Punch (80.1881)

February 19, 1881.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

73

"THRUE FOR YOU!"

Meejor O'Scallyivag, M.P. "Well, Tim, the Boys have given the ould
House o' Commons a Snayzer this thime !"

The O'Bafferty. " Och, shure they have ! Nothing like a Big Pinch of
kaal ' Irish Blagyard ' for that, Sorr ! ! "

A-KUSE A LA LUSSE.

{Extracts from the Diary of a very Illustrious Personage.)

July lUh, 1878.—Berlin Treaty signed yesterday. " Eternal friendship
between England and Russia, &c., &c," the inevitable consequence ! And now
to business. Dear old Britannia (bless her !) fast asleep as usual! Have pro-
mised her "that Afghanistan shall always be considered outside the sphere of
Russian influence." Must have my joke! Funniest part of it—got her to
believe me ! Let us see how we stand. We have got 20,000 men at Samarkand
as " a base of operations against India." Been there since April, and want to
be on the move. Kat/fmann (sharp fellow, Kaufmann !) celebrated the open-
ing day of the Conference destined to '' cement the eternal friendship between
England and Russia," by giving Shere Ali a draft treaty in my name, pro-
mising him every kind of support against the English ! We are to protect him
from invasion, recognise his heir (whoever he maybe), and lie for him like—
an Emperor of Russia ! All he has to do is—nothing !—except (as an after-
thought) by our advice ! Have written to Katjfmann (sharp fellow, Kaufmann !)
to get on with the affair as quickly as possible. Latest news from London—
Britannia (bless her !) still fast asleep!

September 22nd.—Open diary to say that Stolieteff is on his way to see
me. He has written to that poor old donkey, Shere Ali, to tell him " that he
hopes that those who want to enter the gates of Cabul from the East will see
that the door is closed." He added, "that then they would tremble ! " Eternal
peace in the meanwhile going on between Russia and England—beautifully!
What a wag I am!

' October 6th.—Had a long chat with Stolieteff. Sent a message to the
Ameer ("A mere lad in diplomacy compared with me," I said in English to
Stolieteff, who screamed at it!) that, I, the great Emperor, was a true friend
to him and to Afghanistan." To prove this, I added, "that I would do what-
ever—I thought necessary ! " Nice vague phrase this, which tickled Stolieteff
(who has a keen sense for humour) immensely. Suggested that he (Stolieteff)
should say that '' our Government was as wise as a serpent, and as harmless as a
dove." Stolieteff delighted. Thinks it the most beautiful poetry he ever
heard in his life! So it is ! Gave him some more hints for his letter to the

Ameer. Poor Ali, to be advised to foregather with the
Sultan, and "to look to his brothers over the river."
Request also to be made to him to tell plenty of lies, " to
perplex the enemy's mind, and give up his intention of
fighting him." Stolieteff read over the draft, and said,
'' that with a little blasrjhemy—which always pleases the
Afghans—it would do very nicely." News from London
—Britannia asleep, but with one eye open. Send all sorts
of friendly assurances. Result. Britannia snoring !

December 1st.—Shere Ali becoming a bore ! Says he
is getting the worst of it, and wants me (of all persons
in the world !) to help him! Never heard of such a
thing! Have ordered Kaufmann (rather a donkey,
Kaufmann !) to tell him we can't be bothered with
him during the winter. Still, if he likes to keep alive
until the spring, we will see what those 20,000 men at
Samarkand can do for him. In the meanwhile—Russia
and England were never better friends !

December 10th.—Really Shere Ali is becoming an
intolerable nuisance! Stolieteff (injudicious sort of
fellow, Stolieteff !) followed me all the way to Livadia
from Afghanistan with despatches ! Of course the idea
of upsetting Britannia is an excellent notion. No doubt
about that—must be done as soon as may be ! But
Shere Ali is played out. However, sent love to him
through Stolieteff (persistent fellow, Stolieteff !), and
authorised him to say, distinctly, '' that, after the cold
season was over, the Russian Government would come
to his assistance." Recommended the usual amount
of lying, with hints about the intervention of the Sultan,
and a Congress at St. Petersburg. This to be sent to
Shere Ali (stupid dog, Shere Ali!) with the conven-
tional blasphemous invocations. Eternal friendship be-
tween England and Russia more eternal than ever !

January 3rd, 1879.—Hang that scoundrel, Shere Ali!
He actually wanted to visit me ! This when he was
officially told by Kaufmann (slow sort of fellow, Kauf-
mann !) that It was impossible to assist him with
Russian troops." Told them to look after him. Curious
coincidence—on reaching the Russian frontier he died !
So much for Shere Ali ! Bored with the whole affair,
and shall leave plotting against England in the hands of
my Ministers. They will do it just as well as I shall!
Other things for me to do ! I have to bury my first wife,
marry my second, quarrel with all my family, escape
the explosions of the Nihilists, and to finish it all up
with a nice trip during a storm in the Livadia. _ Con-
sequently, close my Diary until I have done enjoying
myself !

February 10£A,' 1881 .—Open this book after a long pause
to write that I have found a greater wag than myself.
The London papers have just published our secret nego-
tiations with Shere Ali. The plot to overturn the
British Empire in India—hatched while we were swearing
eternal friendship to England—has been discovered.
Upon this, the Duke of Argyll " Fears that these papers
way produce a feeling against Russia ! " Ha ! ha! ha !
His Grace will be the death of me !

NEW RULES OF PROCEDURE.

Frightening the Sergeant-at-Arms.

18. That when the Speaker has to name a Member
for expulsion, the Sergeant-at-Arms shall be allowed to
look at him first through the door, and see what he is
like, before proceeding to extremities.

19. That the Member so named must not say, when
touched on the shoulder, "Do you know, Sorr; that I
carry a couple of six-chambered revolvers m each
pocket?" "Do that again, Sorr, and you'll make ac-
quaintance with the floor of the House ! " "Have ye wer
seen dynamite in the lump, Sorr P" or make any other
remark calculated to agitate or distress the arresting
official.

20. That a Division on any important Irish question
being in contemplation, it shall be lawful for the Ser-
geant-at-Arms to take immediately six lessons in prize-
fighting, with or without the assistance of Black Rod, in
the Lobby, and supply himself with three glasses of hot
brandy-and-water before entering the House.

21. That this last be at the sole expense of the
Speaker.

Lying in State."—Russian Diplomacy.

VOL, LXXX, if