Punch (80.1881)

72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 12, 1881.

ENCOURAGEMENT.

Jones (who has just added the last finishing touch to his Picture).
"Well?"

Smith. "Well, you've just got it into a capital state to

begin working upon ! ''

VERY CIVIL WAR!

(A Page from the Diary of a British Officer in the Transvaal.)

Monday.—Received instructions to "treat prisoners with courtesy,
but not to afford" them the rights of belligerents." What on earth
does this mean? Looked up the Queen's Regulations and the
Articles of War. Can't find anything to meet the case. Seems to
me that a fellow must be either a rebel or an enemy. Powder and
shot for the one ; soda and brandy for the other! Hope I shan't
take a prisoner. If I do—hanged if I know what I shall do with
him!

Tuesday.—Everything going on all right. Playful skirmish with
enemy, Ouerv, are they enemies, or rebels, or what ? Give it up—
never was good at answering conundrums ! Fortunately they rode
away before we got up to them. In consequence, no prisoners on
either side. Had another turn at the authorities, and went to sleep
over them. Write this before turning in. All right up to now.

Wednesday.—As I expected! In for it! Just before ending an
uneventful, and consequently cheerful day, a prisoner was taken by
an over-officious colour-sergeant! Should like to break the fellow
for his folly, only I suppose it was his duty ! Nice mess though!
What am I to do now ? Decided not to see the prisoner to-night.
He will keep—or rather, we shall have to keep him—until to-morrow
morning.

Thursday.—The prisoner was brought before me. Not half a bad
fellow. He had strayed into our lines by mistake—wish he had
made another mistake, and had strayed out again ! He speaks
English fluently, and appreciates my jeu de mots about '' What'a
Boer ! " He has read all the London papers. He knows my instruc-
tions, and feels for me. Asked if he would mind being handcuffed,
he says, "Not at all—to oblige me." Apologised to him, but ex-
plained I was in no end of a fix. Awfully good fellow! Saw
him to his cell. Gave him my sofa, and lent him a dressing-gown.
Awfully cheery fellow! Knows a lot of fellows I know. Looked

up the Articles of War, to see if I could make him an honorary
member of the Mess.

Friday.—Dear old Peter (my prisoner) had breakfast with me.
Asked him, as a friend, what he thinks I ought to do with him ? He
doesn't know. He is, however, under the impression that I should
be going too far if I shot him. So am I. He quite sees my diffi-
culty, and wants to help me. _ He suggested that he might keep up
the spirit of the thing by picking some oakum. He says that he
believes '' that is the proper penal servitude form." '' With some rope
and an old pair of kid-gloves," he says " he will be quite the cheer-
ful convict! " Awfully good fellow, Peter ! The most obliging
chap I ever met! Looked him up in the evening. He says '' oakum-
picking not half bad fun." No more it is ! Tried some myself.
Bet Peter I would pick a pound before he got through eight ounces.
Won, by Jove, in a canter ! Peter (awfully good fellow, Peter !)
paid up like a man !

Saturday.—Glorious news ! No end pleased ! Peter escaped
this morning ! Got a letter from him later in the day, telling me
that he thought it would save us both a lot of trouble if he bolted.
He added that he had got shot through the arm by a sentry. It was
only a scratch, and he was going on all right. Not to be bothered
about _ him. _ Thanks for all my courtesy and kindness. Had had a
very jolly time with me, and was sorry he was obliged to be off.
" Ta ! ta ! and love to all old pals ! " Dear old Peter, one of the
best fellows I ever met! Shall certainly put him up for my Club
when I get back home !

hx iHemortam*

(Monumental Brass for St. Stephen's.)

Hereunder Sleeps

(With one Eye wide open)

THE LONG-ESTABLISHED PROCEDURE OF PARLIAMENT,

Curious, Cumbersome, and Characteristic j
Yet, owing its gradual Development
To a jealous Watchfulness over the Liberties of the Many
Rather than

To a boundless Consideration for the Licence of the Eew,
It gave, for all Time,
Hampden, Pitt, and Palmeeston

To the Worship of a Grateful Country,
And consigned, one Tuesday Morning,

Me. BIGGAR
To the Custody of the Sergeant-at-Arms.
Thus, while fulfilling simultaneously
The Purpose of History,
The Duties of the Policeman,
And,

Sir Michael Hicks Beach being lulled to Slumber,
The Functions of a Narcotic,
It nevertheless
Handed over to several courteous Gentlemen from Ireland,
Apparently absolutely and for Ever,
The Legislative Machinery of the Three Kingdoms,
The Contents of the Tea-Room,
And the Nervous System of Mr. Brand.
Inaugurating, therefore,
Within the Walls op the House oe Commons,
The Production of Pantomime,

The Installation of Torture,
And the Extinction of Debate.
It Collapsed,
After one-and-forty Hours of dozing Dignity,
Summarily and sweetly,
On the Appearance of Mr. Gladstone,
Who,

Having slept and breakfasted,

Hurled it suddenly,
To the Delight of the Reporters,
The Consternation of Mr. Parnell,
And the Jubilation of Everybody,
Into the Depths of that Official Avernus,
Where,

Mourned by a Discreet but entirely Elegant Minority,
It is earnestly to be hoped
It will rest undisturbed
In Imperial but permanent Peace,

A Buy Word.—Cash.

£3B~ To Cobbbsposdeitts.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case can these bt returned unless accompanied bp *

stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept.