Punch (70.1876)

June 24, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

255

OUT IN THE COLD;

Or, the Parliamentary Peri.

I believe it is a rule in Parliament never to be logical in legislation."

Mr. Disraeli.

Poor Logic, like Moore's

Peri, at the gate
Of proud St. Stephen's stood

disconsolate.
She heard the wordy war-
fare waged within,
The critic cavil, the dogmatic
din,

The keen discordant strife of

Ins and Outs,
Biggar's rude railings, hot

O'Gorman's shouts.
Sighed she, '' Where ' heed-
less Rhetoric "s soathome,
Her poor precisian sister

scarce may come.
They mocked my champion,

Mill, and I can see
That, now he's gone, they '11

not make room for me.
To dull logomachy, profuse,

sophistic,
They sacrifice the sweetly

syllogistic:
To them the chase of the

abstractly true is
Poor sport to personal ques-
tions raised by Lewis .
They flout keen Fawcett, and they fain would rob
Me of the partial homage of my Bob.
Oh, scene of babblement and crass confusion
Where Premiss ne'er foregathers with Conclusion!

And yet, ivould they admit me-" Here loud laughter

Pang through the spacious hall, from bench to rafter.
The Sphinx—an oracle of such high station
Need scarcely stoop to ratiocination—■
The Sphinx, unmindful of that listener sad,
Gave Hope her coup-de-grdce. Too bad ! too bad!
" In shaping laws, mere Logic should be dumb.
She rules not here ; our rule's the Rule of Thumb !
We play at dialectic, point and edge ;
But Truth's straight thrust were—breach of privilege ! "
The Peri drooped, and dropped a woeful tear.
" ' Abandon Reason all who enter here ! ' "
Sighed she, " should be inscribed above this portal.
The Statesman's dread of Syllogism's mortal.
Farewell! Alas! " She said, and veiled her face,
And fled to—shall we say—" another place " ?

A PARLIAMENT OF LONDON.

Loed Elcho has had his annual innings, and has assured the
House of Commons that it is much pleasanter to live in Paris, in
Manchester, even in Bradford, than in London. No doubt he is
right, though in the minority : but what a pity he doesn't go and
live in Paris or Bradford, and leave us unhappy Londoners to our
fate ! The air of great cities does not suit small men. London is a
city of anomalies, but they are historical, and not to be removed in
a day. Its Mayors have been the friends of the Kings of England :
it is, in fact, an epitome of England.

Mr. Punch argues not against Reform, which is as fashionable as
Banking and Cockle's Pills : but, as Eternal Member for E.C.—the
Eternal City—he takes leave to_ defend its institutions and officers.
There may be a more luminous intellectual centre, in Paris or Rome
or Berlin or INew York, than No. 85, Fleet Street; if so, Mr. Punch
would like to know the address. There may also be a grander gateway
than Temple Bar, or a nobler obelisk than Alderman Waithman's,
—but on these points Mr. Punch is not anxious for information.

Other Cities may perchance have wiser and more powerful jour-
nals than the Times, but Mr. Punch is quite satisfied with that
periodical. And in its comments on Lord Elcho's annual Motion,
he finds and approves this remark:—" Within the House of Com-
mons there is a vague feeling of apprehension that a Municipality
of London might attract some of the attention now paid to the pro-
ceedings of Parliament." It might, indeed, if recent occurrences
are any index. Did not the Lord Mayor, only the other day, say
that the Stage has taught us as much as, if not more than, the
Pulpit ? Such utterances never startle the calm arena of the House
of Commons. Did he not actually tell the Artists who ate turtle

with him*", last week that "j,Genius ought to be in comfortable cir-
cumstances " ? That demoralising declaration has already been
sufficiently exploded by all the philosophers of the Press. Genius
comfortable! What next ? Theologic hypocrisy and Stock Ex-
change theft make their own comfort; but Genius is a mere out-at-
elbows, disreputable being, and positively ought not to be comfortable.

If Lord Mayors go about saying this sort of _ thing, it must be
obvious to the House of Commons that a Parliament of London
would never do. Such utterances are revolutionary. Lord Mayor
Cotton became Member for the City on Conservative principles ; but
what are we to say of a man who prefers Shakspeare to the Bench
of Bishops, and thinks that Genius deserves its rumpsteak and pint
of stout ? No; if such are to be the Members of the possible
Parliament of London, Lord Elcho's Motion was wisely resisted.

WHAT A LADY SEES.

At a Pace Meeting.—Plenty of dust. Some poor part of London.
A number of pretty villas. A great deal of stucco. Country fields
and country lanes. Little villages. SmaU towns. Glare and
shadow. Gipsies. Crowds of roughs. Very good company. Plenty
of drags. A collection of carriages. A lukewarm lunch. A»d, to
conclude (if she is very observant), a horse-race in the 'distance.

At a Cricket Match.—A road crowded with carriages. A narrow
gate. A large number of men, belonging to every profession, in a
state of unusual excitement. A good deal of hand-shaking. A
large amount of head uncovering. A mysterious board, upon which
appear constantly changing figures. Thousands of dresses of azure
and dark blue silk. A forest of parasols. Plates of lobster <salad.
Dishes of cold fowls. Piles of rolls. Heaps of cakes. Quarts of
Claret and Moselle cup. Dozens of Champagne. And possibly (if
she is very fond of the game) the out eleven changing positions at
the cry of fi Over."

At the Zoological Gardens.—A number of trees. A thickly
populated lawn. A refreshment-house, open '' to bond fide travellers
only." The last masterpiece by Worth. The sweetest things in
bonnets. The most daring contrasts in colours. The Heroes of the
House. The Loungers of the Clubs. The Prides of the Studios. The
Ornaments of Literature. All her friends. Most of her enemies.
And (if she has time to inspect them) a few animals in cages.

At a Fancy Dress Pall.—The inside of a carriage. A Policeman
attempting to keep back a satirical mob. A hall. A crowded stair-
case. A melancholy Charles the Second. A jocular Hamlet. A
modest Henry the Eighth. A retiring North American Indian. A
bashful Executioner. A regiment of Militiamen. A Clan of High-
landers. A dozen Louis Onzes. Twenty-three Marie Stuarts. A
Charity Girl. A score of Matrons (a very long way) after Gains-
borough. And (if she manages to reach the drawing-room) Ivanhoe,
Joan of Arc, Napoleon, Jane Shore, Macbeth, Anne of Cleves,
Robespierre, and an eccentric representative of Snow, attempting to
dance the Lancers in the centre of a crowd of historical celebrities.

At Church.—A sedate Pew-opener, who receives a bribe with
dignity. A very magnificent display of bonnets. A popular Author.
Several " Men of the Time." And (as a matter of' course) her
Prayer-Book.

At Home.—Her husband and her children ; and if they are not
enough for her, why, the Lady must be difficult to please. At least
so thinks Mr. Punch, who is a model of domesticity.

GREENGROCERS r. BUTCHERS.

Talk of cause and effect Mr. Punch ear's a diskivery i cut't bout
a yure Fashnoble Cotrumpery of the conneckshun 'tween—

"Vegetarianism and Temperance.—A Vegetarian and Temperance
Congress was opened yesterday at Langham Hall, Great Portland ^Street, by a
paper by Mr. C. C. Groom Napier, F.S.S., who related many cases > ef the
cure of confirmed drunkards through adopting the vegetarian diet."

Mr. Napier 'cordin' to the Post hallso said as a merrican Phy-
sician, docter Turner, had cur'd a Thousand drunkards by only
perswadin of em to take to a vegetarian diet, and was a goin for to
come over ear for the puppus of preachin the " vegetarian cure of
intemperance " to the Facklety. Ereby angs a Tail for sir Wilfrid
Lawson and the Benighted Kingdum Allyance to catch old on
and bring in a Hact o' Parlimint to Shut up not onely the Public-
ouses, but the Butchers' Shopps, Witch it wud be sum Oompen-
sashun fur your umbul admirer, Ightinnerant Deeler in Wegebels,
Greens, Turmuts, Carrats, Spinnidge, and Sparrer-grass.

SAM COESTER.

Suggestion by Sairey Gamp.

(Vide Last Week's Punch.')

A Desideratum at St. Pancras Workhouse.—A Bottle of
Kid Reviver."