Punch (70.1876)

March 18, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

99

readers to come under that designation. My object is to raise a rosy
cloud of Love and maddening witchery round you, to make your
veins throb, and your pulse beat with ecstasy,* as I guide you
onward, with my enchanter's wand-pen, into the very presence of
divine ambrosial loveliness. Those who listen to the voice of this
Syren, must prepare their palates for goblets of the vein-tingling
nectar of the Gods and Demigods. I do not profess myself to be a
demure Hebe serving out flabby toast and wishy-washy tea to sleek
divines and weak effeminate milksops. As to pointing a moral,"
my dear Sir, depend upon me for that. I am proud to say that there
is not one of my novels which has not been written with the highest
possible aim. All teachers of morality have not one uniform plan of
inculcating their lessons. If you have not already made yourself
acquainted with my method, you should do so without delay. I
consider the bargain concluded, and the novel shall forthwith be
commenced in your pages.

I remain, my dear Sir, yours, &c, It. D.

P.S.—Do you really mean to say you've never read my Red as a
Nose is She i You should.

From the Editor to Miss R. D.

Dear Madam,

No, no, we are not milksops. On the contrary, no man
whose daily literary pabidum is the Revue des deux Mondes, Me.
Matthew Arnold's Objections, Schlegel's Philosophical History,
Gunther's Problematika, and reviewing the latest Dysteleologieal
arguments of Circulionist savans, with a cold bath every morning
throughout the year, and the dumb-bells and leaping-bar to follow,
can be much of a "milksop.''1 The day is gone by for milksops.
Give tapioca to the timid, steaks to the strong! Were there any
" milksops " among our readers^ I should request them to take their
money back, as they would not find the food provided by this Journal
of the " flabby toast" and " wishy-washy tea " description mentioned
in your letter. I heartily agree with you, and, holding out the
right hand of fellowship, I will order the agreement to be drawn out
at once, and am yours strenuously and hardily, T~b$. Editor.

P.S.—I couldn't get Red as a Nose at either Medte's or Smith's.
I suppose the run on it was enormous. Should like to read it. You
might send me a presentation copy on toned paper.

Dear Sir From Miss R. D. to the Editor.

Tour letter is highly satisfactory. Noio I understand you.
As you say, "Tapioca for the Timid," so I may be permitted to add
Rice for the Respectable ! Yenison for the Yenturesome! ! Beef for
the Bold!! ! Why did you not tell me at first the sort of tiling you
expected ? I detest beating about the bush. But now you shall
have your Novel. You want a real good thing—the pith and marrow
of Red as a Nose is She, Good-bye, Siveet Tart, Not Slily, but don't
Tell, Cometh Doivn Like a Shoiver, and the rest of my popular
works, all distilled into one strong, clear jelly—a very Liebeg's
Essence of a Novel! Good, my dear Sir, you shall have it. '' Man
wants but little here below, but wants that little strong."

Yours sincerely, R. D.

P.S.—" That Little—Strong ! " wouldn't be a bad title. But I
prefer either titles of popular songs or a bit of a proverb. I have
had my eye on several song-titles, such as " Tommy, make room
for your Uncle,'" which might be cut into " Eor Your Uncle ; " also
"Don't be Sorrowful, Darling," which could come out well as
" Sorrowful Darling ! " * * * Stay! I have just put my hand on
what I am told is quite a catch phrase about Town now, and that
will be half the battle of popularity. It is " There 's another good
Man gone Wrong." You can therefore announce my new Novel as

GONE WRONG!

And you can advertise the first Number for your Next.

* On showing this letter of the gifted Authoress to a confidential friend,
■whose advice we have hitherto found invaluable, he remarked, "Ahem!—
' veins throbbing'—' pulse beating with ecstasy'—ah—um—if the Novel is to
have this effect on you, don't you think it would be as well to keep a first-rate
medical man on the premises ?" We felt he was right, and acting on this
suggestion, -we intend to edit the forthcoming work under medical advice.
With a Doctor and a Solicitor on the spot, we can't go very far wrong.—Ed.

To the Public.—In consequence of a private communication, the Editor,
in the interests of the Public, of the Publisher, of the Authoress, and of himself,
has, with the advice of his Solicitor, inserted a clause in the agreement with
Miss E. D. (in whom he has, of course, all the confidence consistent with
ignorance of the gifted lady's previous writings), to the effect that, on occasion,
he may, in his highly responsible capacity of Editor, insert a little explanatory
note, or remark, wherever the text may appear to require it. To this the
distinguished Authoress has, with a ladylike courtesy which does credit at
once to her head and heart, replied, that, as her text will need no comment,
she has no objection to the insertion of the above-mentioned clause, which
stipulation the talented Lady goes on to observe, seems to please the Editor,
and can do no sort of harm to the writer. On this amicable understanding,
the Editor has the greatest possible pleasure in welcoming this rarely-qualified
"Writer as a contributor, who will widely extend her ahead y large circle of
ardent admirers.

A ZODIACAL CONGRESS.

meeting of the Signs
of the Zodiac, in re-
ference to the state of
the weather, was re-
cently held at the Mermaid
Tavern.
As the Pisces (though
parents of sweetest
sounds ") are not
famous for ora-
tory, Aquarius
was unanimously
voted to the
Chair.

The venerable
but rather wash-
ed out Chairman
remarked that,
although his duty
had ended in
Eebruary, his
successors had
carried out his
aqueous policy
~~j=T%o with real consis-
""^^ tency, for which

he heartily

thanked them. He was proud to be able to say, in the words of

" Piseium et summa. genus htesit ulmo,
Nota qua? sedes fuerat columbis."

Pisces wagged their tails in grateful response. There was no need
to provide for them a special aquarium, as the room was underwater.

Arees rose to dissent from the Chairman's watery discourse. His
favourite grass meadows were aR overflowed. It was his chief
duty to provide good mutton for the Lords of Creation, and that
could not be done unless the sheep had wholesome grass to eat. Had
it not been for the fun he had lately had—on salt water—thanks to
the employment found him by the Iron Duke, he really hardly
knew how he could have stood the late superfluity of fresh water
vouchsafed by Jupiter Pluvtes.

Taurus followed on the same side. He had no personal disrespect
to the Chairman, but he should like to see him cross his paddock
with water-buckets. He should have an aerial voyage gratis, and
see how he relished another element. He had quite enough to do
on the Stock-Exchange, in keeping up his "Egyptians," without
having to waste his time on a set of " Pumps !"

The Gemini spoke together, and swore a little, but they were
suddenly interrupted by

LEO,;.rwho, having kicked Canter out of the way, roared his
approval of the remarks of Aries and Taurus. Both men and lions
wanted beef and mutton {sensation), and you couldn't grow either in
wet weather. Eor his part, he was thankful that the Ministers had
given him a permanent interest in the tine dry climate of Egypt,
and the Canal he was most concerned in was one not of drainage,
but—passage ! {Sensation.)

Libra rose to deprecate political allusions. It was his object, and
should be that of his brother and sister Signs, to hold the balance
between Government and Opposition. "Open to all parties,
influenced by none," should be the motto whether of houses, or
Planets, who hung out Signs to the public! He hoped his friend
Aquarius would not misconstrue him.

Here Libra was cut short by an unanimous call for

Yirgo, who remarked, in a musical voice, that, as she looked for
garden-parties and pleasant hours on the river in that part of the
year which was specially her own, she should take good care that
strawberries and flirtations should not be spoilt by the extravagant
folly of the Chairman and his clique. A great poet—Anacreon—

" Nature to bulls gave horns,
To lions fierce-fang'd jaws "--

But to Woman (he sang) ....

" What's Nature's boon ?—'tis beauty-
More thau a match for shields,
More than a match for spears ! "
With such authority on her side, she had courage to defy what she
must caU the flshy conspiracy against the comfort of -mankind.
Aquariums were all very well, particularly with " covered" rinks
attached to them; but to turn the world into an aquarium was a
thing unendurable. The race of mortals should have a summer this
year, if a lady had anything like the influence due to her sex with
the Clerk of the Weather.

The speech was greeted by loud cheers, led by Leo and Taurus,
and the meeting broke up without a vote of thanks to the Chairman.