Punch (80.1881)

February 12, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Gl

%hmm Carlnle.

ADJUSTMENT.

Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom lie had kindly provided with a foot-warmer
on a journey down the Line to see his sick Daughter). "Well, did you find the

benefit of it, master JlNKS ? "

Old Jinks. " Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green ! Tha' tiiere Box o' Hot
Water tha' won' uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly ! I sat on 'm the
whol' o' the way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee ! ! "

BOEX, 1795. DIED, 1881.

Shut fast the door! Let not our vulgar din

Vex the long rest of patriarchal age ;
But one step more eternal peace to win,

England's Philosopher ! old Chelsea's Sage!

How they will greet him! When he nears the home
Where dwell the deathless spirits of the dead—

Goethe and Schiller, " sovereign souls," will come
To crown with immortelles his honoured head.

Out from the unknown shore, the heroes past—
Cromwell of England, Frederick the Great—

Will lead the grand procession, and recast
The roll of genius that he joined so late.

What will his message be, from life to death

Grand hero-worshipper of years ago ?
" Is England true ? " they '11 ask him in one breath.

'' Faithful to history ? " He '11 answer No !

To this indictment he must pledge his word,—■
What warrant else could an historian sign ?—

He lived through England's triumph, but he heard
With dying ears the shudder of decline.

Perchance the revolution and the shame

That like black shadows crossed the Commons' floor,
Were spared him dying ! Whisper not their name—

Shut fast the door ! He's sleeping. Close the door !

A Very Vulgar Incident.

Scene—A Public-house in Raicliffe Highway.

Professional Burglar. Vot do I calls you ? Vy, I
calls you a blank old fool; and if you says you ain't,
why 1 '11 knock yer blank old 'ead off yer blank old
shoulders.

Professional Ejector from Licensed Premises. Now,
then ! Now, then ! This 'ere language won't do 'ere ! It
ain't Parlermentary.

Professional Burglar. A begging your parding, which
you 'aven't a-read the Debates, or you'd know it was
the most reg'lar Parlermentarv language.

Professional Ejector from Licensed Premises. Which
parding is granted, and I begs of yours. Your language
is Parlermentary. But out you goes !

[Struggle, and vehement adoption of the cloture.

SUNDERLAND OH BLUNDERLAND ?

We are led to ask this question as to the proper nanie of the great
northern town by the proceedings of its Board of Guardians. The
workhouse children were invited to see the Pantomime, as most poor
workhouse children in most dull towns are invited at this season.
Mr. Yule—who is evidently no descendant of Yule-log, whatever
branch of the great log family he may belong to—objected to
the children being contaminated by contact with theatres. This
sentiment, once started, found plenty of supporters, who overruled
the more liberal dissentients, and the Aldermanic Chairman, by his
casting vote, deprived the hungry little paupers of a meal of pleasure.
There is evidently no more need to send Cant to Sunderland than
there is to send coals to Newcastle. Towns that give themselves
these virtuous airs are not always shining models of propriety. Once
upon a time there was (and is still) a semi-religious, half-Scotch
periodical, conducted by an editor with broad views and generous
sympathies. To make his magazine popular, he admitted, amongst a
host of mixed parsons, a few writers of the worldly school whose
names were familiar to the public. This excited the' indignation of
a number of busybodies in an obscure Scotch town, called Something-
Bogie, who burnt the magazine in a corner called the market-place.
One of the worldly writers was so stirred by this that he made a few
searching inquiries about Something-Bogie, and found that it pos-
sessed the highest rate of illegitimacy of any place in the known
world. Perhaps Sunderland has just as much right to throw stones
at the theatre, as Something-Bogie had to burn the productions of
worldly writers ?

From Bohea-mia.—Motto for Five o'clock Tea-drinkers.—Dulce
est Tea-sipere in loco.

A SHOCKING OCCURRENCE.

Switzerland on the 27th instant was visited thrice during the
day, in several places, with a touch of the earthquake reported
by wire. It caused both a lateral and vertical oscillation, preceded
by a subterranean rumble, made the clocks of churches to strike and
their bells to toll, shook books off their shelves, detached pictures
from the walls, and, in Berne, for one place, threw down more than
one hundred chimneys; but beyond that, appears not to have done
any notable damage. The people, therefore, who experienced the
shock, were much more frightened than hurt; but so much frightened,
some of them, that—■

" Children and teachers ran pell-mell from schools, and all study had to be
given up for the day."

" Study given up for the day ! " Oh, won't English school-boys
wish there were occasional Earthquakes about. The Head-Master
of Eton would grant a holiday, or even an extra week, for an earth-
quake, if it only quaked enough. How merry the proverbial '' merry
Swiss boys" must have been on the occasion.

Shakspearian Valentine, Adapted.

{From Mr. Gl-dst-ne to Michael Davitt.)

I'll have our Michael Davitt on the hip.

How comes it, Michael, you are thus forgot ?
Michael. I pray you pardon me, I cannot speak.

[Exit Michael, in custody.

vol. lxxx.