Punch (80.1881)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June i, 1881.

THOROUGHNESS.

Aunt Matilda. "And do you study Geogkaphy, Janet?"
Janet. " Geography. I should think so, indeed!"
Aunt Matilda,. " Where's Glasgow ? "

Janet. "Glasgow? Oh, we haven't got as far as that. We've only
got as far as Asia."

DERBY AND JONES.
[With Convivial Compliments to Mr. James Molloy.)

The Derby's here, and I'm getting grey,

By Jove, I'm fifty if I'm a day ;
But through dust and sun, I like my fun

As the cab rolls on.
So we, that is Jones my friend and I,

Have each, to our wives, made this reply:
" Yes, we 're going,—like two staid elderly men,

But don't mean, my dear, to do it again."
And it's always the same ! Serious tones,—
Then a nice little game with my old friend J ones.
A nice little game with my old friend Jones.

Arm-in-arm, after lunch that day,

Arm-in-arm,—well, we made our way :
And everything spun round and round like fun

As the cab bowled on !
Arm-in-arm, we managed to slide,

Though the streets and lamps all took the wrong side;
And we never could quite tell how or when

Each of us got safe home again!
Always the same !—Banjo and Bones—
Always the same with my old friend Jones.
Always the same with my old friend Jones.

LEOPOLD IN LEAR.

The Queen has been studying the Bard lately with a
view to the performance of King Lear at Windsor.
Her Majesty has only settled one character in the cast
and given it to Prince Leopold, or Prince Leab-pold,
to whom this line has been graciously addressed.

" And you, our no less loving son of Albany."

The title is not derived from the sets of bachelors'
chambers in Piccadilly, called The Albany, or we might
expect the creation of some other titles such as the Duke
of Arcadia, Baron Flats, Lord Hankeymansion, Sir
Clarence Chambers (Haymarket), and so on. A city
confectioner said he was delighted at such a graceful
compliment being paid to his trade as was implied in the
creation of a Duke of All-bunny. Owners of rabbit-
warrens mav make the same remark.

A CASE OF CONSCIENCE.

a derby day drama.

Scene I.—House of Commons, shortly before Derby Day.

Conscientious Radical 31. P. (warmly). Approve of the House ad-
journing over the Derby Day ? Certainly riot! Most ridiculous and
wrong. Shall decidedly vote against it if it comes up. We are here
Sir (sivelling) to do the Nation's business, which is shamefully in
arrear—shamefully—and to waste a day in the middle of the Session
just because a few thousand fools are going to see some horses com-
pete at Epsom is frivolous, infra dig. monstrous, unworthy in the
nighest degree. I never go, but even did I desire to do so, I should
not think of closing the House and stopping public business just to
give me an opportunity of indulging a personal taste which is cer-
tainly trivial if it is not debasing. No, Sir !

[Strikes an heroic village-Hampden attitude, with elevated chin,
and thumbs in his white waistcoat sleeve-holes.

Easy-going Conservative 31.P. (languidly). Aw, think so ? Don't
pitch it quite so high myself, /never go, never, too low and noisy ;
but if other fellows want to, I don't see why they shouldn't, I'm
sure. Better fun than Biggar, I dare say—and quite as likely to
advance "public business." By the way, what's Peregrine''s
latest price ?

Conscientious Radical, M.P. (eagerly pulling out paper). Why,
hang it, I see—(recollecting himself)—but there, look for yourself.
I've no interest in it! [Saunters out to get later edition.

Scene II.—The Downs on Derby Day.

Conscientious Radical 31.P. (on a drag with dolls in his hat). By
Jove, this is better than Biggar ! Pass the Lobster Salad. (3Iunches.)
Champagne with you? (Gurgles.) Ten to one against Limestone ?
Done f (Books it.) H'm! Wonder whether Gladstone could put
this book straight. I can't. Stand to win fifty-two—no, three—or
is it sixty-three ? (Gurgles again.) Or to lose one hundred and--

what the doo- Oh, hang it! what's the odds on Geolo-1 mean

so long as you 're happy ?

Enter Easy-going Conservative 31.P. with a cocoa-nut, which
he surreptitiously drops under the drag.

Easy-going Conservative 31.P. Hillo, Prag, you here? Why, I
thought you never-

Conscientious Radical 31. P. And I thought you never-

Easy-going Conservative M.P. Well, you see, I don't,—as a rule,
but—well, fact is I got somehow dragged—that is—a—a sort of a
duty, don't you know-

Conscientious Radical 31.P. Ah, yes, quite so. Same here. Bore,
but must make the best of it, I suppose. [Does so.

Easy-going Conservative 31. P. By the way, did you vote against
the adjournment ?

Conscientious Radical 31.P. (severely). Most certainly. As I said
before, to sacrifice the progress of important public business to a
sort of Carnival Pic-nic and foolish Saturnalia of so-called Sport, is
one of the most indefensible, undignified-;— By Jove, here they

come ! here they come ! Hooray ! Geologist, Limestone, Pere-

who—o—o—o- [Left shouting.

Four-in-Hand Club. May 25th.

Scene—The Serpentine. Weather—" Temps de Demoiselle."

The Duke of Beauport leads ; sans dread of wet,
All follow him—a perfect " Summer set."

No Bookworm.— Cavete ab homine unius libri. Mind what you
are about with a man of one book. Particularly when, as often
happens, that man is a Bookmaker.

Seasonable (by Our Sporting Botanist).—Horse-chestnuts come
out strong in the Epsom week.