Punch (80.1881)

February 5, 1881.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

49

Master Tom (ivhose Godpapa has come'to take him for a great treat to the Winter
Exhibition at the Boy al Academy). "Bother the Old Masters ! Jus' as if I
hadn't enough o' them at School ! Ugh !—precious sight too much !—

jljs' when there 's such a lot o' jolly ice about too-"

\Grumbling "ad lib."

DIARY OF THE PREMIER ON SHORE.

Monday Morning of any Week.—Let me see! What's the Parliamentary
business for to-day r Oh, Ireland, of course. Why canH they be satisfied with
my Land Bill of 1870 ? Ptead a book of the Odyssey, to console me. Find it
doesn't console me at all. Query. Aren't sufferings of Ulysses exaggerated by
Homer ? Did Ulysses ever listen to an Irish Obstructive ? Write sixteen post-
cards, and rattle off a parallel (for Nineteenth Century) between much-suffering
Ulysses, troubled with Sirens, and myself ditto with Home-Rulers. Send it
over to Forster. Forster returns it, with thanks: says he never heard Biggar
called a Siren before—nor did I. I think I shall write an Epic entitled " The
Much Enduring Ulysses (myself) and Impatient Par■nellope."

11 a.m.—Boy comes to say, Deputation of Irish Members wants to see me.
Don't want to see them. Query. Can it be "Impatient Parnellope" and
Suitors in a fit of remorse ?

_ No ; only moderate Home-Rulers come to ask me to "re-consider Land
Bill." Say they're afraid there won't be anything about the "Three F.'s"
in it. I say I don't know at present what will be in it. They ask if I don't
believe in the " Three F.'s." This pertinacious curiosity disgusting. I reply
by some general remarks on the state of the weather, the prospects of the
potato-crop, the Gulf Stream, &c. They leave, apparently quite satisfied.

Tuesday.—Very disturbed night. Dreamt I was cutting down a Upas-tree.
Mention it to Doctor. He says it is caused by a slightly abnormal extravasa-
tion of the lesser clavicle of the cerebellum. It may be. He also wants to
know what a Upas-tree is: says he never saw one. Nor did I! Says I must
leave off reading Homer, and orders a course of post-cards instead.

10 a.m.—Rather heavy correspondence awaiting me this morning. Angry
letter from "Greek patriot," wanting to know why I didn't at once give
Thessaly and Epirus to Greece. Send post-card, referring him to Gambetta.
Twenty-six Midlothian electors want my autograph, my opinion on "Sabbath
travelling," and my views—if any—on hypothec. Very flattering communi-
cation from a Home-Rule organisation in Donegal: "perfect confidence in me :
feel sure I '11 never rob Irish tenants of advantages they've gained by constitu-
tional agitation," &c. Find the advantages they've gained so far by constitu-
tional agitation are that they pay no rent, and that their landlords are either

starving in England,or " Boycotted " in Ireland. Dictate
conciliatory post-card. Nothing like vox populi, after all.

10"30.—Read newspapers for half-an-hour. All of
'em urging "strong measures" — and blaming me!
Query—who was it who said something about " chatter
of irresponsible frivolity?" Must have been a very
clever—oh, Lord B., to be sure! Ah, well—rather a
vulgar remark, after all.

12 a.m.—Been closeted with Thorold Rogers and
Speaker. Former has lots of precedents. It seems
Speaker is right person to interfere with Obstructives.
Speaker says he'd rather I did it. I'd much rather he
did_ it. We both suggest that Thorold Rogers should
do it.

5 p.m.—Wire to Gortchakoff, asking him what they
do with Obstructives in Russia. Wires back—" Siberia."
Too stringent. Wire to Gareield, asking ditto in
America. Reply—Lucrative office in Post Office or
Custom House. Good idea, rather.

7 r.m.—Parnell just quoted Bright—"force is no
remedy." Stupid thing of Bright to say. Post-card
to him, asking .if he wouldn't like to repudiate the re-
mark. He says, not at all. Then won't he explain that
he only meant that force and remedy were two different
things, and that former must precede latter ? No.

Next Morning. — Feel rather fatigued on rising.
Must take quiet exercise. Do so. Write last five
chapters of my Life of Lord B. Also article for
magazine on " Endymion Legend, and degrading Modern
Caricatures of Same." Also postcards to Kruger,
Colley, Gortchakoff (with congratulations on his
retirement from public life), &c. Then into St. James's
Park with axe. Deputation, consisting of Park-keeper,
Doctor, and First Commissioner of Works, imploring
me not to cut down trees. Doctor says that over-exertion
may superinduce cerebral phlegmatosis.

Thursday {I think, but the days have got so mixed).—
Feel rather fatigued. Read Lliad through to refresh
me. Doctor suggests composing draught. Tell him I
repudiate suggestion. Says he doesn't know what I
mean by " repudiate : " if 1 mean I '11 take it, that's all
he wants. I say I do mean that. Doctor complains of
my ambiguous language. I tell him, not half so ambigu-
ous as his. Mustn't quarrel with one's Doctor. Go
to bed, and dream of Grantully Castle. Would I were in
it now!

BRUNSWICK'S FATED CHIEFTAIN.

{A Tale for tlw Schoolboards in the City of London.)

Once up-on a time a per-son called the Duke of Bruns-
wick died, and left much mon-ey to the Ci-ty of Gen-
e-va, which made the peo-ple ve-ry glad, for they were
a-ble to beau-ti-fy their Ci-ty ; and, be-ing grate-ful
peo-ple, they built a fine sta-tue of the Duke. But they
built it on a mor-ass ; and now we read in the pa-pers
that it is sink-ing, and will soon dis-ap-pear al-to-geth-
er, and nev-er be seen a-gain.

And once up-on a time the Cor-po-ra-tion of Lon-don,
there being no poor peo-ple want-ing mon-ey or food,
spent ten thou-sand pounds in build-ing a ve-ry ug-ly
thing they call-ed a Me-mo-ri-al, but which all oth-er
peo-ple call-ed a Fol-ly. But they did not build it on
a mor-ass, and it will not go a-way; at least not just
yet. Don't you wish it would ?

Questions for the Kyrle Society.

One of the objects of the Kyrle Society, which held its
first meeting last Thursday, under the presidency of
Prince Leopold, is the preservation of open spaces for
the people. Was it with this view that Prince Leopold
assisted in putting up the obstructive Temple Bar Me-
morial ? And was it as a compliment to this Society that
the sculptor made the Griffin's tail Kyrley ?

A Sum.

If there are thirty streets-crossings between Mary-
borough House and St. Martin's Church (and there a-e
quite that number), each provided Avith a beseeching
sweeper, and you give twopence a-piece to each sweeper,
how much will you save by not taking a cab at sixpence
a mile, with the usual bonus of a shilling for snow
and parochial negligence ?

yol. lxxx,