Punch (80.1881)

PUNCH, QE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37

AMATEUR PALMISTRY.

(How Jones became converted to a belief in the same.)

Miss Sopely. "I see here great Physical Courage united to ax Indom-
itable Will. Brave to recklessness, you have nevertheless immense
self-control, and though Generous to a fault, your Pride makes you
conceal it. You hide a Poet's sensitiveness beneath a reserved and
somewhat haughty demeanour, and a singularly powerful Intellect
enables you to hold in due check Passions stronger than those of the
generality of Men-"

Jones. "By Heavens, it is wonderful!"

THE DEAN OE THE ARCHES.

(A Canzonet for Canterbury Hall.)

Judge Spiritual I, Penzance,
Am posted in a special station,

Thence bear a name, but by mischance,
Lack any local habitation.

In Lambeth Library I sat,
And there a judgment did deliver ;

But out of place was ruled on that
Site by the margin of the River.

Then in a Court on t 'other side,
A case within the Lords' Committee

Ptoom, 'tis averred, I wrongly tried ;
And so my own case claims your pity.

Dean of the Arches I am hight,

But I've no Arch to lay my head in ;

Worse than the wanderers of the night,
Who Arches find and go to bed in.

No Railway Arch for me, no dry-
Arch of a Bridge can I sit under,

And so my sentences, oh fie !
Get voided through a formal blunder.

And then delinquents go exempt
From penalties by me awarded,

And my committals for contempt
Contemptuously are disregarded.

In the New Law Courts, much I fear,
No place for me has been provided,

Therein that I may causes hear,
And they be legally decided.

How shameful that a learned Judge,
A Lord Judge in the Land of Britain,

Should have his fiats turned to fudge
Because he has no room to sit in!

Corporation Measure.

Five Hard Frosts make one Fall of Snow.
Three Falls of Snow make one Street Impassable.
Six hundred Streets Impassable make one Newspaper
Leader.

Twenty Newspaper Leaders make one Public Howl.
Five thousand Public Howls don't make one Municipal
Government move !

THE CLOTURE IN PARLIAMENT.

My Dear Sir,

Like myself, you have doubtless read the report published
on the various methods of shutting up Members of the Parliaments
of the civilised countries of the world. They are all more or less
useless. Allow me to give my experiences. I have travelled much.
At one period of my life I sojourned among the Sioux Indians, to
whom I was honourably known as Paw-paw-da-ko-ta, the Big Liar
with the Red Hair. They were accustomed to meet in conclave.
Did any member speak for more than a minute and a half—the Red
Man, I may tell you, is not given to loquacity—he was bound to a
tough stake, a slow fire was ignited round him, and his political
opponents chopped him with tomahawks. This method of repressing
verbiage and obstruction was certain. Again, when I was with my
friends the Patagonians, I studied their parliamentary procedure
closely. Did any man make himself obnoxious to the majority of the
house, the majority of the house incontinently took him out and ate
him. That the adoption of either of these systems would effect a
marvellous change in the working of the Assembly of St. Stephen's
is the sincere belief of Yourg pcrfectly ^

Red Lying Street, London. Mendez Munchausen Pinto.

My dear Mr. Punch,

Men will never do that which women can do better. If you
wish to silence excessive talkers in the House of Commons, admit us.
We could talk an ordinary Member of Parliament down in five
minutes, and an Irishman in a quarter of an hour.

Yours sincerely,

Laura Matilda Spoutington.
The Office of the Society for Placing Woman
where Man Ls : but Oughtn't to be.

My dear Punch,

The remedy is simple. It lies in the hands of the Press.
These men don't speak for each other, but for their constituents.
Abolish parliamentary reporting, and they will be dumb. This will
be for tne good firstly of the papers, which, instead of devoting
columns to dreary dreary reports of twaddling speeches, will be able
to give us pleasant articles on social life, reviews of books and music,
and lengthen their reports of the police cases.

Yours visionarily,

Laputa Villa, Singeon's Wood. Copernicus Jones.

Sir,—I am a business man. England is a business nation. Let
us start on a commercial basis. Let Parliament be conducted on the
same simple rules by which the Telegraph Offices arc governed, but
for the sake of convenience let Time, not Words, be the commodity
charged. Here is my scale :—■

£ s. d.

A speech of fifteen minutes before 12 p.m. . . 2 10 0
Any speech after 12 p.m., per minute ... 100

From this rule, Sir, I should except all past and present Cabinet
Ministers. You may, say that none but the wealthy will be able to
address the House. Precisely so ; the man who is clever enough to
make money for himself, or having money is clever enough to keep
it, is sufficiently intelligent to help govern England, and is the man
for my money.

St. Swithin's Lane, E. C. John Smith.

adapted quotation.

Last Week's Winter (loquitur).— 1 My name is Ab-Normal on the
Primrose Hill."

VOL. LXXX,