Punch (80.1881)

86

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 25, 1881.

INSULAR PREJUDICE.

"And in France, "you know, Parker, they .speak French.
Instead of haying ' Yes,' for instance, they say ' Web.' "
"Lor, Miss ! How paltry/"

MORE CANDOUR ABOUT CANDAHAR.

The following- replies have been received at 85, Fleet Street, in
answer to some letters :—

{Post Mark—Bis-ma?-k—Berlin.)

Oe course 1 will tell you all I know about it! Sir Lewis Pelly
shall not give me a lesson in frankness ! As"you are aware, sjl
always play with my cards on the table, and am incapable of deceit!
You ask, " Can I give any information about the Russian negotia-
tions with SnERE Ali, and what do I think about the retention of
Candahar ? Beati possidentes as regards the last! Must have my
ioke, you know—no offence ? As to the first part of your question,
I got the whole story out of my friend and colleague, the Russian
Chancellor, who made me roar over it! It was such a capital anec-
dote that I could not help retailing it to that arch-farceur, Beacons-
field, who declared it was the best thing he had heard in his life !
I told him the story from beginning to end one evening at Berlin, as
we sat listening to the nightingales under the linden ! Your face-
tious compatriot suggested that the narrative was incomplete with-
out a sequel. He said he would add the sequel himself—and did !
Now you know all about it! Yours affectionately,

TheJBusy B.

'{Post Mark,"St. Petersburg.)
The Emperor presents his most gracious compliments to Mr.
Punch, and has the greatest possible pleasure in explaining the
misapprehension that seems to have arisen about Cabul. His
Majesty has been more than annoyed at the malicious spreading of
so many false reports. Shehe Ali (who, His Majesty regrets to say,
forged all the documents recently published), spent the whole of his
life in attempting to create ill-feeling between England and Russia.

This misguided Asiatic "was .constantly making proposals to the
Emperor—proposals that His Majesty repudiated with loathing,
hatred, and contempt! The Emperor regrets that the late Ameer
should not be now in a position to corroborate His Majesty's solemn
declaration. But as Mr. Punch, is aware His Majesty's words
are as good as his bonds—if not better ! As to the retention of
Candahar, the Emperor will be glad to discuss the matter fully with
Mr. Punch, if that Gentleman will be so good as to meet His
Maj esty by appointment—in Siberia!

{Post Mark, Constantinople.)

The Sultan hastens to thank Mr. Punch for the handsome douceur
which reached His Majesty at a moment when it was more than
usually serviceable. Mr. Punch is quite right in believing that the
Sultan is always ready to exchange a State Secret for a pecuniary
consideration. His Majesty knows a great deal about the Cabul
affair—more than the Czar, the late Ameer, and even Sir Lewis
Pelly himself. For the present, His Majesty would only hint that
the Sultan has been offered half British India and the whole of
Afghanistan in exchange for Constantinople. His Majesty is fully
aware that he has only to make this known to the Government of
Her Britannic Majesty to receive compensation for the very consider-
able monetary loss his indignant refusal entailed upon the Imperial
exchequer. His Majesty has already mentioned the matter to
Mr. Goschen (a singularly agreeable person), who has kindly pro-
mised to see what can be done for him.

The Sultan, in conclusion, would point out that he is in posses-
sion of a vast number of diplomatic secrets nearly affecting the
reputation of every Crowned Head and Prime Minister in Europe.
His Majesty has also in his collection several deeply interesting stories
about the Emperor of Brazil, the Mikado of Japan, and General
Grant of the United States Army. In justice to himself, however,
the Sultan has been forced to adopt as his Imperial motto, '' No
more pay—no more startling disclosures ! "

A NEW DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS.

On a Pork Pie—

" I arise from dreams of thee in the first sweet sleep of night.''

Shelley.

For an Invalid—

"Be thou chaste as ice and pure as snow thou shalt not escape calomel."

Shaksfeare.

On an Actor—

" His soul was like a star, and dwelt apart."—Wordsworth.

For a Greedy Boy, after visiting a Confectioner's—

" In such a moment I but ask that you '11 remember me."—Bunn.

On Burlesque Dramas, at the Gaiety—

" Not harsh and crabbed, as dull fools suppose,
But musical as is Apollo's lute."—Milton.

A PRIOR CLAIM.

" Though Mr. Prior," says a contemporary, commenting on that
gentleman's appointment to a vacant Inspectorship of Factories,

has received a sound elementary education, yet, as he has not
mastered those higher sciences in,which Factory Inspectors have to
pass, application has been made to the Privy Council for an order to
dispense with certain portions of the customary examination.''
Why? If an acquaintance with the " higher sciences" is essential
to a proper discharge of the duties of a Factory Inspector, why
appoint Mr. Prior to the post without it ?

In these competitive days everybody is examined, and some
standards of merit must be fixed ; and if fixed, adhered to. To
insist that the Beadle in the Burlington Arcade must be prepared to
"take up" "deportment, dancing, single-stick, rhetoric, and a
familiarity with the minor poets," and then to dispense with a good
half of these accomplishments, is at once to open a broad question.

Possibly, familiarity with minor, or even major poets, may be
no more necessary to an Arcade Beadle than the " higher sciences "
are to a Factory Inspector. But if this be the case, why insist on
either? Anyhow, if the Privy Council mean to "dispense" any-
body, they had better turn the matter over. The claim of Mr.
Prior may be a reasonable one, but a precedent once set on foot for
its extension, the Privy Council may confidently look to a lively
time of it.

scarcely appropriate.

A Leader in the leading journal expressed his opinion that "Ob-
struction is scotched, not killed." " Scotched! "—very Irish this.

The New Rules.—" The bearings o'these obserwations lays in
the application on 'em."—Commander Bunsby-Gladstone. ,