Punch (80.1881)

108

[Maroh 5, 1881,

A CAPITAL CHOICE.

Cousin Amy. "So you haven't made up tour mind yet what Profession
you 're going to be when you grow up, Bobby?"

Bobby. "Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it \s called, you

know, but it 's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and

Dogs, and all that ! " [Bobby's Papa is a Qurate, with £200 a-year.

THE FATE OP THE TOUR.

a woeful ballad of lord woodcock.
Aib.—"Hans Breitmann gife a barty."

Lord Woodcock had a Party,

Of high heroic strain-;
They held that the Liberal lot were naught,

And Gladstone's vauntings vain.
They had principles of the patriot type,

True Neo-Tory Blue,
And when in muster full they met

They numbered—just twice two !

Lord Woodcock had a Party;

Those Four were ever found
In the deadly breach with vote and speech,

When the word for tight went round ;
The cockiest Four in all the House,

There was Balfour, Wolff, and Gorst.
When Woodcock led those three to war,

Their foes might dread the worst.

Lord Woodcock had a Party;

Those Four were void of fear,
And, when they rose, sore shrank their foes,

Whilst their friends felt parlous queer.
But when they slanged the Treasury bench

The Tory host would roar,
And swear so stout a Party

Had ne'er been known before.

Lord Woodcock had a Party,

Which, led with nerve and nous,
Was Gladstone's flail, Sir Stafford's cross,

And the terror of the House.
They called old Tories fogies,

All discipline they'd decline,
And frankly go for the free-lance lay,

And the Ishmaelitish line.

Lord Woodcock had a Party,

But oh, that Party split;
Small bond have they, alas ! to-day,

Save the bench on which they sit.
The ribald Pad laughs loud and long,

Sir Stafford smiles to see
The Four, for solidarity,

Too numerous—by three !

Lord Woodcock had a Party,—

Where is that Party now ?
Where is the hyacinthine crop

That decked young Dizzy's brow ?
Where is A dull am? where Bob Lowe,

That star of free-lance fight ?
All gone with the flash of yesterday's " fizz "

Away " in the evbigkeitP

The Defective Police.—In the Army it is customary
to emblazon shields and inscribe flags with the names of
victories ; in the Police it ought to be the custom to record
failures in a similar manner. We should write Blooms-
bury, Cannon Street, Coram Street, Hoxton, Euston
Square, Burton Crescent, and Harley Street. Shall we
have to add Chatham to the list ? Most likely.

"YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LITE !"

Although the obstructive representatives of St. Giles's will
succeed in stopping all domestic legislation during the present Ses-
sion of Parliament, there is one thing they cannot stop, and that is
Taxation. We are always sure of a Budget—the governing classes
will fight for that, if for nothing else—and we are fortunately in a
position to anticipate what is called the "financial statement." The
Post-office will be reformed, and instead of trying how much money
it can make by "sweating" its servants, it will be taught that a
Government Department is not exactly in the same position as a
Hounsditch Slopseller. Several highly paid and ornamental servants
of the Office will be discharged—without a pension—and the money
will be divided amongst the people who do the work. The Income-
Tax will not only be reduced, tut re-adjusted, and temporary and
perishable incomes will not be taxed at the same rate as properties
which last for ever. _ The Local Commissioners will be abolished, and
it will no_ longer be in the power of the elevated cheesemonger, or
the sanctified grocer to pry into his neighbour's profits and losses. A
little more consideration will be shown to the noble army of pub-

licans—who subscribe nearly one-third of the National Eevenue—in
spite of the attacks made upon this body by the Mncomformist
Party in Parliament. The embargo on the free circulation of goods
and men will be removed by the abolition of the Eailway Passengers
Duty, the Hackney Carriage Tax, and similar imposts, or imposi-
tions. All taxes on food and temperance will be repealed, and tea,
coffee, chicory, cocoa, dried fruit, &c, will be at last thoroughly free.
The probate duty now levied unfairly only on personal property,
will be extended to real estate, and the legacy and succession duties
will be dealt with in a similar spirit.

The Customs, especially those more honoured in the breach than
the observance, will be overhauled, and the thirty-seven Cus-
tom-Houses in which nearly thirty thousand a year is spent to
collect about fifteen thousand, will be at once let out as sailors'
lodging-houses. The free-born and sea-sick Briton, who has the
costly privilege of belonging to a kingdom on which the sun
never sets, will be spared the humiliation of having his dirty shirts
and socks examined on his return from less privileged countries,
while he is kept standing on a slimy gangway in a tempest of wind
and rain.

To CoBBEsroirosina.—Hit Editor dots not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no cast can these hi returned unless accompanied by a

ttamped o,nd directed envelops, Copvu should bs kepi.