Punch (80.1881)

180

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 16, 1881.

AT THE SENIOR UNITED.

Colonel (to pompous Steward). " Hullo, how 's this 1 I see Woodcocks
Five Shillings. Why, at the Junior they only charge Four ! "
Steward. " Arery likely, Sir. The Junior 'ud heat iianythink ! "

APRIL ; OR, THE NEW HAT.

[In deference to a prevalent taste, this Foem is also a Double
Acrostic.*]

Prologue.

My Boots had been wash'd—well wash.'d—in a Show'r ;

But little I griev'd about that:
What I felt was the Havock a single Half-hour

Had made with my costly new Hat.

For the Boot, tho' its Lustre be dimm'd, will assume

Fresh sprightliness after a while ;
But what Art may restore the original Bloom,

When once it hath flown, to the Tile ?

I clomb to my Perch, and the Horses (a bay
And a brown) trotted off with a Clatter :

The Driver look'd round in his affable Way,
And said huskily, " Who is your Hatter ? "

I was pleas'd that he'd notie'd its Shape and its Shine ;

And as soon as we reach'd the " Old Druid,"
I begg'd that he'd drink to my new Four-and-Nine

In a Glass of his favourite Fluid.

A gratified Smile sat, I own, on my Lips
When the Barmaid appeal'd to the Master

(He was standing hard by with his Hands on his Hips)
To "look at the Gentleman's Castor ! "

I laugh?d, as an Organman " paus'd in mid-air "—
(Twas an Air that I happen'd to know

By a great foreign Maestro)—expressly to stare
At "ze Gent wiz zejoli Chapeau."

Yet how swift is the Transit from Laughter to Tears !

Our Glories, how fleeting are they !
That Hat might (with care) have adorn'dme for Years;

But 'twas ruin'd, alack, in a DajT!

How" I lov'd thee, my Bright One ! I wrench in
remorse

My Hands from my Coat-tail and wring 'em ;
Why did not I, why—as a matter of course—
When I purchas'd thee, purchase a Gingham ?

* A surprise is in store for anyone who guesses this. Solu-
tions to be addressed here to A Cross Stick Editor.

NOTES FROM THE DIARY OE A CITY WAITER.

I had three or four days down at the House of Commons lately, and
a fine time'brown and me'.had of it.

Talk of lateThours,"ah,'them'i.was,'sumthink like! One time we
didn't have no hours at all,""so to speak, but went right on sitting all
day, and sitting all night, and sitting all the morning.'and all.the
next day ! and, as Brown said, didn't hatch much after all. My
grayshus wot a time it was. Everybody went in for Grilled Bones
and Shampayne till we was almost grilled ourselves and had cleand
out all the shops in the nayberood, and the cry was still they come.

One of my perfeshunal friends there told me as how he found a
wunderful differrence in the Irish orders this season, none of your
gos of Whiskey as before, but reel Sham and plenty of it, and their
fust Toast, in a kind of larfmg wisper, is alway, Success to the Land
Leeg, root and branches and may it flourish for ever ! just like one
of our own City Gills.

Oh didn't sum on 'em look retchedly sleepy and washed out about
8 or 9 o'clock in the morning ! A good turn at the Pump wood ha'
done some on 'em good, praps, as Brown said, in more ways than
one, but of course I don't know what he meant, some imperance I
sposc as usual.

I smiles to myself as I goes into the House sumtimes and sees a
whole row of poor devils a waiting for hours with their orders for a
seat in the Strangers' Galery (we calls it the \ crown Gallery, for you
can allers get in for 4 a crown, for particulars enquire of Pleaceman
X.), and all jest for the chance of seeing sum of the emanent Swells
at a distance, whereas I has the honer not only of seeing 'em close,
but of listening to 'em, aye and talking to 'em quite familyer ! Say-
ing to Mr. Gladstun, for instance, "Shall I get you a little more
Tung, Sir ? " or to Sir William Arcourt, " Kyan Pepper, Sir ? " or
to Mr. Bigger, "A little Bore's Head, Sir?" or to Mr. _Dillon,
"A little Lamb, Sir ? " or to Mr. Forster, "A little more Irish Stew,
Sir ? " ansettrer, ansettrer, aye and paid for it too into the Bargane.

Take 'em as a hole the House of Commons aint harf such good
judges of a Dinner as my reglar patrons in the City. They don't

understand the natteral order of things, and allers eats in an urry,
which is itself enuff to spile any dinner.

They allers seems a lissening for a Bell, like a young Waiter as
hasn't learnt to take things coolly, and, when it rings, away they
rushes like so many Manyacs leaving their dinner harf eaten. Why
they can't leave off sitting and rise ,for a nour or 2 and have their
dinner ciimf'ortable, is what 1 can't understand. I'm sure it wood
be better for their helth and better for their temper, for the langwidgo
as sum on 'em uses on these occashuns is reelly quite staggering.

I'm making sum private memoryandums of every celebrated man's
favorite Dish, and of what he eats on certain grate occashuns, and if
ever I am injuiced to print 'em, that will be one of the most interest-
ing publiccashuns ever red.

Sum of the items will be found to be strangely epropriet to certain
Public Men.

While the World is a wandering and Truth is a speckylating, why,
on such and such a day, some of the werry grandest of 'em came out
so grandly, and why on another occasion they mad such a Hash of it,
my book will explane the whole mystery. It all depends on what
they had for Dinner !

What's the use of telling a man of my grate experiense that a cut
of Mutton and a pint of Bass can produce the same noble sentemens
the same staggering langwidge as a couple of slices of Vensun from a
noble Hornsh and a pint of Sham, followed by a Bird and a Salad
and a Pint of Burgundy.

Why the thing 's Bidickerlus !

I quite agrees with Brown, tho' I don't quite know what he means,
when he says, " If the Mind's the ' Standard' of the man, the Stum-
muck's the ' Telegraph? of the Mind."

(Signed) Robert.

bless the dook !

"Now," observed Captain Drawler, M.P. for Swellshire, on
hearing of the Duke of Argyll's resignation, " the—ar—Cabinet
will be—ar—a most virtuous one; simply—ar—guile-less."

EST To CoEBBSFOifBBifTS.—The Editor does not hoM hvnself bound to acknowledge, return, or -pa>i for Contributions, hi no case can tliese be returned unless accompanied by a

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