Punch (70.1876)

March 4, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

83

"DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE."

Near-Side Passenger. "He evidently wants to Race tott."
Driver (disdainfully). " But you don't suppose for a Moment, Sik, that
I'm a-goin' to Race with one o' them Twopenny Yallers ?"

HARD-BOILED EGGS.

" The answer to the Andrassy Note was ready on Wednesday,
but was kept some days awaiting the approval of the Sultan,
who was ill with cholera from having eaten eighteen hard eggs at
one meal, and could not be communicated with."—Constantinople
Correspondent.

Great Sultan, stubborn 'gainst attacks,

Diplomacy attention begs,
While you digestion over-tax,

By this excess in bard-boiled eggs.

Look, where your Rayahs evil-starred
Oppression's cup drain to the dregs,

And think your yoke on them lies hard,
As on you yolks of hard-boiled eggs.

~~ From scorn, wrong, robbery, grant them rest,
And you may spare your, powder-kegs—
And find it easier to digest
Hard-worded notes than hard-boiled eggs;

Or, when Al Sirat's narrow bridge

You cross with rather shaky legs,
Rayahs will speed you o'er the ridge

With blessings on those hard-boiled eggs!

AN ^SOP'S FABLE.
(Re-written!)

A certain Actor was tried and condemned for mur-
dering a Moorish Captain in the employment of the
Venetian Republic. On his way to the place of exe-
cution, he requested, as a last favour, that he, might be
allowed to shake hands with his Critics, who followed in
the crowd, weeping. The favour was granted, but in
this act ot apparent cordiality the condemned man con-
trived to twist out of joint the pen-fingers of the Critics'
hands.

"Unhappy man! " exclaimed the bystanders. " Will
you, at this awful moment, add yet another to your
catalogue of crimes, that you treat thus your best friends
and advisers ? "

"Not so," replied the condemned man. "If these
Gentlemen had not told me when I was a beginner that I
was a happy mixture of Roscrus, Betterton, Garrick,
Kemble, and Kean, I might never have come to this
unhappy fate! "

Moral—superfluous.

THE FATAL TWENTY-NINTH.

" Mr. Frrz Million presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and
would be glad to know from the Universal Monitor of Mankind
what to do with these letters, all of which he found on his break-
fast-table on the morning of the 29th of February."

Mr. Punch's reply was laconic: "Burn them." As there were
about five hundred, they will make a pretty bonfire.

Mr. Fitz Million is twenty-two, and has just inherited his
worthy old father's vast property. He is emphatically—

" A marriageable man, with plenteous cash."

Mr. Punch selects three letters as fair samples of the terrifying
mass.

I.

Dear Mr. Fitz Million,

How I wish I knew your Christian name! I dreamt it
was Ferdlnand. Is it? I have seen you driving four-in-hand,
like Apollo driving the chariot of the Sun. Your hair is golden,
like that Deity's. 0 happy Leap Year, in which, without maiden
shame, I can tell you that I love you !

1 am poor, but poetical. I make my own costumes—why should
I blush to own it ?—but I am divinely beautiful. Your ecstatic love
will decorate me with the most resplendent apparel and the costliest
gems, will it not, dear Ferdinand? 0 fly to my arms, most
adorable of heroes!

Your impatient, impassioned,

Amanda Blogg.

n.

My Young Friend,

I hear that you have inherited large property, and I propose
to take the control of it in the interests of Science. This being Leap
Year, I have a right to make you a matrimonial proposal, which of
course you will not refuse. You are, I am told, extremely ignorant;
but you are very young, and as I do not suffer from either the one

or the other misfortune, I shall be able to educate you, so far as a
mere masculine intellect is capable of development.

To devote your wealth to the noble pursuits of Science will be a
grand enterprise. Money is very needful for great experiments.
To find Darwin's missing link it is only requisite to keep a few
thousand apes of different species, and select such of their offspring
as show a tendency toward manhood. This is one of many valuable
experiments in which, as the husband of my natural selection, you
will be privileged to aid me. I have tried it on with others of your
sex in preceding Leap Years. You succeed to their chance on the
Darwinian principle of survival of the fittest. You will, of course,
call at once. I remain at home to receive you.

Priscilla Gubbins,
Professor of Anthropology, University of Laputa.

rn.

TlavSa/xdrccp "Epcos,
How daring he grows
In the year that's bissextile, when fun overflows!

'AOavdr' 'Acppoh'ni)
Is equally flighty, _
And won't give us maidens a minute's repose.

Nummus aureus est

By no means a pest,
If you know how to spend it with wisdom and zest:

So dear Mr. Fitz,

If keen are your wits?
In Chloe, M.A., you at once will invest.

Girton College.

Such are the dangers of Leap Year. Mr. Fitz Million (whose
name is not Ferdinand) did well to ask our friendly advice.

A Common Clerical Scandal.—A Bachelor Rector with a Family
Living.