Vaticanism.

The _ Manager of the Westminster
Aquarium—Anemone.
, Mr. Frank Buckland—Acclimatisa-
tion.

The Manager of the Crystal Palace-
Pyrotechnics.

Mr. Darwin—Development.

Lord Derby—Equanimity.

The Mansion House Floods Com-
mittee—Cataclysm.

The Chairman of the Great Western
Pailway—Gauge.

Colonel Henderson—Surveillance.

Professor Huxley — Anthropo-
logical.

Mr. Irving—Shakespeare.

M. Ferdinand Lesseps — Mediter-
ranean.

Lord Lytton—Hindustani.

Cardinal Manning — Ultramon-
tanism.

The Leader of the Opera Band—
Ophicleide.

The President of the College of
Physicians—Pharmacopoeia.

Baron Bothschild—Millionaire.

Mr. Buskin—Connoisseur, Dilettan-
teism.

Mr. Tennyson—Rhythmical.

The Chairman of the London School
Board — Undenominationalism.

Our Butcher—Aitch-bone.

Our Greengrocer—Potatoes.

Our Special _ Heterodox Aversion—
Latitudinarianism.

Our Youngest at a Christmas Tree-
Ecstasy.

Mr. Carlyle—Unparalleled, Octo-
genarian.

AN EPICURE'S EXPOSTULATION.

" I conclude that the best diet, the one best adapted to the
human constitution, and to sustain the highest vigour of body
and mind, is one composed of bread and fruit. By bread I mean
all the grains, placing wheat at their head, and including pota-
toes, yams, and the like, for the cooked potato is an inferior sort
of bread, so is the chestnut. "With bread and fruit as pivots, we
may take milk and eggs simply, or in combination, as in cakes
and puddings, or milk in its forms of cream, butter, and cheese.
. . . Flesh is the part of diet that can be most easily done with-
out, while bread in some form is almost indispensable."—How to
Live on Sixpence a Day. By T. L. Nichols, M.D., F.S.A.

Great Heavens! what a most preposterous planner

Of sham Utopias must this donkey be !
To shock a Diner in this dreadful manner

Is—hang it!—monstrous of the mad M.D.
(Mendacious duffer !) Are there no restrictions

On rampant rubbish ? By Careme and Ude,
We ought to lay a tax on frantic fictions,

Subversive theories, and crotchets crude!
•And yet, I must confess, my mind it tickles
'To read the blatant nonsense of this Nichols.

" On Bread and Fruit! " Paradisaic truly!

And man a " cooking animal," forsooth !
The theory might suit the wilds of Thule,

Or mortals minus palate, tongue, or tooth ;
But men in modern menus versed—Good gracious!

We might as well go back to pulse and paint.
I do protest these dogmatists audacious

Would tax the patience of a well-fed Saint,
While any peccable—and peckish—sinner
Would swear, at thought of meal and yams for dinner.

The pseudo-scientific sumph! I'd ask him

If men are all granivorous. I think
To turn the edge of that retort would task him !

To feed on pears and penny loaves, to drink
Water, is best, declare our new advisers.

• If that be so, I wonder what we do
With such a show of molars and incisors.

I own that time has left me very few,
Yet I make shift, though valetudinarian,
To be,—well, very far from vegetarian.

I've dined,—a simple spread of some four courses,—

And here's a fellow tells me 'tis the thing
To feed on meal (like Scots) or " mash" (like horses),

Washed down with water from a—London ?—spring.
Trash! It might suit a Timon, or a Cato,

A Newman, or a Nichols, F.S.A.,
To dine on porridge and a cold potato,

But, Heaven be thanked, /'ve never learned the..way
To sit and sup, with visage smug and placid,
On bread that 's " raised " with muriatic aoid.

Yes, Nichols, you may argue and adjure us,—

But 'twere to turn one's back on Providence
To shun life's dainties. Shade of Epicurus,

Inspire these dunderheads with sober sense !
" With Bread and Fruit as pivots" they 'd,be turning

The Gourmet's menu to a hermit's carte,
For frumety and fruit all flesh-pots spurning ;

But while we've Clubs and culinary art
How vain their vegetarian whims, and wishes,
Who [d preach the vanity of Human—Dishes!

London Improvements.

Leicester Square having proved such a .success, it
has been resolved to beautify other equally neglected sites.

Golden Square is to be restored to the original nnagni-
ficenco which its name indicates. This locality is of
historical interest, as having been the square of which
Richard Whittington had received the brilliant re-
ports which induced him to undertake his celebrated
journey to town. As if in memory of Whittlngton,
Golden Square is at night devoted almost exclusively, to
Cats. -• •' . . •

Printing House Square will also, it is said, undergo
restoration ; and the centre will be appropriately occu-
pied by an entirely new and elegant Fount — of
Type.