DOI Heft:
May 21, 1881
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17750#0247
240
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Mat 21, 1881.
THE CAP-AND-BELL BALLADS-No. 1.
A Plain Man.
He was a Briton, therefore brave and bold,
('Tis the first law in Patriotism's code),
His firm-cut chin displayed a triple fold,
His name, in full, was Ughthhel Bantam Blole
His port was calmly proud, his standing stable
As that of Atlas in the classic fable.
For classic fable, I should here remark,
He had a solid and supreme disdain,
Pie wholly scorned the nonsense Yague and dark
Of what is known as the " poetic strain."
While as for bards, and their pernicious bunkum,
In the Bed Sea—like ghosts—he would have sunk 'em.
Indeed, the ruling idiosyncrasy
Of U. B. Blode was judgment stern and summary
For trivial things like Taste, or Poetry,
Art, Sentiment, and all such foolish flummery,
His only greeting was a Jovian frown,
His simple ultimatum—" Put 'em down ! "
You see he had put down so many things,
His wife's desires, his children's wants
and whims,
All that the heart or fancy warms or wings,
Higher than week-day sums and Sunday hymns,
That he began to deem his crowning duty
Was putting down what idiots called " Beauty."
He cast about for the most ready mode
Of furthering this philanthropic plan-
Let 's see!—I have it! Yes! " cried U. B. Blole,
" That drivelling, Lordly-Palace-building man
In Mister Tennyson's limp lyric twaddle
I '11 quite surpass, but on a different model.
"' Palace of Art! ' Preposterous! I'll rear
A Plain Man's Palace, home of Common Sense.
It shall hold nothing picturesque or queer,
The fudge called ' prettiness ' on no pretence
Shall be admitted there, from tile to knocker—
It shall conform to the stern rules of Cocker."
He hired an Architect. The man was poor ;
He shuddered at the scheme, but sighed, " I '11 try,
I've planned suburban villa blocks ; what more
By way of training to the hand and eye
In solid tastelessness could well be looked for ?
Lead on ! I '11 buckle to the task I'm booked for."
*****
Pour-square it rose upon a spacious flat
Of what had been suburban market-ground,
Smooth and symmetric as the British hat,
Euclid in brick and stucco. Schoolboys found,
As they in passing haply paused to con it,
That they could work out all his problems on it. , ,,'
TV L lr TT "R "R I", SilllSlltll
±>ig as a barracks,—U. B. Blole was rich, § ,ij si m th? s m »
Cold as an iceberg—U. B. Blole was British, |» k [W ■ I *
Smooth as a bald head, dull as a Dutch ditch, • • s-
Blole with triumphant joy grew almost skittish ; ~ —~
But soon as the bare carcase was erected,
Blole met with obstacles he'd not expected.
Beauty looked in one morning. Blole with rage
Grew pickled-cabbage colour. Beauty smiled.
Said she, " Since utter war with me you wage,
I must accept the challenge. Don't look riled,
Nor beck your Man in Blue, with thickshod feet,
He '11 own that Beauty is not on his beat."
Poor Blole ! As well have set all Scotland Yard
To apprehend a ghost as run her in.
His vigilance was vain, and he tried hard
To dodge, evade, exclude her, or to win
That bald Batavian barren bit of waste
Entirely from the sway of her and Tasto.
The house grew hideous enough to please
A City Architect, or Dragon builder ;
Its furnishings a white bear's soul might freeze,
He drove his paperhanger and his gilder
Mad with demands for things which nothing owed
To Beauty, e'en from Tottenham Court Road.
And Beauty foiled him; here her finger laid
Upon a cornice, there upon a fender,
Lending to fabrics of Philistine trade
Chance touches of the graceful, comely, tender.
And Blole discovered, with dismay and dolour,
Beauty was there,—lurking in Form and Colour.
Things would look pretty somehow, here and there ;
The picturesque itself cropped up in places.
And then his wife,—she had soft auburn hair,
His very children some stray childish graces :
Grass grew, trees budded, and, with no apology,
Beauty stepped in,—disguised as Meteorology.
Blole, baffled, beaten, took the blow to heart,
And pined away, and perished prematurely,
Resigned with such a foolish world to part
Where Ugliness can never reign securely.
" Did I live longer," sighed the luckless elf,
Who knows r — i" might grow Beautiful my-
self!" ■ »
ART UTILITARIAN EXAMINATION-PAPER.
[For Royal Academy Students of the Future.)
Wall-Painting, &c.
1. White a short essay upon the best way of advertising by
placards in four colours,—(a) a new soup ; (Jb) a personally con-
ducted trip round the world ; and (c) a patent fat producer.
2. Give a rough design for the paper of—[a) a bar-parlour ; (J) a
scullery; and (c) a cabman's shelter.
3. Scheme an appropriate shop facia for a local country branch of
a large Metropolitan Co-operative Stores.
4. How would you convert a stucco-faced suburban villa into
a Queen Anne's mansion ? Would you paint the front-door pea-green ?
Give reasons for your answer.
5. Given a hoarding one hundred yards by ten. You have to
introduce double-crown posters extolling the success of—{a) a new
naval melodrama ; (b) a patent umbrella; (c) an ^Esthetic corkscrew ;
and (d) some transparent soap. How would 3Tou set to work to
satisfy the Public, the Advertisers, and the Art-Critics ?
6. Given an acre of clay and a pound of grass-seed. What would
you require further to construct grounds of a park-like character ?
7. How would you introduce a lawn-tennis net into a forest with-
out disregarding the rules of landscape gardening ?
8. Invent an ^Esthetic bonnet, and harmonise a peacock's feather
with a billycock hat,
sciletlke.
9. Model a cow suitable for a dairyman's window.
10. Point out objections to the Griffin at Temple Bar and the
Angel of Yictory at Waterloo Place. Could either be made suitable
for reception at the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tlssall's ?
11. Invent designs for the trademarks of—(a) a spectacle-maker ;
(5) a sewing-machine manufacturer; and (c) an advertising dentist.
12. What principles should guide you in constructing (a) a jelly-
mould and (&) a pat-of-butter stamp ?
13. Sketch a fancy Bath bun suitable for a side dish at a wedding
breakfast.
14. Write a memoir of Dye Wyn Eyn of T.R.D.L. as an intro-
duction to a short essay upon pantomimic " big heads."
15. Model the statue of a typical Alderman who has been knighted
for opening some water-works.
Ahchitectlee.
16. Given a town hall (Early Norman), a row of houses (Stucco
Italian), and a red brick Methodist chapel (nothing in particular),
what sort of a village pump should be placed in the centre to har-
monise with the surrounding buildings ?
17. How would you treat the south front of the Railway Station
at Charing Cross in a manner that would satisfy Professor Rlseln
and the shareholders ?
18. If St. Paul's were burnt down, how would you rebuild it ?
19. Upon the lines of Inigo Jones design a four-wheeled cab.
20. and lastly. Improve Covent Garden Market—if possible off the
face of the earth!
litehahy announcement.
A Laly, who has devoted a large portion of her life to shopping
excursions in London, is about to publish her experiences under
the appropriate title, Babylon's Eye-ways and Buy-ways.
EST To Co^bssposdsh-ts.—The Editor doss r.oi hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contribution*. In no case can thisi be relumed unlets accompanied by a
ctaniDsd and directed envelope. Co'pUs should be kept.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Mat 21, 1881.
THE CAP-AND-BELL BALLADS-No. 1.
A Plain Man.
He was a Briton, therefore brave and bold,
('Tis the first law in Patriotism's code),
His firm-cut chin displayed a triple fold,
His name, in full, was Ughthhel Bantam Blole
His port was calmly proud, his standing stable
As that of Atlas in the classic fable.
For classic fable, I should here remark,
He had a solid and supreme disdain,
Pie wholly scorned the nonsense Yague and dark
Of what is known as the " poetic strain."
While as for bards, and their pernicious bunkum,
In the Bed Sea—like ghosts—he would have sunk 'em.
Indeed, the ruling idiosyncrasy
Of U. B. Blode was judgment stern and summary
For trivial things like Taste, or Poetry,
Art, Sentiment, and all such foolish flummery,
His only greeting was a Jovian frown,
His simple ultimatum—" Put 'em down ! "
You see he had put down so many things,
His wife's desires, his children's wants
and whims,
All that the heart or fancy warms or wings,
Higher than week-day sums and Sunday hymns,
That he began to deem his crowning duty
Was putting down what idiots called " Beauty."
He cast about for the most ready mode
Of furthering this philanthropic plan-
Let 's see!—I have it! Yes! " cried U. B. Blole,
" That drivelling, Lordly-Palace-building man
In Mister Tennyson's limp lyric twaddle
I '11 quite surpass, but on a different model.
"' Palace of Art! ' Preposterous! I'll rear
A Plain Man's Palace, home of Common Sense.
It shall hold nothing picturesque or queer,
The fudge called ' prettiness ' on no pretence
Shall be admitted there, from tile to knocker—
It shall conform to the stern rules of Cocker."
He hired an Architect. The man was poor ;
He shuddered at the scheme, but sighed, " I '11 try,
I've planned suburban villa blocks ; what more
By way of training to the hand and eye
In solid tastelessness could well be looked for ?
Lead on ! I '11 buckle to the task I'm booked for."
*****
Pour-square it rose upon a spacious flat
Of what had been suburban market-ground,
Smooth and symmetric as the British hat,
Euclid in brick and stucco. Schoolboys found,
As they in passing haply paused to con it,
That they could work out all his problems on it. , ,,'
TV L lr TT "R "R I", SilllSlltll
±>ig as a barracks,—U. B. Blole was rich, § ,ij si m th? s m »
Cold as an iceberg—U. B. Blole was British, |» k [W ■ I *
Smooth as a bald head, dull as a Dutch ditch, • • s-
Blole with triumphant joy grew almost skittish ; ~ —~
But soon as the bare carcase was erected,
Blole met with obstacles he'd not expected.
Beauty looked in one morning. Blole with rage
Grew pickled-cabbage colour. Beauty smiled.
Said she, " Since utter war with me you wage,
I must accept the challenge. Don't look riled,
Nor beck your Man in Blue, with thickshod feet,
He '11 own that Beauty is not on his beat."
Poor Blole ! As well have set all Scotland Yard
To apprehend a ghost as run her in.
His vigilance was vain, and he tried hard
To dodge, evade, exclude her, or to win
That bald Batavian barren bit of waste
Entirely from the sway of her and Tasto.
The house grew hideous enough to please
A City Architect, or Dragon builder ;
Its furnishings a white bear's soul might freeze,
He drove his paperhanger and his gilder
Mad with demands for things which nothing owed
To Beauty, e'en from Tottenham Court Road.
And Beauty foiled him; here her finger laid
Upon a cornice, there upon a fender,
Lending to fabrics of Philistine trade
Chance touches of the graceful, comely, tender.
And Blole discovered, with dismay and dolour,
Beauty was there,—lurking in Form and Colour.
Things would look pretty somehow, here and there ;
The picturesque itself cropped up in places.
And then his wife,—she had soft auburn hair,
His very children some stray childish graces :
Grass grew, trees budded, and, with no apology,
Beauty stepped in,—disguised as Meteorology.
Blole, baffled, beaten, took the blow to heart,
And pined away, and perished prematurely,
Resigned with such a foolish world to part
Where Ugliness can never reign securely.
" Did I live longer," sighed the luckless elf,
Who knows r — i" might grow Beautiful my-
self!" ■ »
ART UTILITARIAN EXAMINATION-PAPER.
[For Royal Academy Students of the Future.)
Wall-Painting, &c.
1. White a short essay upon the best way of advertising by
placards in four colours,—(a) a new soup ; (Jb) a personally con-
ducted trip round the world ; and (c) a patent fat producer.
2. Give a rough design for the paper of—[a) a bar-parlour ; (J) a
scullery; and (c) a cabman's shelter.
3. Scheme an appropriate shop facia for a local country branch of
a large Metropolitan Co-operative Stores.
4. How would you convert a stucco-faced suburban villa into
a Queen Anne's mansion ? Would you paint the front-door pea-green ?
Give reasons for your answer.
5. Given a hoarding one hundred yards by ten. You have to
introduce double-crown posters extolling the success of—{a) a new
naval melodrama ; (b) a patent umbrella; (c) an ^Esthetic corkscrew ;
and (d) some transparent soap. How would 3Tou set to work to
satisfy the Public, the Advertisers, and the Art-Critics ?
6. Given an acre of clay and a pound of grass-seed. What would
you require further to construct grounds of a park-like character ?
7. How would you introduce a lawn-tennis net into a forest with-
out disregarding the rules of landscape gardening ?
8. Invent an ^Esthetic bonnet, and harmonise a peacock's feather
with a billycock hat,
sciletlke.
9. Model a cow suitable for a dairyman's window.
10. Point out objections to the Griffin at Temple Bar and the
Angel of Yictory at Waterloo Place. Could either be made suitable
for reception at the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tlssall's ?
11. Invent designs for the trademarks of—(a) a spectacle-maker ;
(5) a sewing-machine manufacturer; and (c) an advertising dentist.
12. What principles should guide you in constructing (a) a jelly-
mould and (&) a pat-of-butter stamp ?
13. Sketch a fancy Bath bun suitable for a side dish at a wedding
breakfast.
14. Write a memoir of Dye Wyn Eyn of T.R.D.L. as an intro-
duction to a short essay upon pantomimic " big heads."
15. Model the statue of a typical Alderman who has been knighted
for opening some water-works.
Ahchitectlee.
16. Given a town hall (Early Norman), a row of houses (Stucco
Italian), and a red brick Methodist chapel (nothing in particular),
what sort of a village pump should be placed in the centre to har-
monise with the surrounding buildings ?
17. How would you treat the south front of the Railway Station
at Charing Cross in a manner that would satisfy Professor Rlseln
and the shareholders ?
18. If St. Paul's were burnt down, how would you rebuild it ?
19. Upon the lines of Inigo Jones design a four-wheeled cab.
20. and lastly. Improve Covent Garden Market—if possible off the
face of the earth!
litehahy announcement.
A Laly, who has devoted a large portion of her life to shopping
excursions in London, is about to publish her experiences under
the appropriate title, Babylon's Eye-ways and Buy-ways.
EST To Co^bssposdsh-ts.—The Editor doss r.oi hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contribution*. In no case can thisi be relumed unlets accompanied by a
ctaniDsd and directed envelope. Co'pUs should be kept.