Punch (80.1881)

12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 8, 1881.

SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION.

Ethel {to Jack, who has been put into the Corner by the ncio Governess). "I'm so

sorry for you, jack ! "

Jack. " Bosh ! who cares ! . This ain't a real Corner, you know !"

(Highgate Cemetery, December 29, 1880.)

Large woman soul, sure of unfading' bays,

It little boots o'er tby too early tomb
To puff our little breaths of passing- praise-
Dead in the deepest of Midwinter's gloom,
Ere thine own Autumn's niellow fruitage failed !

We mourn a Larger Light, eclipsed too soon
By the all-darkening Shadow ; we who hailed

Its rise, its rounding to the plenilune
Of finished force and chastened grace, lament

The passing of a Power. Thou perchance
Bearest it all unstained, as still unspent,

To spheres unclogged by earthy circumstance.
So be it! Not among the tricksy mimes

Who glitter out a glowworm's hour and fade,
Fame sets this large-orbed glory of our times.

Who, whilst good store of lesser lights are laid
In our King's Sepulchre, makes royal ground
Of that green Northern Graveyard's simplest mound.

MISREPRESENTATIYE GOVERNMENT.

In these stormy days it is as well to dip into statistics,
and see how we are represented. The House of Com-
mons numbers 652 Members: 489 of these belong to
England and Wales, 60 to Scotland, and 103 to Ireland.
We are not inclined to advocate an increase of Members,
because we consider the present jawbone power of Parlia-
ment to^be more than sufficient for a thousand Samsons
to slay a'million Philistines. We are inclined, however,
to alter the distribution of these Members. The whole
electors of the United Kingdom are somewhat over three
millions. Scotland possesses less than 306,000 electors for
its 60 representatives, and Ireland and Wales together
less than 368,000 electors for their 135 representatives.
In this unequal distribution London is very badly treated.
With more than 370,000 electors, it is only allowed 25
Members. Of course, London electors and Metropolitan
Members are far inferior in sense, patriotism, and bril-
liancy to Irish and provincial electors and Members, but
some little respect ought to be paid to quantity in the
distribution of voting. We want more jawbone power
for London.

SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. 1.

Good behaviour is'the'art of behaving'good. It comprises deport-
ment, dress, language, and other.important details.

Deportment may be natural or acquired. If natural, as in the
case of the late ^lamented^Beaii Brummel, and his sacred Majesty
George the Fourth, there is nothing to do but to look on, admire,
and copy. If acquired, it must be according to the canons laid down
by Beau Nash of Bath, and religiously preserved by several genera-
tions of teachers.

In entering a room you must turn out your toes, and must not put
your hands in your pockets. If nature has turned your toes in, you
must correct nature, even at the cost of physical suffering. Nature
is_ a thing to write poetry about, but not to drag into the
drawing-rooms of polite society. As an emplojanent for the
hands, which are difficult to deal with, art has provided snuff-
boxes, canes, and eye-glases for men, and fans, smelling-bottles, and
eye-glasses for ladies. In your salutations you must never forget
that it is unpardonable to shake hands with the two extremes of
society. You kiss the hands of Princes, Dukes, and Prime Ministers,
and you present your hand to be kissed by footmen, crossing-
sweepers, and poor relations. You must never sneeze in polite
circles, even at the expense of bursting a blood-vessel; and if you
find a hot potato in your mouth in the same society, you must
swallow it at the risk of your life, rather than break the rules of
good behaviour.

i$lIn the matter of dress you are spared the trouble of thinking.
Society appoints one or two tailors, and one or two dress-makers,
from time to time, and you must go to these people for your outward
clothing. Whatever they make you, you must wear—whatever they
charge you, you must pay. If you feel uncomfortable, or look ugly,
or have reason to be dissatisfied with their prices, you have the
satisfaction of knowing that nearly all the people you meet are in
the same condition.

In the matter of language, we enter a much wider field. There

are Grammars and Pronouncing Dictionaries, but Society sometimes
creates rules of its own, which are not strictly in accordance with the
received authorities. To side with the authorities is to be a fogey and
a pedant; to side with Society is to be a model of good behaviour.

It would be extremely vulgar to say " sassenger " for sausage, but
such a pronunciation might become fashionable from a variety of
causes, and then it would be your duty to follow the fashion. When
you are introduced to a Duchess, and she asks after your health, it is
hardly polite to say you are '' right as a trivet," or ' A 1;" but it is
quite possible for a popular member of the aristocracy to bring such
expressions into use, in which case you would probably be right in
using these peculiar idioms. A great deal wiil_ depend upon the
time and nature of the introduction, the surrounding circumstances,
&c. It is almost impossible to lay down any hard and fast rule
which will be applicable at all seasons.

In the pronunciation of words, some allowance is always made
for provincial accents. In England, the north-country dialects are
much favoured, but the Scotch dialect is the most favoured of all.
It is fortunate for Robert Burns that he was born a Scotch poet, as
it more than doubled his chance of rhyming. When he could not
make a melodious couplet with away, he wrote awd\ and when the
word penny would not lend itself easily to his song, he wrote bawbee,
and skipped gaily over the difficulty. Scotch, however, should be
used as sparingly as possible in the drawing-room—as sparingly as
the bagpipe is used at public concerts. Of course this remark only
applies to the state of things as they exist at the present moment.
A change in fashion—the transfer of the Court, and all its belong-
ings, to Scotland—might make the Scotch dialect the language of
the time, and the bagpipe the national instrument. _ Our mouths
and ears would then have to be tuned to different notions of gram-
matical and musical propriety, and our text-books altered to suit the
occasion. _

Report oe a Canon.— Note, at St. Margaret's, Westminster—
" Might go Farrar and fare (ah !) worse."

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