Punch (80.1881)

170

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 18, 1881,

"ROUND THE STUDIOS."

First Artist {grumpily). " When you Fellows came to see my Pictures, the other
Day, you never said a Word-"

Second and Third Ditto {eagerly, both at once). " Oh, but my dear—'po' my word, we—■
Fellow, you've no idea—oh—we said—a tremendous—they were—weren't they—
didn't we, Jack—lot about 'em when we got out ! ! ! ?"

MUM'S THE WORD.

Mr. Gladstone in introducing his Budget was much troubled by the word "Mum." He
found it in every tariff, and no one could tell him what it represented. We can help to
enlighten him. Mum is Sir William Harcourt when a question is asked him as to the
vagaries of the Meddlevex Magistrates; and, when he condescends to open his mouth on
this notorious subject, he appears to be one of the most devout worshippers of the Sacred
Jackass. Mum is the Irish Land League in Parliament when Lord Mountmorres and
other landlords are brutally murdered; but Mum is not, by any means, the same Land
League, when a few wretched rioters are shot in the act of preventing debtors paying their
just debts. "

OUT OF TUNE IN TUNIS.

Bey {to Europe generally). Awfully
sorry, but what can you expect of a Turkish
vassal not quite cured of a rude habit of
piracy, and still addicted to slave-trading
on the sly ? I can't help it; we never can
help anything our subjects do to injure
Giaours; it's a way we have in the Ottoman
Empire.

Germany. I don't think that the Krou-
mirs really did kill five or six Frenchmen.
That the French didn't begin we can't be-
lieve. Du reste, it doesn't matter a rap to
us, and will keep them harmlessly busy.
What's the Milliard for if they don't have
something to spend it on ?

Italy. Actually facing me ; nearer to me
than anybody else ; and {bashfully), well,
I may say, allied to me in blood. Ana
to think that France is going to establish an
African Republic, probably a Commune,
from Tangiers to Tripoli—it's enough to
make one seek alliances with Austria
itself !

England. What I can't get over is the
awful abomination of thinking of annexing
anything ! It is an iniquity I can scarcely
contemplate in the abstract, much less con-
ceive our old ally capable of perpetrating it.
Thev say they don't intend annexation;
but I myself know, how easily one is led to
an—ahem !—and then there is that sacred
integrity of the Turkish Empire, which we
never could see attacked—ahem! again. In
short, as you can't colonise, mon ami, why
invade ?

France. JEn avant ! the drapeau outrage.
Fine chance of trying in anima vile, if we
are getting at all capable of the Revanche.
Don't intend to hurt a hair of the Bet's
fez ; only if we can do a little Cyprusing or
Transvaaling on our own account, it isn't
Turkey will deter us, nor England neither ;
but we must en avant with a wary eye on
Germany; for the power least interested in
the matter is precisely the one that can
best prevent us taking our African Alsace
and Lorraine.

Re-adjustment of Taxation.

{Suggestions for the consideration of the Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer.)

Don't tax the pay of Soldiers and Sailors.

Reduce the tax on the hardly-earned
incomes of such real working-men as Jour-
nalists, Authors, Actors, and Artists.

Tax the Three "L's"—Legacies, Land,
and Luxuries.

Tax photographs, menu cards, and every
dinner-bill above a certain sum.

Tax heavily all advertisements; and very
heavily all picture-posters on the walls and
wooden structures, &c.

So as to avoid taxing thrift, let the rule
be, as regards the last-mentioned form
of advertising, "Don't tax savings—tax
hoarding's."

"the claims oe grease."

The new American compound called Oleo-
Margarine, is said to far surpass Butterine,
and to be an excellent substitute for butter
at less than half the price. Our Dairyman
keeps a savage goat in the back yard, so as
to;ibc able to swear he has always a real
good butter on the premises.

Free Sail.—Shipping oneself as a Stow-
away.